Archive for ‘Deadbeat’

March 31, 2011

empty stomach, full brain.

I always struggle with how much of what is on my mind I should reveal on here.  This blog has served as my safe place on many lonely nights, but sometimes I post just to vent at the risk of sounding like I am whining.  I don’t want to be perceived that way.  A whiner.

Things are extremely hectic right now.  My brain is going constantly, every waking moment.  It’s particularly exhausting.  I know I’m a survivor, but I’m fucking tired.  I feel like the last one in the race carrying a bag of bricks  cinder blocks.  OVER IT!

I am on day 2 of this cleanse and my brain feels extra incapable of handling my rigorous obsessive compulsive thinking. 

My daughter is what keeps me going, her needs… the things she deserves.  I can’t fail.  I can’t stop.  I can’t throw my hands up and say FUCK IT!  I can’t.  She needs me.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I completely and totally losing my mind simply trying to keep it all together.

I am trying to maintain an acceptable level of sanity (what’s acceptable is debatable in NY).  Finances are one of those things though… they can really fuck with you mentally.  And they are.  Fucking with me.

I wonder if it would be bad to put some vodka in this Master Cleanse shit.

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February 3, 2011

the last fuck you.

so yesterday was an interesting day… a weasel… weaseled her way into my home… without permission… using keys that were no longer hers to use… assuming no one would be home… finding my daughter coming out of the shower… offering lies of me giving her permission to be there… to retrieve the last of her things… to avoid having to pay for outstanding living expenses…

it was her last slap in the face to me… her last FUCK YOU VANESSA… her last of biting the hand that fed and housed her… it was the LAST.

its okay though… I am making peace with it… the good person that I am had everything in one place… freshly washed… waiting for an even exchange of things to take place…

The audacity of her to come into my home… without my knowledge or consent… to roam through my rooms… into MY bedroom… and through MY drawers… what a violation… but am I really shocked at her actions… no… she had shown me her potentially trifling ways many times… it’s my fault really… I chose to see the good and ignore the bad… I chose to believe that I was not being taken advantage of… but there was always one thing I could count on… her being consistently inconsistent…

But I am noticing a new pattern… #she… was there for me yet again yesterday… she has this way… of offering herself… her support… its perfect… and makes me feel a sense of security… that I havent felt before… I am always holding myself together… because I know if I fall… there’s never anyone there to catch me… and that feels different now…

July 1, 2009

Ode to a Deadbeat

I don’t want to feel hate
But I feel it
I don’t want to want your money
But I need it
Withholding funds from your children
Trying to hurt me
But you are hurting them
Any dumb mutha fucka could see
Eight years of school
Because LAW was your decision
So tell me
Why are you a broke ass nigga
Working for Cablevision
You’re like a waste
A waste of damn skin
Your mere existence
Is truly a sin
You fucked
But now you don’t want to pay
Funny thing is
You still fucking me every which way
You wanna act like father of the year
Showing the kids off to your friends
But haven’t you heard
No ticky no laundry
This is where it ends
She’ll leave you in a few years
When she’s tired of the beatings and the lies
And you’ll be all alone
With no one to hear your big man cries
Then you’ll have two women
And four children
Coming at you with precision
Hopefully by then you’ll be
A bum ass manager
Working at Cablevision