Archive for ‘how'd this happen’

March 31, 2011

empty stomach, full brain.

I always struggle with how much of what is on my mind I should reveal on here.  This blog has served as my safe place on many lonely nights, but sometimes I post just to vent at the risk of sounding like I am whining.  I don’t want to be perceived that way.  A whiner.

Things are extremely hectic right now.  My brain is going constantly, every waking moment.  It’s particularly exhausting.  I know I’m a survivor, but I’m fucking tired.  I feel like the last one in the race carrying a bag of bricks  cinder blocks.  OVER IT!

I am on day 2 of this cleanse and my brain feels extra incapable of handling my rigorous obsessive compulsive thinking. 

My daughter is what keeps me going, her needs… the things she deserves.  I can’t fail.  I can’t stop.  I can’t throw my hands up and say FUCK IT!  I can’t.  She needs me.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I completely and totally losing my mind simply trying to keep it all together.

I am trying to maintain an acceptable level of sanity (what’s acceptable is debatable in NY).  Finances are one of those things though… they can really fuck with you mentally.  And they are.  Fucking with me.

I wonder if it would be bad to put some vodka in this Master Cleanse shit.

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February 14, 2011

the funny thing about never…

the people you thought would never leave your side…
are gone…
the love you never could have imagined…
exists…
the times you never thought you’d get through…
were survived…
the things you thought you’d never be able to laugh at…
are finally funny…
the people you never thought would let you down…
have…
the mistakes you promised yourself you’d never make…
were made…
the tears you never thought you’d cause…
were cried…
and the tears you promised you’d never cry…
streamed down your cheeks…
the ties you swore you’d never cut…
were snipped…
the lies you promised you’d never tell…
were told…
the people you said you’d never forgive…
were forgiven…
and the things you never thought were possible…
have happened…
 
…that’s the funny thing about never…
it’s never certain…
February 3, 2011

Today…

is just one of those days. the world seems heavier. and my shoulders feel weaker. the walls seems closer. and my breaths seem shorter. the air seems thicker. and this space feels smaller. the light seems dimmer. and my fake smile seems faker.

it’s just one of those days.

*I wrote this four months ago and posted on my tumblr…but today feels like this too… *sigh*

February 2, 2011

at that moment…

Yesterday was one of those days… my daughter received her first college acceptance letter… I was beyond happy… but my heart sunk and I fell to pieces… at that moment… it hit me… it became real… she’s not my little girl anymore… there isn’t any more time to do all the things I wanted to do with her… she’s all grown up and the time just feels like it slipped through my fingers… times that I wished would fly by… did… and the times I wish I could have held onto forever… flew right along with them… seems so unfair… she has made me so proud… she has exceeded what I hoped for her when she was a baby… I feel proud that I had a lil something to do with that… but it’s going to be so hard to watch her go off on her own… as I put the key in my door last night… with my face a mess… my mascara stained cheeks… my eyes still oozing with guilt ridden tears… I realized that one day very soon… she won’t be there when I get home… I won’t see her messy room… her things scattered about… I won’t have dishes to yell at her about… and we wont decide on dinner together… and wow… that hurt me to my core… I am going to miss her very much… I know she is going to have the time of her life… and I am going to be her number one supporter always… I’m just really going to miss my little girl…

…and then…

…part two of my night…

unexpectedly… #she walked through my door… to be my support… with my much desired beer in tow… and her face… at that moment… it touched me to my core… it was at that moment that I realized I had gained someone very special in my life… it was at that moment… I fell more in love with her… her smile… the way she looked at me… her gesture… it all simultaneously melted my heart… while at the very same time… made me feel stronger… safer… wrapping my hands around her waist while watching TV… my face nuzzled in her neck… I couldn’t have asked for anything more at that moment… it was all that I needed… she was all that I needed… and she gave herself to me selflessly… and with each passing moment… until we parted ways this morning… she captured more of my heart… became more a part of my soul… and rescued me… in just the way I needed to be rescued.. at that moment… ❤

January 6, 2011

crushing…

I don’t know why
You came to me
But it’s one of those questions
I don’t much care to answer
You’re here
And you feel magical
You’ve pulled the rabbit from the hat
liberated her
Freed her
I wonder if
You even know
How beautiful You are
I want to love You
Crazy I know
I ask myself how…
But it’s one of those questions
I don’t much care to answer
I don’t question
The sunrise
Or the sunset
And to me
You feel just as natural
Like morning dew
And summer rain
Sweet as candy apples
And sugar cane
I’m so happy
You came to me
I don’t know why
And I don’t much care
To know
The answer ❤

November 9, 2010

Are you a good friend to yourself?

