Archive for July, 2009

July 31, 2009

in the absence of love

this post will be mostly rambling.  i wont pay much attention to punctuation.

i read a blog post this morning about feeling ugly.  about using your body and sexuality to satisfy the longing to feel love.  to feel pretty. to feel wanted.  i post a lot of poetry, some of which allows the reader a glimpse of me.  i hadnt intended to write anything too deep and revealing about myself.  but you know when you feel that tug, that urge to purge.  more for your sake than for the entertainment of the eyes that will take the time to read the delicate details of your life.  well anyway, it got me to thinking about my childhood.  or should i say the lack of my childhood.  i remember as a little girl wanting attention from my father so badly. and never getting it.  my mother was more present in my life than he was.  but even her presence was a distant one.  like she wasnt nurturing really. nor was my grandmother.  but they were there nonetheless.  my grandmother “cared” for me.  She lived with us until i was about 9yrs old.  she walked me to school.  and she picked me up most afternoons.  on the days when she didnt i would come home and there would be devil dogs (or some chocolaty equivalent) and milk waiting for me.  i would inhale them while watching duck tales.  the intro to that cartoon still makes me sad.  i would do my homework and eventually fall asleep.  i would wake to the jingle of Three’s Company and a piping hot plate of mashed potatoes, puerto rican style pork chops (the best) and some kind of vegetable being placed on a tray in front of me.  i can almost smell the pork chops when i hear the intro to Three’s Company even today.  we didnt eat dinner as a family.  my father was usually working, or pretending to work.  my mom wasnt home from work yet.  and honestly i dont recall her.  she suffered from depression and my memories of her at that time are vague.  she didnt play with me.  she didnt tickle me or read me stories.   i didnt realize those were the things i was longing for.  but i felt the void.  and even though my grandmother wasnt emotional with me, i felt her love in the things that she did with me and for me.  my relationship with father was weird.  he was a drug addict and alcoholic and abused my mother viciously. but i loved him so much.  i saw his heart during his sober moments. and i knew that he was hurting.  he never came to my performances. he didnt come to my elementary school graduation. i was salutatorian and had to make a speech.  and received a personalized trophy.  it was my first ever since i was never enrolled in any kind of sport or dance class.  i remember looking for him in the audience. wishing the ceremony would stall a bit to give him time to come rushing through the doors.  i imagined him making eye contact with me and smiling a proud smile.  i remember going home after the ceremony and finding him passed out drunk on the sofa.  when he did finally wake up.  he beat my mother for making him miss my graduation.  while other kids were at diners with their families celebrating, i was watching my mother being dragged from one room to another.  my grandmother pleading with him to stop. her hands motioning to her chest.  when the chaos was over.  the quietness was deafening.  each party retreating to a corner. i never felt so alone.  i remember going outside that day and sitting on a bench in my graduation dress wishing someone would come after me to console me.  but they never did.  console me.  have you ever run away from someone hoping they would run after you?  i was an only child. and my desire for attention and love was so intense.  more than anything i wanted to be daddy’s girl.

rewinding a bit.

when i was 6yrs old, my mother cut off all my hair.  she didnt know how to manage my kinky curls.  in hindsight i dont think it was so much that she didnt know how or couldnt, i think she just couldnt be bothered.  this may not seem like such a big thing, but it was to me.  i had this mini afro thing going on until the age 11.  those 5yrs were painful.  i was skinny and awkward looking with an afro.  this was the 80’s.  my best friend had long hair, she would braid it and do all kinds of cute things to her hair.  i felt so ugly and was often mistaken for a boy.  did i mention i had HORRIBLE acne?  putting an image together in your head?  yes i was fugly.  i hated to walk by groups of people.  i could feel them staring at my face, even when they werent.  i would choose a seat on the bus based on what side of my face was less pimply.  there was this grocery store around the corner from my building. it was a major hang out.  almost like a community center.  men holding drinks in brown paper bags.  my dad was always one of them.  little kids running in and out with ten cent ices and quarter waters.  women chatting about this and that.  i walked in one day and the woman who owned it was standing there with the woman who would cut my hair.  i am not sure how my pimples became a topic.  but they did.  i hated that.  at least you have a pretty face.  thats what they said to me.  you’re not an ugly girl, imagine if you were ugly and had acne.  i felt the tears forming, gave them a fake but kind smile, and ran out of the store.  i learned the art of fake smiling very early on in life.  i had to do it every time someone would ask me, how are you doing?  i would smile and say fine.  when really everything was a mess.

