Archive for February 16th, 2011

February 16, 2011

Nineteen years and counting…

Thoughts of my father surfaced recently. I am so frustrated.  How do you settle what can never be settled… find closure with someone you can never speak to again… have one last moment with someone who is gone forever?

It’s going on 19 years soon… but still… a part of me feels like the 14-year-old he left behind… only more tired… less youthful… and the void he left behind… larger and more empty…

Still not sure how to make peace with his death… with all of my unacknowledged feelings… with all of my pain… with my daddy issues… with my never-enough-complex…

I don’t know what I wish… that he were here maybe? Healed hopefully… but more than likely… he’d still be drunk… and high… disappointing me… and feeding my complex… and lord knows… my mother does that enough.  I have never heard her say she was proud of me… never…

I cried myself to sleep two nights ago… torturing myself with thoughts of him… the few good times we had together during his sober moments… he was the apple of my eye then…

I have my own regrets… I guess never imagining that our time would be cut so short… always thinking there would be that later time… hoping that he would get his shit together… and that we’d finally get to have our time… that finally I would have my time… just to be a kid… to be free… to be loved… to be his baby girl… to be number one… to be a priority… to feel safe… and taken care of… to be worry free… to not be second… shit… third even… to his drugs and alcohol…

That time never came… and my heart still feels like it’s waiting…

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February 16, 2011

Today…

Wow… came across this song while cruising Breasts Wild as Black Waves … and I absolutely fell in LOVE with it.  Explains so very perfectly how thankful I am for her…

Today by Joshua Radin

Shoelaces untied
You can dry your eye
Perfect shadows lie behind us
And this is the day I make you mine

The way your hair lies
Sometimes unrecognized
All the way from Nice today, on a train
Nothing to say but there’s still time

You are the one I’ve been waiting for today
And here comes the sun, it’s been baiting ‘morn today

Lately I’ve lost my tongue
Today you found my song
Unknown our love, has grown
And I thank god you came along

You are the one one I’ve been waiting for today
And here comes the sun, it’s been baiting ‘morn today

You looked right through me, there was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself, today
Today

You are the one I’ve been waiting for today
And here comes the sun, it’s been baiting ‘morn today

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