at that moment…

Yesterday was one of those days… my daughter received her first college acceptance letter… I was beyond happy… but my heart sunk and I fell to pieces… at that moment… it hit me… it became real… she’s not my little girl anymore… there isn’t any more time to do all the things I wanted to do with her… she’s all grown up and the time just feels like it slipped through my fingers… times that I wished would fly by… did… and the times I wish I could have held onto forever… flew right along with them… seems so unfair… she has made me so proud… she has exceeded what I hoped for her when she was a baby… I feel proud that I had a lil something to do with that… but it’s going to be so hard to watch her go off on her own… as I put the key in my door last night… with my face a mess… my mascara stained cheeks… my eyes still oozing with guilt ridden tears… I realized that one day very soon… she won’t be there when I get home… I won’t see her messy room… her things scattered about… I won’t have dishes to yell at her about… and we wont decide on dinner together… and wow… that hurt me to my core… I am going to miss her very much… I know she is going to have the time of her life… and I am going to be her number one supporter always… I’m just really going to miss my little girl…

…and then…

…part two of my night…

unexpectedly… #she walked through my door… to be my support… with my much desired beer in tow… and her face… at that moment… it touched me to my core… it was at that moment that I realized I had gained someone very special in my life… it was at that moment… I fell more in love with her… her smile… the way she looked at me… her gesture… it all simultaneously melted my heart… while at the very same time… made me feel stronger… safer… wrapping my hands around her waist while watching TV… my face nuzzled in her neck… I couldn’t have asked for anything more at that moment… it was all that I needed… she was all that I needed… and she gave herself to me selflessly… and with each passing moment… until we parted ways this morning… she captured more of my heart… became more a part of my soul… and rescued me… in just the way I needed to be rescued.. at that moment… <3

over under.

overextended

under-appreciated

overworked

underpaid

being so selfless

has me feeling self-less

over this

and

over that

has me feeling

under the weather

overstated some shit

underestimated some other shit

feeling run over

and taken under

over thinking

and under-living

so over

being under

Napowrimo #6

Image Prompt

Life that passes you by. Photographer Pensiero

This morning

I looked down

And watched my feet

Move along the pavement

And I felt like

A hamster on its wheel

Going nowhere fast

Lots of movement

With no result

No change

No difference

Where am I going

Only where I have been

I stay in this place

Even though it sickens me

Settling

Self doubting

Self sabotaging

Regretting

Day dreaming

About dreams

That have come untrue

Unsure of anything

But sure of one thing

A life

That is passing me by.

 

What have you been doing with your writing?

Someone asked me this question today, and I had no answer.  I said something about wanting to take some workshops, and needing inspiration.  BULL!  I just haven’t been doing anything.  I mean, in my defense, I am so extremely exhausted.  By the time I get home from the gym, walk the dogs, cook dinner, clean up and fuss with the kids to do what they need to do… I am done!  I wouldn’t be able to put two sentences together.  As a matter of fact, it is 12:28am as I am writing this.  Horrible!  So I will attempt to make more time once again, because every time that questions is asked, I feel like crap.

For love or money?

Writing for love or money?  Well, I will attempt to address this delicately…show me the mutha-fucking money…please.

I have been writing for pleasure for years…poetry, short stories, long stories, blah blah blah.  My main goal right now is to really delve into this whole writing thing head first.  I don’t want to spend my life being a blogger.  I like blogging, but I want my audience to be larger.  I want millions of eyeballs to read my words.  I want to make people smile, I want to make them cry (nasty liquidy booger cries), but most importantly I want to keep them entertained.  I’m sorry, am I boring you?  Well just humor me anyway.  I guess the purpose of this blog is to really just get me writing.  Because writers write, right?  That is what I keep reading… just write, just write, just write…even if it’s just mumbo jumbo.

Ultimately I want to be published, but I don’t want to rush and slap some half-ass story together.  I want to practice and perfect my writing while simultaneously thinking of a story that will be sure to hit the best seller list.  It’s possible.  I know it takes time, but damn it I could have written ten bestsellers already with all time I have been spending doing a whole lot of nothing.

The first thing I am going to tackle is my problem with procrastination.  Maybe I will start tackling it next week…I joke haha.  Seriously, procrastinating has affected many areas of my life so I really need to discipline myself.  I am sure this is going to benefit in me in many ways.  I will most likely be writing about that as well.

Muy Importante things I need to focus on:

• Writing daily
• Going to the gym 4x per week
• Cutting junk & soda from my diet

Wish me luck eh.