I LOVE HER, but…

Could I be ready…
To leave…
My beloved…
New York…
Who has left me…
battered and bruised…
And has moved on…
Without a thought…
Without a second glance…
In the capital of the WORLD…
Do I even matter…
No…
I’m just a number…
A box on the census…
A demographic…
To New York…
I am nothing…
To me…
She is everything…
We have…
The ultimate…
Dysfunctional relationship…
Could I be ready…
To leave her…
After all these years…
Sadly…
She wouldn’t even notice…
But oh…
How’d I miss her…
Her music…
Her energy…
Her soul…
She is…
The greatest artist…
Of all time…
Effortlessly beautiful…
But I might be ready…
For someplace…
Not so bitter-sweet…
Someplace…
That loves me back…
But fuck…
How I’d miss her…

passion…

Trying to tap into

the wealth of passion

that once flowed within me

that once allowed me

to see beyond

what I could see

that once sparked dreams

that were so big

not even I

could shoot them down

passion that defied all doubt

all logic

that passion…

it’s still in me somewhere

I feel it.

In his eyes…

He smiles at me

wonders if I

secretly hate him

if I am

furtively

plotting

to kill him

he nods

respectfully

as he hands me my straw

I take my red bull

and wish him a good day

he is here

working

serving

we are there

murdering

his women

and children

to him

I 

am the Terrorist.

the chase…

my shadow…

keeps following me…

after me…

taunting me…

it’s a never-ending chase…

she’ll never catch me…

I’m too fast…

and she’s too slow…

she whispers…

for me to slow down…

but I ignore her…

it has become a race…

an endless one…

I’m always winning…

or am I…

she only wants to hold me…

she only wants to tell me…

to slow down…

that everything will be okay…

I wish I could let her…

I wish I believed her…

Napowrimo!

 It’s day 4 so I need to get started catching up!  I was looking for motivation to do some writing and I found it!  30 posts in 30 days! Looking forward to it!

30 somewhat interesting facts about me :)

1. I need to know where my lip gloss is at ALL times
2. I can’t ever be vegan because of my scary cheese addiction
3. I sleep with a bra on
4. I hate okra ugh
5. I am struggling to give up seafood
6. My toilet tissue must hang OVER…under is just plain silly
7. I buy whatever toothpaste is on sale
8. I must apply an even amount of deodorant strokes to each armpit
9. Judging by my last fact… I may have a mild case of OCD
10. I ADORE my friends and when they hurt, I hurt
11. I have Fibromyalgia
12. I tend to dance with my eyes closed when I’m drunk
13. I have an alter ego named Yasmine…shes mad funny yo. lol
14. I am oddly strong
15. I was a teen mom
16. I came out when I was  19 yo
17. I love to drive fast and race
18. I am shy
19. I take a fistful of vitamins daily
20. I hate killing any living thing… even pesky insects
21. I am eating cheese right now lmao
22. My drink of choice when out at a club/lounge is a cosmo
23. I have watched SEX AND THE CITY reruns more than I care to mention
24. I am a Sarah Jessica Parker GROUPIE and PROUD
25. I have stalked both SJP’s & Carrie’s apartments LOL
26. I can make a dollar out of fifteen cents
27. I am a good listener
28. I LOVE elephants and dolphins
29. I LOVE hard
30. I LOVE who I am

Dear Daughter…

I’m sorry this has taken so long.  My heart aches as I think of all of the things I did to hurt you.  I am so sorry I chose a soul numbing substance over you…over our family.   Sorry I hurt your mother.  Sorry I robbed you of your innocence, and allowed you to witness things a child’s eyes should never see.  Sorry I stole your youth and forced you into adulthood way before your time.  I am so sorry my demons became yours.  I’m sorry I put others before you.  I am sorry I was too high and drunk to realize how badly you wanted my love and affection.  Sorry I pushed you into the arms of men searching for a fathers love.  I am sorry. I am so sorry I couldn’t guide you and teach you… love you and father you… nurture you and make you feel secure.  I am so very sorry. I’m sorry I left you feeling lost and broken… I am sorry that you are still hurting…that you still long for my love…I’m loving you from heaven… and I’m proud of how you’ve overcome… I see your struggle and your pain and I am sorry I am not there with you.  I’m sorry for all the years you suffered in a violent relationship because you didn’t know any different.  I am sorry for the wrong paths you chose because I wasn’t there to advise you.   I know my death was senseless and preventable… I am sorry I didn’t hear your cries…your pleading…and begging… for me to stop…for me to choose life…to choose you.  I’m so sorry I didn’t choose you.  I’m sorry that you won’t ever receive this letter…or get the closure that you want so badly.  I am sorry that I never said I was sorry.  My dearest sweet daughter…I loved you dearly…and I am so very sorry.

the lunacy of love

let’s buy a piggy bank

and save for a special date

making the most

of this hardscrabble life
let’s fall in love

every day
and make wicked love

every night
you’ll make promises
that i know you’ll keep
and i’ll whisper
only sweet somethings

in your ear
we’ll roller-skate backwards
and you’ll pick me up
when i fall
let’s believe the impossible
let’s run
when we should walk
let’s frolic
amidst crystalline raindrops
sweet cadence filling
only our air
absorbing every moment
of our
nascent bliss
our veins pulsing with joy
our pores leaking with euphoria
people will stare at us
two rare specimens
and we will tell them
this is

the lunacy of love

Freewriting

Start a story with…

Sam wasn’t sure if it was a wonderful sign or a sign of disaster…

but Sam knew that things would never be the same.  Why was she here?  She vowed never to come back.  It wasn’t  fair.  He had moved on, but just the sound of her name took him back to a place he promised himself he would never go again.  With her back in town he knew he would never be able to focus on the wedding or give his bride to be his undivided attention.  His soon to be wife never knew that he thought of her as just a fill-in.  Just someone to distract him from the pain of having lost the love of his life to someone he wished dead.  Someone that had made his life a living hell.  It was the salt in the wound.  And when the phone rang, it was the beginning of the end.