Archive for March, 2011

March 31, 2011

empty stomach, full brain.

I always struggle with how much of what is on my mind I should reveal on here.  This blog has served as my safe place on many lonely nights, but sometimes I post just to vent at the risk of sounding like I am whining.  I don’t want to be perceived that way.  A whiner.

Things are extremely hectic right now.  My brain is going constantly, every waking moment.  It’s particularly exhausting.  I know I’m a survivor, but I’m fucking tired.  I feel like the last one in the race carrying a bag of bricks  cinder blocks.  OVER IT!

I am on day 2 of this cleanse and my brain feels extra incapable of handling my rigorous obsessive compulsive thinking. 

My daughter is what keeps me going, her needs… the things she deserves.  I can’t fail.  I can’t stop.  I can’t throw my hands up and say FUCK IT!  I can’t.  She needs me.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I completely and totally losing my mind simply trying to keep it all together.

I am trying to maintain an acceptable level of sanity (what’s acceptable is debatable in NY).  Finances are one of those things though… they can really fuck with you mentally.  And they are.  Fucking with me.

I wonder if it would be bad to put some vodka in this Master Cleanse shit.

March 30, 2011

Day 1 of the Master Cleanse…

So today I am starting the Master Cleanse…. I have made my first 32oz portion.  It tastes pretty yummy and so far so good…but it’s a little early to be celebrating! 🙂 

I am sitting here thinking of how many other areas of my life need a good cleansing. 

With the exception of my love life… everything else seems to be a mess.

I am going to try doing morning meditations and positive affirmations… I need to take control of my life… right now it just feels like I am on this train speeding nowhere with no breaks. 

I am hoping to incorporate a spiritual element to this cleanse…

I need something empowering and motivational to read… or maybe I will just write… and purge…

Feeling hopeful about the process.

March 28, 2011

Happy Birthday…

she didn’t want to make too much of a fuss of this day… she’s feeling a little vulnerable… time does that to us… as we feel it moving faster than us… but her birthday is a special day… sounds cliché and corny… but i am so thankful that she is here… and i have missed so many birthdays… so many years of her life… i want to celebrate every day of knowing her… i wish i could see all the things that have made her who she is today… watch as a bystander… as things made her smile… laugh… made her cry… hurt her… excited her… i know she reveals only a fraction of who she is… and when i think of how much i love the parts i know of her thus far… it makes me smile… i have so much more falling in love to do… ❤

Happy Birthday my LOVE…

You are a gift to me each day you wake…

Te adoro…

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March 16, 2011

hanging curtains and stuff…

The simple days are the ones that make me smile the most… an impromptu visit… a spur of the moment Target run… a trip to PathMark… and back to the apartment to make sandwiches… hang curtains and watch a movie… to make love… and cuddle… to talk… and laugh…

And, what a classic moment… as we stood back to admire the curtains… only to realize the panels were different lengths… REALLY different. SORRY!!! LOL

As usual, it was torture as our day came to an end… and I almost literally had to tear myself away from her…

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March 9, 2011

Thank you…

Yesterday was so difficult for me… putting my beloved Cupcake to rest… but I absolutely cannot let this time pass without expressing my extreme gratitude to my love… for offering me the most amazing support…

She was perfect…

Her silence spoke volumes…

Her touch was profound…

Her eyes conveyed love and understanding…

She spoke very little…

But said so much…

It felt okay to be weak…

And vulnerable…

Because I knew I would be taken care of…

In whatever way I needed…

Yesterday I saw yet another example of the greatness of her love…

She unveiled another part of herself…

And I fell deeper in love…

Thank you my love… for who you are… for all you do… and for loving me so perfectly… ❤

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March 9, 2011

One last everything…

Yesterday my Cupcake took one last breath…

I looked at her one last time…

And gave her one last hug…

She took one last walk…

And went to sleep one last time…

My Cupcake was so much more than one little dog…

She had a heart that seemed to touch everyone…

Her little trot… and her little face…

Her little kisses… and her extreme foot fetish…

I am so going to miss her nuzzling up to my feet…

Whenever they were dangling or exposed…

Her sweet little spirit captured mine…

From the first time my eyes met hers…

And as I write this… I just can’t hold back the tears…

Eleven years reduced to one last everything…

I wish she could have lived forever in perfect health…

She left behind her husband Eddie… who seems lost without her…

Last night I fed only one dog…

And put on only one leash…

For a lonely little walk…

She was missing… and every part of me felt her absence…

When I viewed her lifeless little body…

It hurt me to my core…

Because she was so full of life…

My little Cupcake was gone forever…

My Cups… my good girl…

You will remain in my heart always…

RIP Cupcake 12/25/2000 – 3/8/2011

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March 8, 2011

March 3, 2011

there you are..

