feeling the need…

to ramble and release.  feeling overwhelmed and lonely.  feeling lost and frazzled.  from conception it feels as though i have been “dealing” with something or other.  never at peace.  as a child it was dealing with my father beating my mother.  with his alcoholism.  with his drug abuse. with his lies and promises. and finally his death. with us being broke. being evicted. with knowing too much when i was too little to “deal.”  with my mothers depression. and coldness. with my own.  my abusive boyfriend. being a parent at 14. and then again at 15. his mental and physical abuse for 12yrs. the financial struggles of being a teen parent. now the financial trouble of being a parent to teens. with no support from the dead beat.  my son leaving me to live with his dad. getting him back.  dealing with his behavioral and academic issues.  just add it up. dont forget the bills. the dogs. the job. the fibromyalgia. toxic relationships. the fake smile to greet those who arent TRULY concerned with my reality.  Fine..I’m just fine i say.   i’m not fine.  im cracking. im losing. i am forgetting to breathe. to pray. to count my blessings. thank you almighty for my job. for shelter. for clothing. for food. for the ability to provide. for my sanity. for my strength. for your strength. for the energy to cope.  for my mother.  hard to look to the sky when you’re watching your every step…trying not to fall.  trying to keep focused on the road. need to be prepared for the upcoming stress.  there arent warning signs that read: WARNING: Stress 5 miles ahead.  My thoughts are like bumper-to-bumper-traffic…never ending.  my head feels full. and my heart feels heavy.

a hand rests on my shoulder…

reminding me to…




8 Comments to “feeling the need…”

  1. Awww Vanessa this post touched my heart, life can be such an amazing struggle at times, but sometimes the brief glimpses of beauty we get in between the rough spots are enough to sustain us until what we feel is “the next round”. I ran across this in my mailbox, and I thought maybe it would help–it sort of seems to fit with your situation. If it doesn’t help, then please disregard, I just thought I’d share it with you–(just in case).

    The situations, activities, and individuals that frighten us remain static. Their relative intensity does not change. Fear, on the other hand, self-magnifies. It is when you are afraid and envisioning all that might go wrong that the energy underlying your fear grows. A tiny flicker of anxiety can easily develop into a terror that manifests itself physically and eventually paralyzes you into inaction. Though frequently, in walking through that fear, we discover that the strength of our fright was out of synch with reality. And we learn that doing what frightens us can lead to great blessings. Confronting your trepidation head-on will help you accept that few frightening scenarios will ever live up to the negative disasters that we sometimes play out in our minds.

    Though fear is literally an evolutionary gift meant to sharpen your senses and energize you during times of great stress, it can nonetheless become a barrier that prevents you from fulfilling your potential by causing you to miss out on rewarding, life-changing experiences. During the period before you face your fear, you may have to deal with a barrage of negative thoughts and emotions. Walking through it, whether your fear is public speaking, taking part in an activity that makes you nervous, or asserting yourself when the odds are against you, may be equally as difficult. But once you have emerged unscathed on the other side, which you will, you will likely wonder why you assumed the worst in the first place. As you spend time worrying about what might happen, it’s good to know that your fear probably won’t happen at all. It may feel like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders, and you will likely feel a sense of passionate pride. Walking through your fear can! mean taking risks and can require both practice and patience. Since it is challenging to act when you are gripped with fear, start small.

    Each step you take into fear will strengthen you and help you confront future fears with poise, courage, and confidence. You will also find that when you are willing to stare your fear in the face, the universe will always offer you some form of aid or support. When you see the heights of accomplishment and personal evolution you can attain when you walk through your fears, your faith in yourself will grow, allowing your next step to be easier.

    • awww thank you for leaving such a heartfelt response! *hugs* ugh these past few months have been so stressful that it just brings everything to the surface you know? but i know this will all pass! i really appreciate what you posted!!!!! thanks again! =)

  2. The depth of your writing is vast. And then there’s the sadness that permeates within those words and sentences and paragraphs, but within it is a certain beauty and hope that things will get better and get okay and we’ll carry on. Life is a cycle of highs, lows, up and downs and I’ve always believed that when one door closes, another opens. Maybe that’s just hope talking and floating like it does best, but that’s all I have to hang onto sometimes and it is often my only sanity. Just remember to breathe…. and the rest will flow.

    • somehow i came out of my childhood with a strength that sometimes surprises ME. i know that i am not doing it alone…as much as i think i am. i have always managed to pull through and i know that everything i am experiencing now will soon be a distant memory. yes, they say hope floats, and if you hold on to hope… you will always rise to the top right?

  3. and she tugs at my heart strings yet again…shooo!

    Keep your chin up girl!

  4. Thought you might enjoy this V…

    Yesterday, I cried.

    I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed,
    kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,
    and I had myself a good cry.
    I?m telling you,
    I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I
    got on sale.
    I cried until my ears were hot.
    I cried until my head was hurting so bad
    that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on
    the floor at my feet.
    I want you to understand,
    I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
    Yesterday, I cried,
    for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad
    to cry.
    I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
    and all the times I had dishonoured, disrespected, and disconnected
    my Self from myself,
    only to have it reflected back to me in the ways other
    did to me
    the same things I had already done to myself.
    I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
    for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;
    for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them
    away, to people in circumstances,
    which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain
    old used.
    I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left
    for you to do is cry.
    Yesterday , I cried.
    I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;
    and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
    and daddies don’t know what to do, so they leave;
    and mommies get left, so they get mad.
    I cried because I had a little boy, and because I was a little girl, and
    because I was a mommy who didn’t know what to do, and
    because I wanted my daddy to be there for me so badly until
    I ached.
    Yesterday, I cried.
    I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.
    I cried because hurt has no place to go
    except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place,
    and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.
    I cried because my soul knew that I didn’t know
    that my soul knew everything I needed to know.
    I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.
    It felt so very, very bad.
    In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming,
    Yesterday, I cried
    with an agenda.

    By: Iyanla Vanzant

    • She is one of my favorite authors! She has saved me from myself on more than one occasion! Thank you for sharing that!

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