Archive for ‘RAMBLING’

March 31, 2011

empty stomach, full brain.

I always struggle with how much of what is on my mind I should reveal on here.  This blog has served as my safe place on many lonely nights, but sometimes I post just to vent at the risk of sounding like I am whining.  I don’t want to be perceived that way.  A whiner.

Things are extremely hectic right now.  My brain is going constantly, every waking moment.  It’s particularly exhausting.  I know I’m a survivor, but I’m fucking tired.  I feel like the last one in the race carrying a bag of bricks  cinder blocks.  OVER IT!

I am on day 2 of this cleanse and my brain feels extra incapable of handling my rigorous obsessive compulsive thinking. 

My daughter is what keeps me going, her needs… the things she deserves.  I can’t fail.  I can’t stop.  I can’t throw my hands up and say FUCK IT!  I can’t.  She needs me.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I completely and totally losing my mind simply trying to keep it all together.

I am trying to maintain an acceptable level of sanity (what’s acceptable is debatable in NY).  Finances are one of those things though… they can really fuck with you mentally.  And they are.  Fucking with me.

I wonder if it would be bad to put some vodka in this Master Cleanse shit.

March 30, 2011

Day 1 of the Master Cleanse…

So today I am starting the Master Cleanse…. I have made my first 32oz portion.  It tastes pretty yummy and so far so good…but it’s a little early to be celebrating! 🙂 

I am sitting here thinking of how many other areas of my life need a good cleansing. 

With the exception of my love life… everything else seems to be a mess.

I am going to try doing morning meditations and positive affirmations… I need to take control of my life… right now it just feels like I am on this train speeding nowhere with no breaks. 

I am hoping to incorporate a spiritual element to this cleanse…

I need something empowering and motivational to read… or maybe I will just write… and purge…

Feeling hopeful about the process.

February 10, 2011

My Rocky…

Thinking about how certain people complement each other, while others, simply do not.  We all have issues, insecurities, things that enrage us, sensitivities that run deep…  and sometimes, unintentionally, people play on our “stuff” … and our reactions in turn, play on their “stuff”… and there you have a big fkn dysfunctional cycle of messiness leading to an inevitable break up.

So anyway, I’m sitting here thinking about HER, and how amazing getting to know her has been.  How we seem to complement each other so well.  How we communicate.  How she seems to bring out only the best in me, and vice versa. Yeah it’s still new.  BUT!  We have had some of the most in depth talks, delved deep into our pasts and our relationships, our issues, our insecurities, the things that enrage us, the things that spark our inner dickhead/cunt to emerge… and I have to say… I am not worried.

You have to be aware…be mindful… of how you speak, your body language, your words… you can’t always point the finger and say, “wow, __________ was really a shit head to me.”   Yes, everyone must own their actions. BUT! Were YOUR actions confrontational, combative….were your words unkind….were you being EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT??  Were you so busy pointing the finger that you forgot to take a long hard look in the mirror? I have been guilty of this… but after some thought, I concluded, we were just NO good for each other.  My issues and her issues, equaled disaster.

I have what I like to call “Vanessa STFU” moments.  They are moments where, I’m thoroughly irritated or upset, and have the instant urge to speak on it.  Then I say to myself “VANESSA STFU.”  At that moment, nothing positive was going to come out of my mouth.  Whatever point or legitimate grievance I felt the need to express at that moment would not have been expressed properly and would go unheard.  It might even send the recipient of my profound message into DEFENSE MODE…which would in turn make my need to be heard more intense…therefore my voice louder… and her MORE on the defense… and there goes NOTHING!  My point is sometimes… lots of times… you might just need to STFU.

Getting back to her… damn… I have never in my life felt like such a princess, felt so safe, felt so secure… I have never been so ready to take a leap of faith… and know with all my heart… that I would be leaping into the arms of the greatest love I could ever hope or pray for.  We laugh harder than I can ever recall laughing with another.  We kiss for hours, and cuddling with her feels like our bodies were meant to be intertwined….her embrace feels like that puzzle piece you have been searching for, and finally find… that feeling that you get when you put it in place, and it fits perfectly… my heart feels that kind of long awaited satisfaction.   Being made love to feels like what can only be described as LOVE.  I feel it pulsing through every vein… I feel it filling my heart… I feel it massaging my mind… healing old hurts… renewing my faith… I feel it with every fiber of my being. 