there you are…
in the most intimate…
crevices of my mind…
the small spaces where no one else could fit…
i find you there…
you’ve made yourself a home in my heart…
your fingertips have grazed every part of my body…
caused immense pleasure…
entered me…
pulsed within me…
caused violent explosions…
there you are…
inside me…
penetrating me…
all of me…
fucking me…
completely…
all of the places that need to be fucked…
i love how… you make love…
to all of my senses…
i breathe you in…
and you smell like…
the sweetest blooming flower…
lover i taste you…
and you taste like…
the most succulent ripe fruit… drizzled in honey…
darling i feel you…
and you feel like…
the warmth of coming home…
on the coldest winters night…
baby i hear you…
and you sound like…
an old nostalgic tune…
that takes you to that place… you wish you could stay forever…
my love i see you…
and you are…
possibly the most beautiful thing…
the universe has ever placed before me…
there you are…
all over me…
so deep inside me…
loving me…
feeding me…
devouring me…
there you are…
right where you belong…
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March 3, 2011

this can only be called “GGRRR”

Sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks… trying not to let my co-workers see me in this state. The pain resonating throughout my body right now has sent me into a paralyzing mental state. I am sad… in every sense of the word. I don’t want this sickness. I don’t want this body. I don’t want this to be my life.

My right shoulder is throbbing and begging for me to stretch it beyond the point that it can be stretched. It never feels satisfied. The constant attempts to twist and contort it leave me feeling sore and drained. My back feels tight and tense. My muscles feel like they are gripping my every bone, constricting them.

 The stress is palpable.

My frustration is growing.

And my ability to ignore it is dwindling.

I am plain fucking tired.

They say FM can be onset by a traumatizing dramatic event. Trying to pinpoint that would be like trying to find a grain of salt in a bucket of sand. IMPOSSIBLE. But I remember the pain even as a child. Funny how what you are used to becomes what is “normal” to you. Stress and tension have always been a part of my life. At some point, it just became okay to live that way. It is no longer okay, because it is affecting my well-being.

 Been thinking about my past a lot lately. I am finding that I am still a little bitter. Unfortunately as children we have no choice of what life we are born into. I always felt like this leaf just blowing in the shit-storm hurricane winds of the fucked up lives of my parents. He died and she read dozens of “HOW TO HEAL THYSELF” books, and moved on from that life. I am still suffering, physically and mentally. Nice.

Anyway, the point of this here post is that fibromyalgia fucking sucks, and I fucking hate it, and there is no fucking end in sight to this shit. The end.

March 2, 2011

to BE…

Wow. I am thirty-three.  I am not sure when that happened exactly.  Thinking back this morning, I realize how far I have come.  I have OVERcome so much in my life, and I have managed to remain kind, caring, affectionate, loving, compassionate and SANE.  I remember being in my 20’s and thinking that I knew it all… that I had all the answers.  I realize now, I knew NOTHING.  I see those younger than me speaking with such conviction about what they KNOW… and all I can do is smile.  They will learn… it’s not my place to tell them that nothing is as it seems.  I’m sure in my 40’s I will realize that even what I think I know NOW is not completely accurate.  That’s because growth is continuous.  I welcome it.  I’m actually hoping that there is so much more to life than what I know at this very moment. 

I hope that even with all of life’s overwhelming times… that I will always be able to appreciate the important things.  The things that truly make me happy.  Having someone to share my life with… nature… family… friends… laughing… and learning.

I realize that I rush through so much of my life.  Time always seems like it’s against me, fighting me.  I have become angry and bitter with time.  But I know it’s me.  I need to simplify.  Take inventory. De-clutter. It is the only way that I will be able to maximize my time.  Truth is, time is infinite and endless… we live by the clock… 24 hours at a time… we bind ourselves to the hours we have in the day… overdoing and overloading ourselves.  I can’t do it anymore.  It is killing me. 

As you get older, and time seems more scarce, you develop a different kind of appreciation for it.  You have more respect for it.  I want to take time to eat, to write, to meditate, to think positive thoughts, to indulge in things that are pleasing to my senses… to kiss… and savor the things that enrich my soul… to nourish my body and my mind.  I want to nurture meaningful relationships and let go of ones that don’t serve me.

Today I have made a promise to myself to LIVE more.  To take my time, to learn to say NO, to pay attention to my words, my actions, to breathe more, to love deeper, to BE.