Archive for ‘Procrastination’

March 2, 2011

to BE…

Wow. I am thirty-three.  I am not sure when that happened exactly.  Thinking back this morning, I realize how far I have come.  I have OVERcome so much in my life, and I have managed to remain kind, caring, affectionate, loving, compassionate and SANE.  I remember being in my 20’s and thinking that I knew it all… that I had all the answers.  I realize now, I knew NOTHING.  I see those younger than me speaking with such conviction about what they KNOW… and all I can do is smile.  They will learn… it’s not my place to tell them that nothing is as it seems.  I’m sure in my 40’s I will realize that even what I think I know NOW is not completely accurate.  That’s because growth is continuous.  I welcome it.  I’m actually hoping that there is so much more to life than what I know at this very moment. 

I hope that even with all of life’s overwhelming times… that I will always be able to appreciate the important things.  The things that truly make me happy.  Having someone to share my life with… nature… family… friends… laughing… and learning.

I realize that I rush through so much of my life.  Time always seems like it’s against me, fighting me.  I have become angry and bitter with time.  But I know it’s me.  I need to simplify.  Take inventory. De-clutter. It is the only way that I will be able to maximize my time.  Truth is, time is infinite and endless… we live by the clock… 24 hours at a time… we bind ourselves to the hours we have in the day… overdoing and overloading ourselves.  I can’t do it anymore.  It is killing me. 

As you get older, and time seems more scarce, you develop a different kind of appreciation for it.  You have more respect for it.  I want to take time to eat, to write, to meditate, to think positive thoughts, to indulge in things that are pleasing to my senses… to kiss… and savor the things that enrich my soul… to nourish my body and my mind.  I want to nurture meaningful relationships and let go of ones that don’t serve me.

Today I have made a promise to myself to LIVE more.  To take my time, to learn to say NO, to pay attention to my words, my actions, to breathe more, to love deeper, to BE.

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February 3, 2011

Motivation.

I just read something that both motivated me and made me feel like shit, simultaneously. I really need to get my shit together and WRITE. I love writing just to write…but I need to really WRITE…with being published as my main focus.  Blogging and sharing my insane life with the world is fun…but umm… yeah…not much else is going to come from revealing my craziness on this here blog.

Lord knows I have enough to pull from to write an interesting read. 🙂

September 14, 2010

Slipping Through My Fingers…

I came across this song by Abba while helping a friend search for a Mother/Daughter sweet 16 song.  By the time I finished reading the lyrics, I was at my desk sitting in a puddle of my own tears.  It just reminded me of how quickly time flies.  My daughter just turned 17 and will be in college this time next year.

There were so many things I wanted to do… we just never did get around to those things… and now my baby girl is all grown up.  It sickens me how fast the years went by…how they quite literally slipped through my fingers.  Next year… as I watch her walk away from me a young woman… headed on her own journey… I am going to sob like a baby… letting her go will by far be one of the most difficult things I can ever imagine doing.

*sigh*

Here are the lyrics…

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that Im losing her forever
And without really entering her world
Im glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when shes gone theres that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I cant deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didnt
And why I just dont know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers…

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile…

Ugh… 😦

June 2, 2010

all a blur..

Funny how age just creeps up on you.. how time catches up.. how quickly the years fly by.. time is merciless.. it doesn’t care that you’ve been beaten up.. that you’re tired.. that you just need a second to catch your breath.. it just keeps moving right along.. it doesn’t glance back to see if you’re ok.. it moves forward with this kind of ‘tough love’ .. father time is whispering.. “come on baby..just get up..keep moving..you can do it..” but so often we are too busy beating ourselves up to hear.. our inner voice is too loud.. telling us that we have failed.. that we can’t do it.. and in that time.. a window of opportunity has passed.. we’ve lost precious moments.. minutes.. hours.. days.. weeks.. months.. years..  that can never be recovered.. they’re gone forever.. we say there’ll be more time.. but as we are busy planning all the things that we will accomplish at a later date.. yet to be determined.. it’s another day.. another week.. another month.. another year.. lost.. and it’s all a blur..

June 2, 2010

over under.

overextended

under-appreciated

overworked

underpaid

being so selfless

has me feeling self-less

over this

and

over that

has me feeling

under the weather

overstated some shit

underestimated some other shit

feeling run over

and taken under

over thinking

and under-living

so over

being under

August 18, 2009

the person you once knew.

I’m coming home to you
As the person you once knew
Things have happened
Changed us
You and me
But I still feel you
There
In the tender spots
That still resemble us
I wonder if you see my fight
The endless struggle
The uphill battle
That has kept me from you
The person you once knew
Almost unrecognizable
But I still feel you
Deep
In the places where you originated
In the places that make my smile pure
And my laughter real
I’m coming home to you
As the me you once knew
This walk home has been the longest
But I imagine you there waiting for me
The person you once knew
As I walk up the stairs
My insides feel tight
I can feel the closeness of you
Just moments of way
From standing before you
The person you once knew
I knock on the door
And hold my head down
Feeling the shame of being gone for so long
I can see the knob turning
And the door open slow…
I pick my head up to see your face…
My face…
The person I once was
Meeting the person you once knew
You take me in your arms
And instantly
The other me evaporates
And all that’s left of me
Is you
The person you once knew.
April 8, 2009

What have you been doing with your writing?

Someone asked me this question today, and I had no answer.  I said something about wanting to take some workshops, and needing inspiration.  BULL!  I just haven’t been doing anything.  I mean, in my defense, I am so extremely exhausted.  By the time I get home from the gym, walk the dogs, cook dinner, clean up and fuss with the kids to do what they need to do… I am done!  I wouldn’t be able to put two sentences together.  As a matter of fact, it is 12:28am as I am writing this.  Horrible!  So I will attempt to make more time once again, because every time that questions is asked, I feel like crap.

March 12, 2009

For love or money?

Writing for love or money?  Well, I will attempt to address this delicately…show me the mutha-fucking money…please.

I have been writing for pleasure for years…poetry, short stories, long stories, blah blah blah.  My main goal right now is to really delve into this whole writing thing head first.  I don’t want to spend my life being a blogger.  I like blogging, but I want my audience to be larger.  I want millions of eyeballs to read my words.  I want to make people smile, I want to make them cry (nasty liquidy booger cries), but most importantly I want to keep them entertained.  I’m sorry, am I boring you?  Well just humor me anyway.  I guess the purpose of this blog is to really just get me writing.  Because writers write, right?  That is what I keep reading… just write, just write, just write…even if it’s just mumbo jumbo.

Ultimately I want to be published, but I don’t want to rush and slap some half-ass story together.  I want to practice and perfect my writing while simultaneously thinking of a story that will be sure to hit the best seller list.  It’s possible.  I know it takes time, but damn it I could have written ten bestsellers already with all time I have been spending doing a whole lot of nothing.

The first thing I am going to tackle is my problem with procrastination.  Maybe I will start tackling it next week…I joke haha.  Seriously, procrastinating has affected many areas of my life so I really need to discipline myself.  I am sure this is going to benefit in me in many ways.  I will most likely be writing about that as well.

Muy Importante things I need to focus on:

  • Writing daily
  • Going to the gym 4x per week
  • Cutting junk & soda from my diet

Wish me luck eh.