Archive for November, 2010

November 17, 2010

Baby Zoey…

November sixteenth
is no longer ‘the day my father died’
i will still grieve on that day
but i will also celebrate
the life of Baby Zoey
a new life
to be lived
a new story
to be told
and hers will be beautiful
because she will always know
LOVE
from those near
and far
you are but a tiny bud
and watching you blossom
will be such a joy
please don’t grow too fast
and always know your beauty
and your worth
your name means LIFE
and for your doting parents
you have given it new meaning
you are blessing
a precious gift
welcome
Baby Zoey
November 16, 2010

this day…then.

so many things happened…
on this day, then…
things I wish I could change…
and forget…
you left this world…
and me…
maybe the world didn’t notice…
you slip away…
but I have felt…
the insatiable emptiness…
of your departing…
every minute…
of every day…
you left this world…
and me…
this day, then…
eighteen years ago…
and now you’re in a place…
where your heartaches…
are painless…
and your burdens…
are weightless…
but I’m still here…
in this world…
living without you…
but a part of me hasn’t lived…
since this day, then…
eighteen years ago…
when you left this world…
and me…
RIP Daddy 11.16.1992
November 12, 2010

abuela.

i actually never called her abuela. only grandma.  her name was Anna Marie Lopez.  and she was my best friend. funny. she wasnt very nurturing. and was never really vocal about her love. but i could just feel how much she loved me. her silent gestures of pure and unconditional love were profound.  she lived with us until i was about nine or so. until she couldnt bear not one more of my fathers violent drunken episodes.  and when she left. i was completely heartbroken.  i remember saying. but who is going to play with me? and then i was truly ALONE. to bear the violent drunken episodes by myself. i went to visit her often. in her high-rise project building in coney island. one block from the beach. perfect for her. she loved the sun and the boardwalk. she was simple. she loved watching wrestling. and her soap operas. she would scream at the TV. urging for someone to smack someone. actually that applied to both wrestling and the soap operas. she liked sunkist soda. and smoked virginia slims. her hair was dyed honey blond. and she had a mini fro. she painted her nails. and her adorable toes. she hated taking pictures. and she loved to read any book that featured Fabio on the cover. she clipped coupons and played her numbers. she loved her tiny apartment. and the smell of the ocean that filled it. she was sarcastic and not easily amused. and she had the most precious smile. when she let you see it.

i remember the devastation in her eyes. when she found out i was pregnant. she immediately asked the nurse for abortion information. it was one of the few times i saw her cry. i didnt have an abortion. and she took wonderful care of me during my pregnancy. i woke every morning to a bowl of cereal waiting for me. we would watch her soap operas together. both screaming for someone to smack someone. we shopped together. and held hands. i walked at her pace. and stopped when she needed to rest.  that was the year we truly became best friends. 

she had a heart attack on mothers day of 1993, and died three days later, less than a month before i gave birth to my daughter. and approximately six months after my father passed away. i remember the last time i saw her. hooked up to a million tubes. helpless. she hated feeling helpless. i bought her a plant in this ceramic planter. i held it up and said “for you grandma.” she struggled to smile. the tubes and tape restricted her. but she wouldnt have smiled big for me anyway. they had taken out her false teeth. she hated that. made her feel old. i told her i would take the plant home for her. and i left her for the night.

and then.

she left us.

it destroyed my world.

but i hold on to our precious memories.

she will always be my best friend.

November 9, 2010

Are you a good friend to yourself?

If you had a friend that spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend.

When I saw this question, I immediately thought of how hard I can be on myself at times.  The things I repeat over and over in my head to myself.  How I always seem to focus on my shortcomings, my failures, my flaws and my mistakes.

I tried to imagine a friend speaking to me, berating me, bashing me and verbally abusing me… just as I do to myself.  I also imagined me punching that person in the mouth.  Why would I subject myself to such abuse FROM MYSELF?

I started to really explore how damaging my thoughts really are.  I wondered about all of things I have talked myself out of…the different ways I have held myself back.  Why do I spend so much time acknowledging my’ have-nots’ instead of celebrating my ‘haves’ … why do I always put the spotlight on my failures instead of celebrating my successes and daily accomplishments? 

I am going to sign an emotional contract with myself. 

I promise to only uplift myself.

I promise to only inspire and encourage myself.

I promise to celebrate myself daily…

My survival…

My courageous spirit…

My heart…

My successes…no matter how small…

I promise to LOVE myself better…

In my previous post… I wrote about treating others as you wish to be treated…

It just hit me…

I have to treat MYSELF the way I wish to be treated…

Because ultimately…

Who will treat me any better than I treat myself?

November 8, 2010

want it…give it.

Meditating on treating others as you wish to be treated…

it seems simple enough… you want respect, you give it.  you want love, you give it.   you want consideration, compassion, kindness…you GIVE IT.

i witnessed lots of violence and unhealthy behavior in my childhood…and almost never got the treatment i so hungered for.  so i definitely don’t think it is something that is necessarily taught… or maybe it is… inadvertently. 

my hunger for love and affection was always the reason why i gave it so freely… i always yearned for the same treatment in return… more often than not… i was disappointed… my kindness was often abused and taken for granted…

today i am just as giving… and treat people in the manner in which i wish to be treated… i just don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of…

it is still my hunger that fuels me…and i still find myself disappointed at the lack of reciprocation… but today i am able to understand that not everyone has been able to take their past and their pain and use it in a constructive way…

some people have been abused…some people have been starved of love and affection… and as a result they have allowed themselves to become hardened… cold… ruthless …callous … and even worse…  they have a sense of entitlement … they demand a level of respect and consideration that they themselves do not give…

i have had to learn that it is NOT me.  it is NOT that i am NOT worthy of all that i give… sometimes i just give it to people who are not ready to receive…

November 5, 2010

low.

I havent feel this low
in forever
and i’ve been low
if life is a maze
i am so lost
and if life is a game
it feels like i’m losing
im sinking
damn, this is a new low
i tried to grasp
the other lows
on the way down
but i’m just plummeting
too fast
damn…
i’m so low.