Every kind gesture, thoughtful word, adoring glance, tender touch, warm embrace, passionate kiss… is treasured… cherished… I want her to know… that I will NEVER take her for granted… I promise to always show my appreciation… to always uplift her… and show her that I have the utmost faith in HER… in US. 

She will have 100% of my trust…and 200% of my LOVE… and I feel confident that I will have hers…

I want to be her lady… her Adrian… she has already been my Rock[y]. ❤

February 8, 2011

Fireworks

So, someone found it necessary today to question the time that it took for me to fall in love.  I should probably say… that I am still falling, every day.  So, are we questioning when I began to fall?  Well then yes, it was probably pretty quick.  What can I say?  She is breathtakingly gorgeous.  She is kind, thoughtful, generous, chivalrous, intelligent, driven, goofy…and so many other things that I would have to dedicate another post just to describe her adequately.  I feel so honored and blessed to have her in my life.  In our short time together, she has shown me things that others could not during an entire relationship.  And yes, I love her.  I love her very much.  And what makes it so wonderful, is that she appreciates all of my expressions of love… and she is just so easy to love. 

I think often we are convinced that loving takes CONSTANT WORK, that it takes CONSTANT tweaking, and requires a CONSTANT effort just to keep it going… when love is like a job that leaves you feeling exhausted and drained, I am now convinced, that isn’t love at all.

Sometimes love is so effortless, so comforting, so incredibly nurturing… that it is impossible NOT to fall, because you feel so safe in doing so.  And I do.  Feel safe.

I feel completely at peace in the way I left my previous relationship.  I was honest, loyal and 100% faithful. 

I NEVER NEED someone to make me happy. To fulfill me.  I am a naturally happy person.  I know who I am.  I am an “old bitch.”  I don’t need time to FIND myself. I am not filling any voids, or searching aimlessly for a love to complete me.  The fact is, as stated in another post, my love is a gift.  You do with it what you will.  I will always BE READY for love if and when it presents itself to me.  And I will never run from love because of “timing” issues.  Who is to say when the right time for love is?  This love is RIGHT ON TIME. 

I am IN LOVE… and it feels healthy and wonderful.  I have no regrets.  I am not looking in my relationship rear view mirror questioning should haves and could haves.  I am confident that everything is exactly as it should be.

Anyway, who needs a flashlight when you have fireworks?

February 4, 2011

i cant wait!

Well well well… its friday again!  I am going to see my “toes” aka my best friend Marissa, who i miss very much.  completely disgusted with this weather… and not looking forward to the commute…but its been way too long since i have seen her, so I AM GOING! 

I find myself daydreaming about warmer temperatures and all the things i cant wait to do…

I absolutely cannot wait to have a picnic… and sit by the ocean…to have rooftop BBQs…and walk on the boardwalk…to watch concerts in the park… and kiss under the stars…  to frequent amusement parks… and dine at sidewalk cafes… to scream and canon-ball into a pool… and watch fireworks… to canoe in central park… and roam the city aimlessly… to  ride a NYC tour bus… and read under a willow tree… to  make love to a gentle breeze… and horseback ride on the beach…

back to reality…

its freezing and icy… and disgusting… and i absolutely cannot wait to get to Marissa’s house… to drink a four loko… and act a fool! 🙂

February 3, 2011

the last fuck you.

so yesterday was an interesting day… a weasel… weaseled her way into my home… without permission… using keys that were no longer hers to use… assuming no one would be home… finding my daughter coming out of the shower… offering lies of me giving her permission to be there… to retrieve the last of her things… to avoid having to pay for outstanding living expenses…

it was her last slap in the face to me… her last FUCK YOU VANESSA… her last of biting the hand that fed and housed her… it was the LAST.

its okay though… I am making peace with it… the good person that I am had everything in one place… freshly washed… waiting for an even exchange of things to take place…