ok so i am 12yrs old and my hair is growing out.  another awkward stage but i tried to work it as best i could.  my breast began to grow. my hips widened.  and my flat ass became a plump bulge in the back.  and just like that.  ATTENTION.

mmmm damn mami.

i like that ass.

hey chula.

can i have some of that.

hey sexy.

psst psst.

hey mami, lemme get cha number.

dame chocha.

mira mami, venir aquí.

it felt so good.  i was aware of my sexuality and the effect it had on men.  i loved the attention.  it made me feel good to be noticed. to be wanted. to feel desired.  i would dress to accentuate my lady lumps.  my breast were perky. my skin was smooth.  my legs were long.   my friends were already having sex.  i was still a virgin.  i had learned how to masturbate.  it was actually an accident that happened while taking a bath.  but i knew that i liked it and did it often.  i remember the things i would fantasize about while masturbating.  they were odd for a child of my age.  being restrained. gagged even.  but i didnt have the urge to have sex.

i eventually did have sex that year.  I didnt like it.  it didnt feel good to me. but i loved the power in my pussy.  i remember standing in front of a mirror.  my youthful body tanned from a day at the beach.  the neon colors of my bathing suit popping in contrast to my bronzed skin. i loved what i saw.  after years of hating the way i looked.  the feeling of being able to look in the mirror and be in love with my reflection was intoxicating.

the male attention. a poor substitute for the love i craved from my father.  it filled the void only for a moment.  the space he left in my heart is unfillable.

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July 27, 2009

A part of me.

You lean in and whisper
That you can’t live without me
My body aches
Sore from the relentless torture
That is you
The years before you were too short
I sob as I remind myself
I will never know a life without you
You are a part of me now
As much as my curls
And my beauty marks
You smile devilishly as it sinks in
As I get it
You take me in your arms
And every part of me stings
My eyes flood with tears
Unable to control them
They stream unto my cheeks
And I surrender
I embrace you limply
Helpless
Knowing that I have no choice
But to accept you as
A part of me
fibroImage courtesy of  Samantha Kira

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  • Moderate or severe fatigue and decreased energy
  • Insomnia or waking up feeling just as tired as when you went to sleep
  • Stiffness upon waking or after staying in one position for too long
  • Difficulty remembering, concentrating, and performing simple mental tasks
  • Abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, and constipation alternating with diarrhea (irritable bowel syndrome)
  • Tension or migraine headaches
  • Jaw and facial tenderness
  • Sensitivity to one or more of the following: odors, noise, bright lights, medications, certain foods, and cold
  • Feeling anxious or depressed
  • Numbness or tingling in the face, arms, hands, legs, or feet
  • Increase in urinary urgency or frequency (irritable bladder)
  • Reduced tolerance for exercise and muscle pain after exercise
  • A feeling of swelling (without actual swelling) in the hands and feet
  • Painful menstrual periods
  • Dizziness

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July 24, 2009

dont you judge me.

you can beat me.  use a stick if you wish. tear into me.  like a goodie filled pinata.  receive a shower of words.  that define who i am.  be forewarned.  they are not candy coated sugary goodness.  my glass ain’t always half full.  and sometimes the silver lining is out of sight.  i wont always feel good about not having shit.  because others have less shit.  some days i will count my blessings.  other days i will be too busy dodging bullets to admire the rainbow to my back.  sometimes i will complain.  some nights i will cry.  most times my blessings feel plentiful.  and a wave of foolishness causes my cheeks to flush with embarrassment.  i am passionate.  emotional.  vocal. forgiving.  sympathetic. volatile.  complex. aware.  a lover.  a fighter by nature.  my strength is endless.  often tested but never  beaten.  been beaten but not broken.  i done been broken.  but still in working condition.  thankful and humble  i am.  so don’t you judge me.

