Archive for September, 2009

September 29, 2009


not even…
a hot bath…
could wash away…
my filthy thoughts…
September 26, 2009


its dark
and my eyes are drawn
to the flicker of a candle
the wine has taken away my inhibitions
and my hands begin to wander where i wish yours would
my swollen clit pulses as my fingers slip over and around it
every inch of me is drunk with the idea of you
of your hands
finding all my spots
having their way
my back arches impulsively
at the thought of your weight on me
your body heavy on mine
i’m aching…
my pussy is crying…
each drip
is my pussy
mourning your absence
come to me
watch me
devour myself at the thought of you
then take me
and use me
and probe…
and suck…
and fuck…
as you wish…
i know you know…
that im not afraid to beg
to say your name…
just the way you like…
to make all the sounds…
that make you bite your lip
and become vulgar
to say the things that
will cause you to thrust your tongue
into my mouth
and kiss me
as we grab at each other
pushing our bodies closer
pumping harder
whimpering louder…
i just want you so bad..
im exhausted…
so tired of waiting…
no toy…
no touch that is my own…
can satisfy
the insatiable
i have for you..
September 19, 2009

ouchy. my brain hurts.

Life has been a bit crazy lately.  I havent been dedicating any time to blogging or journaling, even though they’re on my to-do list daily.  I struggle with posting what is on my mind and what is heavy on my heart because I dont want this space to become that place.  The place where people come and think to themselves damn this bitch is depressing.

Those of you that know me, know that I am a very happy person.  Those of you that know me well, know that there is usually something going on.  I dont want to think that I attract these things.  They are normally financial issues, deadbeat issues, health issues, kid issues…things that are not in my power to change.  I can easily stop rehashing the painful issues from my past.  But clearly I am just not done with those emotions yet.  Expressing my feelings is a part of my healing process.  And there is a lot of healing to be done.

I am not sure what this post is about.  I guess it should serve as a message that many of my posts are and will be dreary… sad… morbid…just plain ugh.  Just know that I am not whining or complaining.  My heart is FULL of LOVE.  I mentioned in a previous post being an empath, and recent events have really saddened me to the point of tears.  I FEEL, really FEEL the pain of others.

I told a twitter friend that I would pray for a loved one.  I also told her that I am not one of those people who says I will pray because it sounds good.  I truly pray when I say I am going to pray.

I pray every time I see a raging fire truck on its way to a possible fire.  I have a very soft spot in my heart for the people who put their lives on the line to help strangers.  Those that run into a burning building while everyone else is running out.  Hurts me to my core when I hear on the news that a firefighter lost his life.

My brain…oh my brain.  What a bitter-sweet relationship I have with it.  It is my best friend and my worst enemy.

Gonna let you into it for a minute…

Say I’m watching the news…

Kidnapped woman found in wooded area…nude, raped and stabbed to death.

The reaction of most is…. Fuck!  Jesus. *sigh* What a shame. Poor girl. *tightens lips and shakes head*

My reaction… I get really upset.  I stare at her picture for as long as it stays on the TV screen.  I imagine her as a child… I imagine her parents grief.  I imagine what my own would be.  I think of her last moments, her fear and helplessness.  I think of how fragile life is and how badly she wanted to live.  How badly she wished someone would save her.  Her screams. Her last thoughts.  The panic in her eyes.  I think of her begging.  I try to recall what I might have been doing while she was being raped and killed.  I think if the unimaginable pain of being stabbed to death.  I think of the day before it happened.  How life probably seemed so normal and she had no idea death was on its way.  I think of her putting on her shoes that morning not realizing that would be the last time she would do that.  I think of many things… way too many things.  But I think every life is entitled to more than a second of mourning, even a strangers.  Everyone is important to someone, and their lives and deaths should not be disregarded.

If I think like this when I hear of a stranger dying…well then I am sure you can imagine how deeply hurt I feel when it is someone close to me… someone as close as a father.

I haven’t said much about the death of my grandmother and role she played in my life.  She was my best friend.  I plan to write about her soon.  I also want to write about my experience having to deal with losing my grandmother and father six months apart, both during my first pregnancy.

So, as I mentioned, I told a twitter friend that I would pray for her loved one… and I came across this prayer by Iyanla Vanzant.

A Blessing for the Body…
Dear God,
Bless her body today!
Shower every part of her with the strength of your love.
Fill every muscle, every tissue, every cell, every organ and every system of her body with divine radiance and health.
Bless her body today, God!
Bless every part of her with divine strength and wholeness. Eliminate the ravages of self-abuse and negligent self -care.
Fill every part of her with divine light that will restore divine order to every part of her body.
Bless her body today!
Strengthen her body today, God!
Strengthen her arms and legs.
Strengthen her hands and feet.
Strengthen her heart and all of the systems supported by it.
Let the healing power of your strength flow through her to correct and eliminate all imbalance, disease and disharmony.
Bless her body with strength today!
I pray that she is open to receive the divine love, light and order in every part of her body.
I pray that her body is whole, healed and blessed!
And so it is!

