Archive for ‘Confusion’

June 3, 2009

feeling the need…

to ramble and release.  feeling overwhelmed and lonely.  feeling lost and frazzled.  from conception it feels as though i have been “dealing” with something or other.  never at peace.  as a child it was dealing with my father beating my mother.  with his alcoholism.  with his drug abuse. with his lies and promises. and finally his death. with us being broke. being evicted. with knowing too much when i was too little to “deal.”  with my mothers depression. and coldness. with my own.  my abusive boyfriend. being a parent at 14. and then again at 15. his mental and physical abuse for 12yrs. the financial struggles of being a teen parent. now the financial trouble of being a parent to teens. with no support from the dead beat.  my son leaving me to live with his dad. getting him back.  dealing with his behavioral and academic issues.  just add it up. dont forget the bills. the dogs. the job. the fibromyalgia. toxic relationships. the fake smile to greet those who arent TRULY concerned with my reality.  Fine..I’m just fine i say.   i’m not fine.  im cracking. im losing. i am forgetting to breathe. to pray. to count my blessings. thank you almighty for my job. for shelter. for clothing. for food. for the ability to provide. for my sanity. for my strength. for your strength. for the energy to cope.  for my mother.  hard to look to the sky when you’re watching your every step…trying not to fall.  trying to keep focused on the road. need to be prepared for the upcoming stress.  there arent warning signs that read: WARNING: Stress 5 miles ahead.  My thoughts are like bumper-to-bumper-traffic…never ending.  my head feels full. and my heart feels heavy.

a hand rests on my shoulder…

reminding me to…

breathe…

breathe…

breathe…

May 8, 2009

speechless

today

i thought too much

and you said too little

not even sure

what the fuck you’re thinking

what is this we’ve created

this undefined

pool of nothingness

empty words

and false embraces

tilted smiles

and dead end chases

leading us back to where we are

where we never belonged

May 7, 2009

Here I am…

Naked

Cold

Alone…

Walking…

Searching…

Dirty…

Tired…

Stumbling…

Hungry…

Alone…

Crying…

Thirsty…

 On bloody knees

Screaming

Help me please.

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April 25, 2009

If love is…

If  love is blind
Then why can I see
And If  love
Takes your breath away
Then why can I breathe
The distance between us
Is too much
But if  love makes
The heart grow fonder
Maybe we aren’t far enough
Or are we too far
Why does love
Have to dull
Your senses
Make you blind
And breathless
So weak in the knees
That you can hardly speak
Love does many things
And love is many things
But is this love?