Archive for ‘abuse’

November 8, 2010

want it…give it.

Meditating on treating others as you wish to be treated…

it seems simple enough… you want respect, you give it.  you want love, you give it.   you want consideration, compassion, kindness…you GIVE IT.

i witnessed lots of violence and unhealthy behavior in my childhood…and almost never got the treatment i so hungered for.  so i definitely don’t think it is something that is necessarily taught… or maybe it is… inadvertently. 

my hunger for love and affection was always the reason why i gave it so freely… i always yearned for the same treatment in return… more often than not… i was disappointed… my kindness was often abused and taken for granted…

today i am just as giving… and treat people in the manner in which i wish to be treated… i just don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of…

it is still my hunger that fuels me…and i still find myself disappointed at the lack of reciprocation… but today i am able to understand that not everyone has been able to take their past and their pain and use it in a constructive way…

some people have been abused…some people have been starved of love and affection… and as a result they have allowed themselves to become hardened… cold… ruthless …callous … and even worse…  they have a sense of entitlement … they demand a level of respect and consideration that they themselves do not give…

i have had to learn that it is NOT me.  it is NOT that i am NOT worthy of all that i give… sometimes i just give it to people who are not ready to receive…

June 8, 2009

I will never forget

your hands tight around my neck

my eyes wide with fear

looking into yours

and seeing evil

your grip getting stronger

my head swelling

the blood vessels around my eyes

POPPING

me clawing at your hands

wanting so badly to scream

and beg

my mouth open

tiny squeaks escaping

everything is going dim

as i stare into your eyes

trying to speak to you

with my helplessness

your face stern

unaffected

by my silent pleas

for mercy

i cant breathe

i’m panicking

i’m choking

you’re killing me

everything that seemed so big

seems so small now

i’m so weak now

cant see you clearly anymore

cant fight anymore

i’m mouthing “please”

in one last effort

thinking these are the hands

of my protector

we created life together

you’re taking mine

so sad

i had to be rescued

by my  baby girl

sad

that i couldnt swallow

for one week

the bruises were visible

for two

the scars are forever though

i can forgive

i have forgiven

but i will never forget.