Archive for ‘Distractions’

March 30, 2011

Day 1 of the Master Cleanse…

So today I am starting the Master Cleanse…. I have made my first 32oz portion.¬† It tastes pretty yummy and so far so good…but it’s a little early to be celebrating! ūüôā¬†

I am sitting here thinking of how many other areas of my life need a good cleansing. 

With the exception of my love life… everything else seems to be a mess.

I am going to try doing morning meditations and positive affirmations… I need to take control of my life… right now it just feels like I am on this train speeding nowhere with no breaks.¬†

I am hoping to incorporate a spiritual element to this cleanse…

I need something empowering and motivational to read… or maybe I will just write… and purge…

Feeling hopeful about the process.

March 2, 2011

to BE…

Wow. I am thirty-three.¬† I am not sure when that happened exactly.¬† Thinking back this morning, I realize how far I have come.¬† I have OVERcome so much in my life, and I have managed to remain kind, caring, affectionate, loving, compassionate and SANE.¬† I remember being in my 20’s and thinking that I knew it all… that I had all the answers.¬† I realize now, I knew NOTHING.¬† I see those younger than me speaking with such conviction about what they KNOW… and all I can do is smile.¬† They will learn… it’s not my place to tell them that¬†nothing is as it seems.¬† I’m sure in my 40’s I will realize that even what I think I know NOW is not completely accurate.¬† That’s because growth is continuous.¬† I welcome it.¬† I’m actually hoping that there is so much more to life than what I know at this very moment.¬†

I hope that even with all of life’s overwhelming times… that I will always be able to appreciate the important things.¬† The things that truly make me happy.¬† Having someone to share my life with… nature… family… friends… laughing… and learning.

I realize that I rush through so much of my life.¬† Time always seems like it’s against me, fighting me.¬† I have become angry and bitter with time.¬† But¬†I know it’s me.¬† I need to simplify.¬† Take inventory. De-clutter. It is the only way that I will be able to maximize my time.¬† Truth is, time is infinite and endless… we live by the clock… 24 hours at a time… we bind ourselves to the hours we have in the day… overdoing and overloading ourselves.¬† I can’t do it anymore.¬† It is killing me.¬†

As you get older, and time seems more scarce, you develop a different kind of appreciation for it.¬† You have more respect for it.¬† I want to take time to eat, to write, to meditate, to think positive thoughts, to indulge in things that are pleasing to my senses… to kiss… and savor the things that enrich my soul… to nourish my body and my mind.¬†¬†I want to nurture meaningful relationships and let go of ones that don’t serve me.

Today I have made a promise to myself to LIVE more.  To take my time, to learn to say NO, to pay attention to my words, my actions, to breathe more, to love deeper, to BE.

September 4, 2010

and so…

thought reading other blogs would offer me some inspiration. it didn’t.

so instead of something super creative… if you should decide to read further… you will learn of all the non-writing things i have been engaged in.

as of thursday morning, i no longer have use of my right foot.¬† i woke up… my foot was terribly asleep. i can only describe my leg as a wet noodle.¬† i attempted to walk on said wet noodle… and my foot…which was also napping… gave way… twisted and made a loud POP. i am now hobbling on crutches.

prior to becoming the hobbler. it has pretty much been work and daily life.  I have however been having amazing sex. i will write about it in the near future when my words come back to me.

my daughter is applying to colleges…keeps asking me questions which require me to go digging through papers for answers… i just came across the lil hospital undershirt she was wearing right after i gave birth to her compliments of Lutheran Medical Center… I cried immediately at the sight of it.¬† i cry every time i think of her leaving me… and each time it hits me… omg … its over… shes an adult… the time quite literally flew by… my heart becomes heavy with regret…things i wish i had done differently… things i wish i could have given her that i couldnt. and its too late now. ugh. ok enough because i’m tearing up.

i met the most amazing man in the world (relax he’s gay) and he has quickly become one of my favorite people.¬†

and that is pretty much it in a nutshell…

movie night with mi amor…

‚̧

June 2, 2010

all a blur..

