Nineteen years and counting…

Thoughts of my father surfaced recently. I am so frustrated.  How do you settle what can never be settled… find closure with someone you can never speak to again… have one last moment with someone who is gone forever?

It’s going on 19 years soon… but still… a part of me feels like the 14-year-old he left behind… only more tired… less youthful… and the void he left behind… larger and more empty…

Still not sure how to make peace with his death… with all of my unacknowledged feelings… with all of my pain… with my daddy issues… with my never-enough-complex…

I don’t know what I wish… that he were here maybe? Healed hopefully… but more than likely… he’d still be drunk… and high… disappointing me… and feeding my complex… and lord knows… my mother does that enough.  I have never heard her say she was proud of me… never…

I cried myself to sleep two nights ago… torturing myself with thoughts of him… the few good times we had together during his sober moments… he was the apple of my eye then…

I have my own regrets… I guess never imagining that our time would be cut so short… always thinking there would be that later time… hoping that he would get his shit together… and that we’d finally get to have our time… that finally I would have my time… just to be a kid… to be free… to be loved… to be his baby girl… to be number one… to be a priority… to feel safe… and taken care of… to be worry free… to not be second… shit… third even… to his drugs and alcohol…

That time never came… and my heart still feels like it’s waiting…

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3 Comments to “Nineteen years and counting…”

  1. Wow pretty strong stuff. You seem very strong, well you have to be to write this so honestly. I think I am going to read more of your stuff.

  2. I am sorry that you had to see this kind of hardship in your life. I am sorry for your loss. But in your words, I know somewhere is a person who can be what they want, they can be free.
    Use this blog as an outlet. You will be fine 🙂 you are awesome xx

  3. Thank you both so much for taking the time to read and offering such kind words!

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