July 15, 2009

blow your mind

let me
blow your mind
turn it
inside out
let’s run
like wild horses
along the shore
of destiny
tempting fate
toying with ideas
of a future
unimagined
my visions
high definition
chase me
you know i won’t run
too fast
cos really
i want you to catch me
so you can free me
but first let me
blow your mind
promise to have
your thoughts
fears
desires
pouring out
of your mind
once i blow it
suck it
fuck it
chase me fast
grab me hard
kiss me slow
make me feel
every
single
ounce
of that pent up
sexual
tension
burning your core
i just wanna
blow your mind
the way you blow mine
come over
i’ve been squirming in bed
for hours
trembling
like an addict
hours from a high
you are truly a drug
worthy of addiction
i am afflicted
telling of things i’d do
just to get a taste of you
i need you
to feed me
fill me
fuck me
but first
let me blow your mind…
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July 10, 2009

You already know…

I want to invade your space
come into your place
get all in your face
make you want a lil taste
can I
seduce you
will you
surrender
had a glass of wine
maybe more
you already know
what it does
dance with me
turn me around
bend me over
I promise to move
just how you like
I love
to entice you
is it working?
go ahead
pull my hair
bring us
face to face
eye to eye
open mouth
to open mouth
breaths are heavy
chests are pounding
make me
submit to you
you already know
how I like it
Make me beg
cos you  know I will
undress me
and just take me
tonight
I am all yours
you already know
July 7, 2009

There you go…

taunting
and teasing
saying nothing much really
but driving me crazy
as if you are saying
SEXY passionate things
there you go
doing nothing
touching everything
there you go
getting me open
effortlessly
there you go
making me want you
crave you
you have no clue
what you do
but there you go…
July 6, 2009

I hope…

I hope I will really see my father again one day
And I hope there really is a better place
I hope LOVE really does conquer ALL
And if it does
I hope people get to LOVING
I hope people realize WAR does not create PEACE
And wars NEVER truly END
I hope one day we will all be recognized as equal
And realize that we were given the gift of sight
So we could appreciate the beauty of the world
Not CONDEMN JUDGE AND DISCRIMINATE
I hope one day people will realize the suffering
We cause in the name of FOOD and RESEARCH
And the disregard we have for life that WE DEEM insignificant
I hope one day MONEY won’t be more important than LIFE
And we will CURE  instead of prescribing drugs that KILL
I hope one day we will need a license to REPRODUCE
And maybe children will be born to parents that actually WANT them
I hope a good education will one day be available to ALL
And having EQUAL knowledge will EQUAL the playing field
I hope OBAMA really keeps all his PROMISES
And makes us PROUD to prove the ignorant folk WRONG
I hope Hurricane Katrina taught us a LESSON
And we never see RACISM so clearly again
I can only hope…
July 1, 2009

Ode to a Deadbeat

I don’t want to feel hate
But I feel it
I don’t want to want your money
But I need it
Withholding funds from your children
Trying to hurt me
But you are hurting them
Any dumb mutha fucka could see
Eight years of school
Because LAW was your decision
So tell me
Why are you a broke ass nigga
Working for Cablevision
You’re like a waste
A waste of damn skin
Your mere existence
Is truly a sin
You fucked
But now you don’t want to pay
Funny thing is
You still fucking me every which way
You wanna act like father of the year
Showing the kids off to your friends
But haven’t you heard
No ticky no laundry
This is where it ends
She’ll leave you in a few years
When she’s tired of the beatings and the lies
And you’ll be all alone
With no one to hear your big man cries
Then you’ll have two women
And four children
Coming at you with precision
Hopefully by then you’ll be
A bum ass manager
Working at Cablevision