Funny how age just creeps up on you.. how time catches up.. how quickly the years fly by.. time is merciless.. it doesn’t care that you’ve been beaten up.. that you’re tired.. that you just need a second to catch your breath.. it just keeps moving right along.. it doesn’t glance back to see if you’re ok.. it moves forward with this kind of ‘tough love’ .. father time is whispering.. “come on baby..just get up..keep moving..you can do it..” but so often we are too busy beating ourselves up to hear.. our inner voice is too loud.. telling us that we have failed.. that we can’t do it.. and in that time.. a window of opportunity has passed.. we’ve lost precious moments.. minutes.. hours.. days.. weeks.. months.. years..¬† that can never be recovered..¬†they’re gone forever.. we say there’ll be more time.. but as we are busy planning all the things that we will accomplish at a later date.. yet to be determined.. it’s another day.. another week.. another month.. another year.. lost.. and it’s all a blur..

June 2, 2010

over under.

overextended

under-appreciated

overworked

underpaid

being so selfless

has me feeling self-less

over this

and

over that

has me feeling

under the weather

overstated some shit

underestimated some other shit

feeling run over

and taken under

over thinking

and under-living

so over

being under

December 22, 2009

trying…

trying not to remember…
the things you make impossible to forget…
the way it feels when your lips touch mine…
the shrills you cause each time your hands…
make their way between my thighs…
the way you grip my neck…
as your fingers plunge deep inside me…
the gushing of wetness…
as my body responds to your every move…
the exquisitely painful bruises you leave behind…
a constant reminder…
of the insane eruptions…
one after another…
the uncontrollable moaning…
that has me sounding like…
a one woman orchestra…
with you as the conductor…
knowing just how…
to pull each note out of me…
and finally our moist limp bodies…
intertwined…
and drifting off into a deep slumber…
waking hours later…
to devilish smiles…
and playful laughter
air tight spooning…
and talk of breakfast…
trying so hard not to remember…
the things you make impossible to forget…

September 4, 2009

i didnt forget you daddy.

his day was a week ago.  i tried to let it pass quietly.  but i have been feeling the tug.  the need to write about him.  i want him to know that i still remember him.  that his loss will forever be felt.  we lose people, we mourn them, but over time, it gets easier.  we think of them a little less as the years go by.  its only natural. life goes on.

its been seventeen years, and it hasn’t gotten easier.¬† at times it seems as if it has become more painful.¬† every time i see a father reading to his little girl.¬† or a daughter and father walking hand in hand.¬† a teary eyed dad walking his baby down the isle. it breaks me.

i was watching intervention and saw a family destroyed by alcoholism.  i saw a man near death.  i saw him get the help he needed.  i saw a family united and witnessed a happy ending.

im so jealous of that.  i wanted that so badly.

they say you have to let them hit rock bottom.¬† apparently for my father, that bottom was pretty low.¬† and on the way there… death caught up with him.¬† his painful journey to that final day was difficult to witness.¬† even as a child i remember wanting to help him.¬† wanting to assume the parent role and show him that we could be happy, as a family.¬† i¬†can still see the glazed look in his eyes…¬†seemed as if he were looking right through me.

i miss him.

i’ve had more years without him, than i had with him.

i dont go to his grave often.¬† i think in the seventeen years he’s been gone, i have been there maybe three times.¬† i think maybe i will go there and lay a blanket on his grave and just be with him.¬† although i know thats not him anymore.¬†¬† its tangible.

Daddy, I wish you hadn’t left me so soon.¬† I wish I could have seen your heart healed.¬† I wish my children knew your laugh.¬† You would have been an awesome grandfather. My heart still feels heavy.¬† I still feel the pain I felt on that day.¬† I won’t ever forget how carelessly it was told to me.¬† I wish I could wake up, and this would all be a dream.¬† Though I know I would just be waking up to the nightmare that was your life.¬† I hated that we left you in that apartment alone, but you left us little choice.¬† I remember when you tried to get better.¬† You came to church with us every Sunday and you walked around with a Bible, preaching to your friends.¬† You were better for a short while.¬† But the pain and reality of having lost your family.¬† Having to reside in that house¬† that was once filled with my voice and moms voice.¬† The scent of home cooking filling it.¬† The TV blaring my favorite shows.¬† My best friend… and she still is Dad, 28yrs now… she’d be there acting a fool…the dog barking… I know the quietness was torturous.¬† You relapsed for the last time.¬† And you died alone… and I hate that.¬† I hate that I didn’t see you one last time.¬† I hate that you died thinking that I didn’t love you… and that you had failed me.¬† I hate it.¬† I am so sorry for not coming to see you that last weekend.¬† That decision still haunts me.¬† I forgive you for everything.¬† I don’t want time to steal you from me.¬† I don’t want my memories to be come vague.¬† They are all I have left. Our good times were good.¬† We were robbed Daddy, you and I.¬† We weren’t done.¬† Not anywhere near it.¬† A part of me didn’t grow anymore after you left me.¬† The little girl that still needed her Daddy is snuggled close to you in that grave…she died with you.