I modified the words a bit so that the prayer was for her.  This prayer is from the book Every Day I Pray by Iyanla Vanzant.

And I just want to say thank you to those that take the time to read my words without judgement.  I love you.

September 10, 2009

oh autumn.


Central Park, NYC

there is something so magnificent about autumn.  the crispness of the air.  the need for a blanket.  how good warm beverages feel in your hands.  it makes home feel extra special. it brings with it memories of childhood halloweens, first days of school.  the anticipation of first snows.  it brings with it bitter-sweet memories of family gatherings. family members no longer present.  it’s a time for reflection as a new year draws near.  as the summer takes its last breath, beach goers their last swims, roller coasters their last runs… the city comes alive.  store windows change.  bathing suits give way to turtlenecks.  holiday lighting illuminates the streets.  the crunching of the falling leaves beneath your feet adds a little something to your morning commute.

New York City autumn.  i dont know any other.  i am sure there are far more beautiful cities.  with scenic landscapes that feature rolling hills and apple trees.  but i feel there is no place like my city. NYC springs are sweet.  its summers are HOT and full of possibilities.  but its autumn is the coming attraction.  the prelude to the most amazing time of year in the best city in the world.  i think it’s so special because you can find pieces of the entire world here. in this city.

As we approach the anniversary of September 11th,  I am so proud to call this city home.  I feel honored to have been a part of that tragic part of our history.  there was an energy in the city on that dreadful day and the days that followed that is indescribable.  and every year on that day, there is still an amazing sense  of unity. of love.  of sadness. of pride.

it’s so hard here.  you can get lost here. in this big city. NYC shows you tough love.  and if you can make it here. you can truly make it anywhere.  i would love to travel and see the beauty of the world. but it is at this time of year… i could not imagine… calling any other place home.

I Love NY

I Love NY

What do you love most about Autumn?

September 4, 2009

i didnt forget you daddy.

his day was a week ago.  i tried to let it pass quietly.  but i have been feeling the tug.  the need to write about him.  i want him to know that i still remember him.  that his loss will forever be felt.  we lose people, we mourn them, but over time, it gets easier.  we think of them a little less as the years go by.  its only natural. life goes on.

its been seventeen years, and it hasn’t gotten easier.  at times it seems as if it has become more painful.  every time i see a father reading to his little girl.  or a daughter and father walking hand in hand.  a teary eyed dad walking his baby down the isle. it breaks me.

i was watching intervention and saw a family destroyed by alcoholism.  i saw a man near death.  i saw him get the help he needed.  i saw a family united and witnessed a happy ending.

im so jealous of that.  i wanted that so badly.

they say you have to let them hit rock bottom.  apparently for my father, that bottom was pretty low.  and on the way there… death caught up with him.  his painful journey to that final day was difficult to witness.  even as a child i remember wanting to help him.  wanting to assume the parent role and show him that we could be happy, as a family.  i can still see the glazed look in his eyes… seemed as if he were looking right through me.

i miss him.

i’ve had more years without him, than i had with him.

i dont go to his grave often.  i think in the seventeen years he’s been gone, i have been there maybe three times.  i think maybe i will go there and lay a blanket on his grave and just be with him.  although i know thats not him anymore.   its tangible.

Daddy, I wish you hadn’t left me so soon.  I wish I could have seen your heart healed.  I wish my children knew your laugh.  You would have been an awesome grandfather. My heart still feels heavy.  I still feel the pain I felt on that day.  I won’t ever forget how carelessly it was told to me.  I wish I could wake up, and this would all be a dream.  Though I know I would just be waking up to the nightmare that was your life.  I hated that we left you in that apartment alone, but you left us little choice.  I remember when you tried to get better.  You came to church with us every Sunday and you walked around with a Bible, preaching to your friends.  You were better for a short while.  But the pain and reality of having lost your family.  Having to reside in that house  that was once filled with my voice and moms voice.  The scent of home cooking filling it.  The TV blaring my favorite shows.  My best friend… and she still is Dad, 28yrs now… she’d be there acting a fool…the dog barking… I know the quietness was torturous.  You relapsed for the last time.  And you died alone… and I hate that.  I hate that I didn’t see you one last time.  I hate that you died thinking that I didn’t love you… and that you had failed me.  I hate it.  I am so sorry for not coming to see you that last weekend.  That decision still haunts me.  I forgive you for everything.  I don’t want time to steal you from me.  I don’t want my memories to be come vague.  They are all I have left. Our good times were good.  We were robbed Daddy, you and I.  We weren’t done.  Not anywhere near it.  A part of me didn’t grow anymore after you left me.  The little girl that still needed her Daddy is snuggled close to you in that grave…she died with you.