Motivation.

I just read something that both motivated me and made me feel like shit, simultaneously. I really need to get my shit together and WRITE. I love writing just to write…but I need to really WRITE…with being published as my main focus.  Blogging and sharing my insane life with the world is fun…but umm… yeah…not much else is going to come from revealing my craziness on this here blog.

Lord knows I have enough to pull from to write an interesting read. 🙂

30 somewhat interesting facts about me :)

1. I need to know where my lip gloss is at ALL times
2. I can’t ever be vegan because of my scary cheese addiction
3. I sleep with a bra on
4. I hate okra ugh
5. I am struggling to give up seafood
6. My toilet tissue must hang OVER…under is just plain silly
7. I buy whatever toothpaste is on sale
8. I must apply an even amount of deodorant strokes to each armpit
9. Judging by my last fact… I may have a mild case of OCD
10. I ADORE my friends and when they hurt, I hurt
11. I have Fibromyalgia
12. I tend to dance with my eyes closed when I’m drunk
13. I have an alter ego named Yasmine…shes mad funny yo. lol
14. I am oddly strong
15. I was a teen mom
16. I came out when I was  19 yo
17. I love to drive fast and race
18. I am shy
19. I take a fistful of vitamins daily
20. I hate killing any living thing… even pesky insects 😦
21. I am eating cheese right now lmao
22. My drink of choice when out at a club/lounge is a cosmo
23. I have watched SEX AND THE CITY reruns more than I care to mention
24. I am a Sarah Jessica Parker GROUPIE and PROUD
25. I have stalked both SJP’s & Carrie’s apartments LOL
26. I can make a dollar out of fifteen cents
27. I am a good listener
28. I LOVE elephants and dolphins
29. I LOVE hard
30. I LOVE who I am

the last fuck you.

so yesterday was an interesting day… a weasel… weaseled her way into my home… without permission… using keys that were no longer hers to use… assuming no one would be home… finding my daughter coming out of the shower… offering lies of me giving her permission to be there… to retrieve the last of her things… to avoid having to pay for outstanding living expenses…

it was her last slap in the face to me… her last FUCK YOU VANESSA… her last of biting the hand that fed and housed her… it was the LAST.

its okay though… I am making peace with it… the good person that I am had everything in one place… freshly washed… waiting for an even exchange of things to take place…

The audacity of her to come into my home… without my knowledge or consent… to roam through my rooms… into MY bedroom… and through MY drawers… what a violation… but am I really shocked at her actions… no… she had shown me her potentially trifling ways many times… it’s my fault really… I chose to see the good and ignore the bad… I chose to believe that I was not being taken advantage of… but there was always one thing I could count on… her being consistently inconsistent…

But I am noticing a new pattern… #she… was there for me yet again yesterday… she has this way… of offering herself… her support… its perfect… and makes me feel a sense of security… that I havent felt before… I am always holding myself together… because I know if I fall… there’s never anyone there to catch me… and that feels different now…

Today…

is just one of those days. the world seems heavier. and my shoulders feel weaker. the walls seems closer. and my breaths seem shorter. the air seems thicker. and this space feels smaller. the light seems dimmer. and my fake smile seems faker.

it’s just one of those days.

*I wrote this four months ago and posted on my tumblr…but today feels like this too… *sigh*