July 27, 2009

A part of me.

You lean in and whisper
That you can’t live without me
My body aches
Sore from the relentless torture
That is you
The years before you were too short
I sob as I remind myself
I will never know a life without you
You are a part of me now
As much as my curls
And my beauty marks
You smile devilishly as it sinks in
As I get it
You take me in your arms
And every part of me stings
My eyes flood with tears
Unable to control them
They stream unto my cheeks
And I surrender
I embrace you limply
Helpless
Knowing that I have no choice
But to accept you as
A part of me
fibroImage courtesy of  Samantha Kira

What Are the Symptoms of Fibromyalgia?

Symptoms of fibromyalgia include:

  • Chronic muscle pain, muscle spasms or tightness, and leg cramps
  • Moderate or severe fatigue and decreased energy
  • Insomnia or waking up feeling just as tired as when you went to sleep
  • Stiffness upon waking or after staying in one position for too long
  • Difficulty remembering, concentrating, and performing simple mental tasks
  • Abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, and constipation alternating with diarrhea (irritable bowel syndrome)
  • Tension or migraine headaches
  • Jaw and facial tenderness
  • Sensitivity to one or more of the following: odors, noise, bright lights, medications, certain foods, and cold
  • Feeling anxious or depressed
  • Numbness or tingling in the face, arms, hands, legs, or feet
  • Increase in urinary urgency or frequency (irritable bladder)
  • Reduced tolerance for exercise and muscle pain after exercise
  • A feeling of swelling (without actual swelling) in the hands and feet
  • Painful menstrual periods
  • Dizziness

Learn More about Fibromyalgia

June 3, 2009

feeling the need…

to ramble and release.¬† feeling overwhelmed and lonely.¬† feeling lost and frazzled.¬† from conception it feels as though i have been “dealing” with something or other.¬† never at peace.¬† as a child it was dealing with my father beating my mother.¬† with his alcoholism.¬† with his drug abuse. with his lies and promises. and finally his death. with us being broke. being evicted. with knowing too much when i was too little to “deal.”¬† with my mothers depression. and coldness. with my own.¬† my abusive boyfriend. being a parent at 14. and then again at 15. his mental and physical abuse for 12yrs. the financial struggles of being a teen parent. now the financial trouble of being a parent to teens. with no support from the dead beat.¬† my son leaving me to live with his dad. getting him back.¬† dealing with his behavioral and academic issues.¬† just add it up. dont forget the bills. the dogs. the job. the fibromyalgia. toxic relationships. the fake smile to greet those who arent TRULY concerned with my reality.¬† Fine..I’m just fine i say.¬†¬† i’m not fine.¬† im cracking. im losing. i am forgetting to breathe. to pray. to count my blessings. thank you almighty for my job. for shelter. for clothing. for food. for the ability to provide. for my sanity. for my strength. for your strength. for the energy to cope.¬† for my mother.¬† hard to look to the sky when you’re watching your every step…trying not to fall.¬† trying to keep focused on the road. need to be prepared for the upcoming stress.¬† there arent warning signs that read: WARNING: Stress 5 miles ahead.¬† My thoughts are like bumper-to-bumper-traffic…never ending.¬† my head feels full. and my heart feels heavy.

a hand rests on my shoulder…

reminding me to…

breathe…

breathe…

breathe…

May 29, 2009

I fucking wish…

i wish you were here daddy
i wish you had fought harder
your urges, your disease, your anger
i wish you read me stories
and came to all my plays
i looked for you in the audience daddy
but you were never there
i wish i wasnt scared of you daddy
and i wish you smiled more
i wish i could hear your voice
and you could hold my hand
i wish you saw the hope in my eyes
and i wish you saw it die daddy
each time you relapsed
i only wished it’d make you better
or at least make you want to be
i wish i never wished you dead
because none of the insurmountable wishes I’ve wished
could ever bring you back
i wish you hadnt died alone daddy
and i wish my heart didnt ache anymore
i wish there was someone or something
that could fill this void
i wish daddy, i fuckin wish
i just wish you were here
so i could tell you I dont give a fuck about all these wishes
i just wish i was wrapped in the safety of your arms
i’d cry and tell you how many nights i lied awake wishing for only this
i wish you could hold your 31 yr old baby like the first day
she cried her first cry
i wish daddy, i fucking wish