Archive for February, 2011

February 28, 2011

and so…

I realize that some of my insecurities surfaced yesterday… And some unintentionally hurtful words… stung… Gave me a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach… And I just wanted to dig a hole… and crawl in it… I haven’t been good lately… Haven’t been eating the best… Haven’t been consistent in the gym… and have been feeling a little blah about myself… ugh… I have a lot of physical insecurities as most women do… but I am always my own worst critic… I pick myself apart… dissect myself… point out all of my flaws… and they feel begin to feel plentiful…

I was never told that I was beautiful as a child… that’s probably because I wasn’t… I was usually the target of some joke… flat ass… pale skin… lanky body… kinky hair… big forehead… etc… and I think as I got older… although I became more secure with my physical attributes… I have remained sensitive about certain things… more-so when I’m in a funky place emotionally… and of course… my darling dear mother still loves to point out what could use improvement… I think paying me a complement might actually cause her physical pain… or at least it seems that way…

And that’s really all I have to say about that…

Ggrrr…

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February 28, 2011

ugh…

I am so over this… I want to scream today… the burning… and stiffness… the knots… the spasms…. the soreness… it’s non-stop… all of my waking hours… and some of my sleeping ones… I’m disgusted… and discouraged… and sad… I don’t want this…

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February 27, 2011

Effortless.

In the past I realize I have made some poor relationship choices.  Unhealthy ones that I knew in my gut were not wise.  Why did I move forward then?  I honestly cannot answer that question, and I have tried.

All of my partners have been so different. I loved them all for the amazing qualities that they each possessed, but with the exception of one, maybe two, I knew that it wasn’t going to be a forever thing.  Subconsciously I guess I was okay with that. 

I guess one of my issues is that I like to see the good in people.  I’m always hopeful that I will be able to overlook certain things, and that the good will outweigh the bad.  In a nutshell, I have settled. 

I have kissed my share of frogs in my journey to find my Miss Charming…

Feels good to not feel like I am settling… to feel that the person I love is all I could have imagined… and then some…

Loving consciously… taking all that I have learned from my many mistakes… and creating the relationship I have always dreamed of… the one I was starting believe was impossible…

It’s still sinking in… not only is it possible… but it’s effortless.

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February 25, 2011

home…

i can lose myself in her. not in the bad kind of way where you compromise your own being. but in the way that i can totally forget about everything outside of the love i feel.

her face. her smile. her laugh. her touch. her kiss. her gaze. her embrace. her sweet nothings. her toes. her back. her arms. her hands. her neck. her bite. her strength. her voice. her hair. her glasses. her walk. her lines. her taste. her scent. her spirit. her soul. her. just her. i can get so lost in her. and just be. be free. be me.

she feels like a vacation for my soul. an escape for my heart. a weekend getaway for my mind. 

i get so lost in her. 

she feels like home.

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February 22, 2011

paths…

i have never been a big believer in “fate” or “destiny”

but…

it is blowing my mind how many times i subtly crossed her path…before she ultimately crashed into mine…

i remember being nosy one day and going to her time line to see who she was…realizing she was someone’s girlfriend…

although it didn’t matter much at that time… because i was someone’s girlfriend too…

i remember reading someone’s blog… and seeing her comments… not realizing who she was because there was no photo corresponding with her comment post…but i remember thinking how lovely her words were…

i remember the day someone told me about this girl they were digging…and it was her…

i remember the day i was mentioned in a follow friday… and to my surprise she tweeted that she was now following @_wordy (and a few others)…

i remember our innocent interactions… and for some reason feeling that they would become more significant…

and they did…

our tweets… and DMs… and late night phone calls…

led to our meeting…

and every moment since then… has been effortlessly wonderful…

but all those lil “chance” encounters blow my mind…

what if no #FF… or no “numbers game” … or no dying battery that led to a weekend long DM session… that led to our first telephone conversation… that led to us…

wow… that would have just been tragic…

February 21, 2011

change…

crazy how much can change in a few months.  i was looking over a few of my last journal entries.

11/30/10:  “my soul is bleeding. hungry. wandering aimlessly. sad about how my family has abandoned me. i feel like the outcast my father was.”

at that time, my relationship was also coming to an end.  it was a very weird time. everything felt wrong… and overwhelming.

12/5/10: “missing page was my goodbye letter to her.” (previous page had been torn out)

i couldnt see the light at that time.  but i do believe it’s true… that certain things fall apart… so that other things can come together.

and come together they have. beautifully.

February 21, 2011

within me.

i feel myself changing.

growing.

my eyes seem more open.

my heart more full.

my soul more aware.

i feel a shift.

something stirring.

brewing.

movement.

within me.

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February 17, 2011

every once in a while…

 

you have to make a funny face… just because… 🙂

February 17, 2011

take me in…

i wanna get lost in you…
and get lost with you…
i wanna run to you…
just run away with you…
baby, fly to me…
just fly away with me…
i wanna leap where you are…
and take a leap of faith with you…
i would climb a mountain to get to you…
baby, i wanna climb mountains with you…
i would crawl on my hands and knees to be with you…
darling, i wanna crawl so deep into you…
i wanna love you…
love with you…
baby, i wanna pour my love into you…
take me in…
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February 16, 2011

Nineteen years and counting…

Thoughts of my father surfaced recently. I am so frustrated.  How do you settle what can never be settled… find closure with someone you can never speak to again… have one last moment with someone who is gone forever?

It’s going on 19 years soon… but still… a part of me feels like the 14-year-old he left behind… only more tired… less youthful… and the void he left behind… larger and more empty…

Still not sure how to make peace with his death… with all of my unacknowledged feelings… with all of my pain… with my daddy issues… with my never-enough-complex…

I don’t know what I wish… that he were here maybe? Healed hopefully… but more than likely… he’d still be drunk… and high… disappointing me… and feeding my complex… and lord knows… my mother does that enough.  I have never heard her say she was proud of me… never…

I cried myself to sleep two nights ago… torturing myself with thoughts of him… the few good times we had together during his sober moments… he was the apple of my eye then…

I have my own regrets… I guess never imagining that our time would be cut so short… always thinking there would be that later time… hoping that he would get his shit together… and that we’d finally get to have our time… that finally I would have my time… just to be a kid… to be free… to be loved… to be his baby girl… to be number one… to be a priority… to feel safe… and taken care of… to be worry free… to not be second… shit… third even… to his drugs and alcohol…

That time never came… and my heart still feels like it’s waiting…