Archive for ‘Freewriting’

December 28, 2010

Bitter-sweet…

As I approach the end of this year… I realize that nothing is as I thought it would be… The story line changed… the cast is different… and I can only hope that things are just as they should be…I pray that I haven’t made some crazy decision that has sent my life spiraling out of control…I feel at peace for some reason… even in the midst of this shitstorm…Even the blizzard of 2010 has been seemingly unable to put a damper on my state of mind…I can see my past…as I put one foot in front of the other… I am doing so with the utmost faith…Faith that good things lie ahead… I know that I am worthy… Life hasn’t always been kind… and at times I have been down right cruel to myself…It’s my time… I want to fall in love…with myself…with life.. with someone…I want to fall asleep at night …content…happy…feeling blessed and thankful…whether I am alone…Or wrapped in the warmth of loves embrace…I am kissing 2010 goodbye with bitter-sweet tears in my eyes…I have made wonderful memories…I fell in love… and that love came to an abrupt end…A very dear friend passed… I made a friendship that I KNOW will last forever…met someone amazing…find myself financially crippled…but having my kids, my mom & my health is priceless… *sigh* it has been a roller coaster ride of a year…I try to take the good with the bad… Because through all my struggles and pain… I have learned one very simple lesson…Life goes on…

“After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot” — Sarah Jessica Parker

Farewell 2010 *besos*

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November 9, 2010

Are you a good friend to yourself?

If you had a friend that spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend.

When I saw this question, I immediately thought of how hard I can be on myself at times.  The things I repeat over and over in my head to myself.  How I always seem to focus on my shortcomings, my failures, my flaws and my mistakes.

I tried to imagine a friend speaking to me, berating me, bashing me and verbally abusing me… just as I do to myself.  I also imagined me punching that person in the mouth.  Why would I subject myself to such abuse FROM MYSELF?

I started to really explore how damaging my thoughts really are.  I wondered about all of things I have talked myself out of…the different ways I have held myself back.  Why do I spend so much time acknowledging my’ have-nots’ instead of celebrating my ‘haves’ … why do I always put the spotlight on my failures instead of celebrating my successes and daily accomplishments? 

I am going to sign an emotional contract with myself. 

I promise to only uplift myself.

I promise to only inspire and encourage myself.

I promise to celebrate myself daily…

My survival…

My courageous spirit…

My heart…

My successes…no matter how small…

I promise to LOVE myself better…

In my previous post… I wrote about treating others as you wish to be treated…

It just hit me…

I have to treat MYSELF the way I wish to be treated…

Because ultimately…

Who will treat me any better than I treat myself?

January 11, 2010

fearless

i am never afraid to fall in love.  there is always the possibility of getting hurt.  but my heart remains open to the possibility that it wont.  my willingness to love has been seen as foolish.  but these were the eyes of narrow minds.  my love is fearless.  i can love you with all that i am. you might take the part of me i give you and crush it.  but i will love myself whole again.  just as i was before you came.  my love cant be TAKEN for granted.  my love is a GIFT.  and what i give you is forever yours to do what you wish.  i will ALWAYS be ready for love.  and my love is FEARLESS.

August 26, 2009

moments.

Thirty-two years ago today is when I took my first breath.  Thirty-two years… Thirty-two years…  As I repeat it to myself,  the enormity of it is clear to me.

16,773,120 minutes.  I rushed through so many of them.  My mind will never recall most of them.  And every sixty seconds, that number grows.   I have wished for so many moments to fly, so that I could be closer to some other time.  Some other occurrence that was more important than the moment that I was in.  Truth is, as each moment passes, what we are closer to the unknown.  This life, this day, this very moment is all we truly have.

I was sitting at my desk yesterday while a woman a block away from me took her last breath.  Hit by a car as she stood waiting for the bus.  That was it.  That moment was her last.  She might have been planning dinner in her head, or thinking about an upcoming vacation.  But sadly, those moments were not in the cards for her.  Those moments will happen without her.

So much of my life is a blur.  Of course the big things stand out in my mind, the special times, unforgettable times…good and bad, but all the moments I spent planning other moments, those took up the most time.

I am truly blessed to have the honor of celebrating another year of LIFE.  I would like to make a commitment to myself to focus on my goals this year…but still appreciating all the precious moments till I get there.  I want to take more photos, and journal more. I want to remember more of the moments that are my life.

