Archive for ‘Goals’

April 12, 2011

passion…

Trying to tap into
the wealth of passion
that once flowed within me
that once allowed me
to see beyond
what I could see
that once sparked dreams
that were so big
not even I
could shoot them down
passion that defied all doubt
all logic
that passion…
it’s still in me somewhere
I feel it.
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February 3, 2011

Motivation.

I just read something that both motivated me and made me feel like shit, simultaneously. I really need to get my shit together and WRITE. I love writing just to write…but I need to really WRITE…with being published as my main focus.¬† Blogging and sharing my insane life with the world is fun…but umm… yeah…not much else is going to come from revealing my craziness on this here blog.

Lord knows I have enough to pull from to write an interesting read. ūüôā

June 2, 2010

all a blur..

Funny how age just creeps up on you.. how time catches up.. how quickly the years fly by.. time is merciless.. it doesn’t care that you’ve been beaten up.. that you’re tired.. that you just need a second to catch your breath.. it just keeps moving right along.. it doesn’t glance back to see if you’re ok.. it moves forward with this kind of ‘tough love’ .. father time is whispering.. “come on baby..just get up..keep moving..you can do it..” but so often we are too busy beating ourselves up to hear.. our inner voice is too loud.. telling us that we have failed.. that we can’t do it.. and in that time.. a window of opportunity has passed.. we’ve lost precious moments.. minutes.. hours.. days.. weeks.. months.. years..¬† that can never be recovered..¬†they’re gone forever.. we say there’ll be more time.. but as we are busy planning all the things that we will accomplish at a later date.. yet to be determined.. it’s another day.. another week.. another month.. another year.. lost.. and it’s all a blur..

October 30, 2009

desires.

Sometimes

Your hearts desires

ignite

raging fires

that cannot

be extinguished

with logic

March 14, 2009

Life happens

Life doesn’t stop because you’ve set your eyes on the prize.¬† There are and always will be obstacles.¬† I have to learn new ways to take care of ALL the things that require my attention while still working toward my goals.¬†

Last night I got a phone call from my son who lives with his dad.¬† He asked if I could come get him in the morning because he didn’t want to be there anymore.¬† Of course, I went in to mom mode.¬† I could hear the desperation in his voice, so I immediately started asking questions.¬† I told him he was scaring me.¬† He said his dad had some issues with his report card.¬† Before I go on I should mention that his father has a history of domestic violence and his parenting skills leave a lot to be desired.¬† Why did I allow my son to live with him you ask?¬† Well, when he was 11 he told me that he wanted to go live with his dad.¬† I think he was really yearning to have the relationship that all boys long to have with their fathers.¬† I couldn’t deny him the opportunity and risk having him resent me later, never knowing what could have been.¬† But in my heart, I knew he was going to be disappointed.¬†

My son has always struggled in school.  He is a very intelligent boy, and although he was never diagnosed, we have suspected that he may have ADHD.  Growing up my son was unfortunately subject to the type of mentality that believes boys need to be tough, not show emotion, etc.  He was disciplined frequently, and as a result has a short fuse and suppressed emotions that surface as rage. On the other hand however, he is one of the sweetest boys you will ever meet. 

So when his dad confronted him in a very aggressive manner about my¬†his report card, it quickly escalated to a physical altercation.¬† My son was put in a headlock, tight enough to restrict his breathing.¬† He was punched on his body and face and sent to his room.¬† All of his electronic toys were confiscated and he had to ask permission to leave his room even to use the bathroom.¬† Somewhere in the midst of this of this altercation, my son punch holes, two I believe, in the walls.¬† I am not condoning that he did this.¬† I am also not happy about the fact that he received an unsatisfactory grade on his report card.¬† But this type of physical discipline does not rectify anything.¬† I went to retrieve my son and some of his belongings this morning.¬† He seems relieved to be with me.¬† I explained to him that I don’t want him to think that being with me is going to be an easy ride.¬† I don’t want him to want to be with me because he feels that he will be able to get over on me.¬† He said that he understood.¬† Time will tell.¬† My son requires¬† lots of time and attention, unlike my daughter who I joke, is like a self cleaning oven.

I am surprised that I haven’t received an irate phone call from his father yet, since¬†I took my son from his home while his dad was at work.¬† Things are too calm right now.¬† I haven’t allowed myself to completely feel at ease, because I know his dad all too well, and he is not one to give up control of a situation easily, or without a fight.¬†

I am happy to have him home with me.  Very happy.  But with this new transition comes lots of change.  I live in Brooklyn, his school is in Long Island, and I do not have a car.  Right now we are in an overpriced 2 bedroom apartment, and will need to start looking for an even more overpriced 3 bedroom apartment.  I am making myself feel a little sick just thinking about it.  But of course as a mom, you do what is necessary.  You make it work anyway you can.

I won’t stop writing.¬† I am going to be releasing my thoughts and pouring my emotions into this blog.¬† If I don’t, there is a chance I will need psychiatric help.

March 12, 2009

For love or money?

Writing for love or money?¬† Well, I will attempt to address this delicately…show me the mutha-fucking money…please.

I have been writing for pleasure for years…poetry, short stories, long stories, blah blah blah.¬† My main goal right now is to really delve into this whole writing thing head first.¬† I don’t want to spend my life being a blogger.¬† I like blogging, but I want my audience to be larger.¬† I want millions of eyeballs to read my words.¬† I want to make people smile, I want to make them cry (nasty liquidy booger cries), but most importantly I want to keep them entertained.¬† I’m sorry, am I boring you?¬† Well just humor me anyway.¬† I guess the purpose of this blog is to really just get me writing.¬† Because writers write, right?¬† That is what I keep reading… just write, just write, just write…even if it’s just mumbo jumbo.

Ultimately I want to be published, but I don’t want to rush and slap some half-ass story together.¬† I want to practice and perfect my writing while simultaneously thinking of a story that will be sure to hit the best seller list.¬† It’s possible.¬† I know it takes time, but damn it I could have written ten bestsellers already with all time I have been spending doing a whole lot of nothing.

The first thing I am going to tackle is my problem with procrastination.¬† Maybe I will start tackling it next week…I joke haha.¬† Seriously, procrastinating has affected many areas of my life so I really need to discipline myself.¬† I am sure this is going to benefit in me in many ways.¬† I will most likely be writing about that as well.

Muy Importante things I need to focus on:

  • Writing daily
  • Going to the gym 4x per week
  • Cutting junk & soda from my diet

Wish me luck eh.

March 11, 2009

Determined.

There won’t be any shiny glittery posts here.¬† I am seriously dedicating this blog to developing my craft.¬† I have purchased many journals and many overpriced pens.¬† I cannot tell you where they are, but I can tell you that the pages are blank and the pens were probably stolen.¬† So I am hoping that my desire to write and my addiction to the internet will be a happy marriage.¬† I am equipped with all of the writing books that I have purchased over the years.¬† I¬†have scraped the sticky dusty goo off them, and they are good as new!¬† I admire those who have taken their passion, nurtured it, and turned¬†it into something bigger than they could have ever dreamed of.¬† And I even have the sob story to go with my success story!¬† Can’t let it all be in vain.

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