i didnt forget you daddy.

his day was a week ago.  i tried to let it pass quietly.  but i have been feeling the tug.  the need to write about him.  i want him to know that i still remember him.  that his loss will forever be felt.  we lose people, we mourn them, but over time, it gets easier.  we think of them a little less as the years go by.  its only natural. life goes on.

its been seventeen years, and it hasn’t gotten easier.  at times it seems as if it has become more painful.  every time i see a father reading to his little girl.  or a daughter and father walking hand in hand.  a teary eyed dad walking his baby down the isle. it breaks me.

i was watching intervention and saw a family destroyed by alcoholism.  i saw a man near death.  i saw him get the help he needed.  i saw a family united and witnessed a happy ending.

im so jealous of that.  i wanted that so badly.

they say you have to let them hit rock bottom.  apparently for my father, that bottom was pretty low.  and on the way there… death caught up with him.  his painful journey to that final day was difficult to witness.  even as a child i remember wanting to help him.  wanting to assume the parent role and show him that we could be happy, as a family.  i can still see the glazed look in his eyes… seemed as if he were looking right through me.

i miss him.

i’ve had more years without him, than i had with him.

i dont go to his grave often.  i think in the seventeen years he’s been gone, i have been there maybe three times.  i think maybe i will go there and lay a blanket on his grave and just be with him.  although i know thats not him anymore.   its tangible.

Daddy, I wish you hadn’t left me so soon.  I wish I could have seen your heart healed.  I wish my children knew your laugh.  You would have been an awesome grandfather. My heart still feels heavy.  I still feel the pain I felt on that day.  I won’t ever forget how carelessly it was told to me.  I wish I could wake up, and this would all be a dream.  Though I know I would just be waking up to the nightmare that was your life.  I hated that we left you in that apartment alone, but you left us little choice.  I remember when you tried to get better.  You came to church with us every Sunday and you walked around with a Bible, preaching to your friends.  You were better for a short while.  But the pain and reality of having lost your family.  Having to reside in that house  that was once filled with my voice and moms voice.  The scent of home cooking filling it.  The TV blaring my favorite shows.  My best friend… and she still is Dad, 28yrs now… she’d be there acting a fool…the dog barking… I know the quietness was torturous.  You relapsed for the last time.  And you died alone… and I hate that.  I hate that I didn’t see you one last time.  I hate that you died thinking that I didn’t love you… and that you had failed me.  I hate it.  I am so sorry for not coming to see you that last weekend.  That decision still haunts me.  I forgive you for everything.  I don’t want time to steal you from me.  I don’t want my memories to be come vague.  They are all I have left. Our good times were good.  We were robbed Daddy, you and I.  We weren’t done.  Not anywhere near it.  A part of me didn’t grow anymore after you left me.  The little girl that still needed her Daddy is snuggled close to you in that grave…she died with you.

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5 Comments to “i didnt forget you daddy.”

  1. Once again I am left in awe of your talent. Yours is a great gift; storyteller.

  2. This deep and personal chapter in your life is one I feel blessed to be privy to. The beauty in misery and misery in beauty is something one can only write this emotionally accurate if they themselves have felt and gone through it wholly. Your strength remains admirable.

  3. I will also say this; the lack of comments on this post says more about those of us that read it than anything else.

    You touch a deep nerve when you write this stuff.

  4. idk where to start hun!!!
    This is heartbreaking to read. I could feel every word/emotion. Let me just say you’re a strong individual and I don’t think you will ever know how much I admire you for having the courage to share such a personal part of your life!!!

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