If you had a friend that spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend.

When I saw this question, I immediately thought of how hard I can be on myself at times.  The things I repeat over and over in my head to myself.  How I always seem to focus on my shortcomings, my failures, my flaws and my mistakes.

I tried to imagine a friend speaking to me, berating me, bashing me and verbally abusing me… just as I do to myself.  I also imagined me punching that person in the mouth.  Why would I subject myself to such abuse FROM MYSELF?

I started to really explore how damaging my thoughts really are.  I wondered about all of things I have talked myself out of…the different ways I have held myself back.  Why do I spend so much time acknowledging my’ have-nots’ instead of celebrating my ‘haves’ … why do I always put the spotlight on my failures instead of celebrating my successes and daily accomplishments? 

I am going to sign an emotional contract with myself. 

I promise to only uplift myself.

I promise to only inspire and encourage myself.

I promise to celebrate myself daily…

My survival…

My courageous spirit…

My heart…

My successes…no matter how small…

I promise to LOVE myself better…

In my previous post… I wrote about treating others as you wish to be treated…

It just hit me…

I have to treat MYSELF the way I wish to be treated…

Because ultimately…

Who will treat me any better than I treat myself?

September 14, 2010

Slipping Through My Fingers…

I came across this song by Abba while helping a friend search for a Mother/Daughter sweet 16 song.  By the time I finished reading the lyrics, I was at my desk sitting in a puddle of my own tears.  It just reminded me of how quickly time flies.  My daughter just turned 17 and will be in college this time next year.

There were so many things I wanted to do… we just never did get around to those things… and now my baby girl is all grown up.  It sickens me how fast the years went by…how they quite literally slipped through my fingers.  Next year… as I watch her walk away from me a young woman… headed on her own journey… I am going to sob like a baby… letting her go will by far be one of the most difficult things I can ever imagine doing.

*sigh*

Here are the lyrics…

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that Im losing her forever
And without really entering her world
Im glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when shes gone theres that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I cant deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didnt
And why I just dont know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers…

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile…

Ugh… 😦

June 2, 2010

all a blur..

Funny how age just creeps up on you.. how time catches up.. how quickly the years fly by.. time is merciless.. it doesn’t care that you’ve been beaten up.. that you’re tired.. that you just need a second to catch your breath.. it just keeps moving right along.. it doesn’t glance back to see if you’re ok.. it moves forward with this kind of ‘tough love’ .. father time is whispering.. “come on baby..just get up..keep moving..you can do it..” but so often we are too busy beating ourselves up to hear.. our inner voice is too loud.. telling us that we have failed.. that we can’t do it.. and in that time.. a window of opportunity has passed.. we’ve lost precious moments.. minutes.. hours.. days.. weeks.. months.. years..  that can never be recovered.. they’re gone forever.. we say there’ll be more time.. but as we are busy planning all the things that we will accomplish at a later date.. yet to be determined.. it’s another day.. another week.. another month.. another year.. lost.. and it’s all a blur..

June 2, 2010

over under.

overextended

under-appreciated

overworked

underpaid

being so selfless

has me feeling self-less

over this

and

over that

has me feeling

under the weather

overstated some shit

underestimated some other shit

feeling run over

and taken under

over thinking

and under-living

so over

being under

January 28, 2010

*floating*

I’m gliding…
my love is guiding…
me to a place…
I wasn’t ready for…
I’m fighting it…
with all my might and it…
feels so good…
baby I’m falling…
you came without warning…
I’m fighting…
But I’m losing the battle…
my mind is drenched…
and my body is soaking…
I’m losing control…
Cos baby I’m *floating*