unconditional. and flawless.

her love was exquisite.  she treated me like a queen. our meeting was somewhat of a blind date.  but not a date really.  her friend, who was my friends new love interest thought we would hit it off.  they did a drive by.  i should say i was still living with the father of my children.  we were not together at the time and trying to go our separate ways.  what us not being together meant was that he could do what he wanted to do and i had better not think about doing shit.  i remember when i first told him that i was into women.  i had only just discovered it myself.  he was very excited.  that was until he noticed what type of women i was into.  i still get a good laugh out of that one.  anyway they came by and i was completely smitten with her. her…not so much.  i understood.  i was still living with the asshole.  but we continued to speak.  and shortly there after, drive by number two.  she smelled so good.  like fresh laundry and some other scent that made me horny. she was leaning back on the hood of her car.  after some heavy flirting, she pulled me to her. one of her legs between mine.  i pressed into her.  thinking back on it now.  it was such a great first kiss.  not that it was incredibly romantic.  but her lips felt so good. her kiss quite literally made my body feel weak.  i closed my eyes and let her kiss me.  let myself feel her.

over the next few months, i fell so madly in love with her.  and her love was exquisite.  she was generous with her soul. with her love.  her smile touched me deeply.  she took good care of me.  she cooked for me.  she made love to me.  she showered me with compliments.  she left me love notes in packed lunches.  she made my birthdays memorable.  she humored me. she did the things i liked to do because she loved to see me happy.  she let me be free.  she encouraged my dreams.  she let me cry when i needed to.  she took me in her arms and offered me a rare kind of silent support not many know.  she massaged me when my body ached.  and when it didnt.  her arms felt like love.  it was beautiful.  we had wonderful times.  getting kicked out of @lovergirlnyc for fucking in the bathroom. sex in my car. in her car. on top of my car. by the chain link fence in front of my car. in hotel rooms. waiting for the hotel rooms.  her sex felt like…fuck damn shit. sex that makes you want to curse and say foul nasty whorish things. sex that made me look at her like she was in trouble. like what the fuck.

her soul was so pure. she never spoke lies.  her expression was always sincere.  her love was true and real. at times it was overwhelming. she would fall back when she saw i needed “me time.”  it was as if she was taught. the right way to love.  i was older than her by 3 yrs.  but i learned from her.  it was the first time i had ever known love.  her love felt like greatness. like being in the presence of a higher power.

she had flaws.  but in hindsight. they were nothing really.  nothing that wouldnt have changed with time.  she was immature.  she was not intellectual. though she wanted to learn because she knew i needed mental stimulation.

she was my shadow. i started to feel more like her mommy than her girl.  she let me be.  she let me breathe.  too much. my mind wandered.

we’d break up. but never really. until finally we did.

i was horrible to her. mean. a cunt. the cuntiest of cunts.  my eyes tear as i recall the sadness in hers.  the pleas.  the pain i caused. my heart still hurts.  it was so wrong. the way i disposed of her.

i think of her often. she is happy now. and her girlfriend is a lucky woman. im happy for her. i only wish i had ended things differently. she didnt derserve what i did. and i didnt deserve her. in hindsight. i was the immature one. the one with flaws. but she didnt see that. because her love was unconditional. and flawless.

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6 Comments to “unconditional. and flawless.”

  1. Another beautiful post! Are working on that manuscript?? I mean I’m not in the writing industry, but I don’t see how anyone could NOT pick something of yours up…or how they could even put it down. You have a wonderful story to tell…

  2. there is something so special about someone who can admit mistakes – it makes them genuine and real, engaging, mature, a constant growing work-in-progress. you manage, in this post, to express such raw emotion and, at the same time, reflect on a moment in your life where you can recognize real for what it was, on both ends, and continue to walk away and forward. you have gifts – the gift of writing and the gift of internal honesty. both are blessings.

    i am new to your site and, so far, am loving what i read. would love to learn more about you and what has brought you to this point in your writing life and more.

    continue to share your gifts. they are captivating.

  3. OMG. We must speak about to posts when we meet. 🙂

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