Much may be done in those little shreds and patches of time which every day produces, and which most men throw away. ~Charles Caleb Colton

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. ~C. S. Lewis

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. ~Carl Sandburg

Some of my moments this year…


June 3, 2009

feeling the need…

to ramble and release.  feeling overwhelmed and lonely.  feeling lost and frazzled.  from conception it feels as though i have been “dealing” with something or other.  never at peace.  as a child it was dealing with my father beating my mother.  with his alcoholism.  with his drug abuse. with his lies and promises. and finally his death. with us being broke. being evicted. with knowing too much when i was too little to “deal.”  with my mothers depression. and coldness. with my own.  my abusive boyfriend. being a parent at 14. and then again at 15. his mental and physical abuse for 12yrs. the financial struggles of being a teen parent. now the financial trouble of being a parent to teens. with no support from the dead beat.  my son leaving me to live with his dad. getting him back.  dealing with his behavioral and academic issues.  just add it up. dont forget the bills. the dogs. the job. the fibromyalgia. toxic relationships. the fake smile to greet those who arent TRULY concerned with my reality.  Fine..I’m just fine i say.   i’m not fine.  im cracking. im losing. i am forgetting to breathe. to pray. to count my blessings. thank you almighty for my job. for shelter. for clothing. for food. for the ability to provide. for my sanity. for my strength. for your strength. for the energy to cope.  for my mother.  hard to look to the sky when you’re watching your every step…trying not to fall.  trying to keep focused on the road. need to be prepared for the upcoming stress.  there arent warning signs that read: WARNING: Stress 5 miles ahead.  My thoughts are like bumper-to-bumper-traffic…never ending.  my head feels full. and my heart feels heavy.

a hand rests on my shoulder…

reminding me to…

breathe…

breathe…

breathe…

May 11, 2009

temptation.

at my desk.  thinking of you.  wanting to find out.  those things you do. my legs crossed. and squeezing tight. attempting to forget.  with all my might. i feel myself moisten.  as i read your words. i rock my waist just a lil. mmm maybe just a lil more. you wont stop. i dont want you to. keep going. i need to cum. right here at my desk. can they see what im doing. is it bad that i dont care.  i know i cant have you.  and its driving me crazy.  i wonder if you know.  just how tempting you are.  i wonder if you could imagine.  me here at my desk.  rocking my waist. pressing my clit down.  thinkin you should be behind me.  me over my desk. face down. ass up.  telling me how bad i’ve been.  me calling your name. telling you to. do what you like. or i can drop to my knees. beg you. to use my face as you please. lay me on the bed. my hands tied above my head. cover my eyes. take my panties. and gag my mouth. watch me squirm. as you tease my body. damn im so tempted to take it there.  but i know i cant have you.  right now.

May 9, 2009

for @djbluelight

my reality

just doesnt seem fair

look to my right

and my left

aint no woman there

to help guide me through

each passing day

supportive

knows just what to say

and understsands

just what i need

a beautiful pair

of watchful eyes

to make sure

 i dont burn

my curly fries

=)

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May 8, 2009

speechless

today

i thought too much

and you said too little

not even sure

what the fuck you’re thinking

what is this we’ve created

this undefined

pool of nothingness

empty words

and false embraces

tilted smiles

and dead end chases

leading us back to where we are

where we never belonged

May 7, 2009

I have since…

forgotten the feeling of exploring hands.  yearning to learn my body.  fingertips gliding up my thighs causing shrills of anticipation to resonate at the base of my spine.  the weakening tingles creeping to my core.  the warmth between my legs.  the breathy pleas for mercy.  hands grabbing for something, anything that will enable me to withstand the torture.  opening wide.  giving you room to play.  your tongue freedom to roam. your fingers the invitation to enter.  the ecstasy.  the trickling juices that you wont allow to hit the sheets.  your face delving deeper as my hips thrust forward.  the warmth that ignites in my stomach as my clit dances to the beat of your tongue.  the implosion that causes the warmth to gush from within me.  as you continue the rhythmic pulsating movements that require skill.  i try, but i can’t stop myself and my body begins to tremble as the volcanic hot juices escape from within me.  you suckle and nurse on my clit.  i am bucking, but you are clung to me like a pro bull rider.  i explode and bury your face between my thighs.  I release into you.  and you take me in.  i let out the unmistakable cries of orgasmic pleasure.  you slow your pace as  my body limps in exhaustion.  you look at me pleased with the result of your efforts.  literally drained.  you lick your lips as i trace them with my thumb…

where are you…

i need to remember…

April 11, 2009

You

Not sure what it is with you

Or what it’s ever been

Why you make me feel this way

Or why I think of you

Is it the same for you

Do you think of me too

Do I inspire words

Of confusion

Or thoughts

Of  first encounters

I imagine you’d make me bashful

And I’d look to the floor

Hoping you didn’t catch

The look in my eyes

That says

Please

Just kiss me already