The audacity of her to come into my home… without my knowledge or consent… to roam through my rooms… into MY bedroom… and through MY drawers… what a violation… but am I really shocked at her actions… no… she had shown me her potentially trifling ways many times… it’s my fault really… I chose to see the good and ignore the bad… I chose to believe that I was not being taken advantage of… but there was always one thing I could count on… her being consistently inconsistent…

But I am noticing a new pattern… #she… was there for me yet again yesterday… she has this way… of offering herself… her support… its perfect… and makes me feel a sense of security… that I havent felt before… I am always holding myself together… because I know if I fall… there’s never anyone there to catch me… and that feels different now…

December 28, 2010

Bitter-sweet…

As I approach the end of this year… I realize that nothing is as I thought it would be… The story line changed… the cast is different… and I can only hope that things are just as they should be…I pray that I haven’t made some crazy decision that has sent my life spiraling out of control…I feel at peace for some reason… even in the midst of this shitstorm…Even the blizzard of 2010 has been seemingly unable to put a damper on my state of mind…I can see my past…as I put one foot in front of the other… I am doing so with the utmost faith…Faith that good things lie ahead… I know that I am worthy… Life hasn’t always been kind… and at times I have been down right cruel to myself…It’s my time… I want to fall in love…with myself…with life.. with someone…I want to fall asleep at night …content…happy…feeling blessed and thankful…whether I am alone…Or wrapped in the warmth of loves embrace…I am kissing 2010 goodbye with bitter-sweet tears in my eyes…I have made wonderful memories…I fell in love… and that love came to an abrupt end…A very dear friend passed… I made a friendship that I KNOW will last forever…met someone amazing…find myself financially crippled…but having my kids, my mom & my health is priceless… *sigh* it has been a roller coaster ride of a year…I try to take the good with the bad… Because through all my struggles and pain… I have learned one very simple lesson…Life goes on…

“After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot” — Sarah Jessica Parker

Farewell 2010 *besos*

November 9, 2010

Are you a good friend to yourself?

If you had a friend that spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend.

When I saw this question, I immediately thought of how hard I can be on myself at times.  The things I repeat over and over in my head to myself.  How I always seem to focus on my shortcomings, my failures, my flaws and my mistakes.

I tried to imagine a friend speaking to me, berating me, bashing me and verbally abusing me… just as I do to myself.  I also imagined me punching that person in the mouth.  Why would I subject myself to such abuse FROM MYSELF?

I started to really explore how damaging my thoughts really are.  I wondered about all of things I have talked myself out of…the different ways I have held myself back.  Why do I spend so much time acknowledging my’ have-nots’ instead of celebrating my ‘haves’ … why do I always put the spotlight on my failures instead of celebrating my successes and daily accomplishments? 

I am going to sign an emotional contract with myself. 

I promise to only uplift myself.

I promise to only inspire and encourage myself.

I promise to celebrate myself daily…

My survival…

My courageous spirit…

My heart…

My successes…no matter how small…

I promise to LOVE myself better…

In my previous post… I wrote about treating others as you wish to be treated…

It just hit me…

I have to treat MYSELF the way I wish to be treated…

Because ultimately…

Who will treat me any better than I treat myself?

November 8, 2010

want it…give it.

Meditating on treating others as you wish to be treated…

it seems simple enough… you want respect, you give it.  you want love, you give it.   you want consideration, compassion, kindness…you GIVE IT.

i witnessed lots of violence and unhealthy behavior in my childhood…and almost never got the treatment i so hungered for.  so i definitely don’t think it is something that is necessarily taught… or maybe it is… inadvertently. 

my hunger for love and affection was always the reason why i gave it so freely… i always yearned for the same treatment in return… more often than not… i was disappointed… my kindness was often abused and taken for granted…

today i am just as giving… and treat people in the manner in which i wish to be treated… i just don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of…

it is still my hunger that fuels me…and i still find myself disappointed at the lack of reciprocation… but today i am able to understand that not everyone has been able to take their past and their pain and use it in a constructive way…

some people have been abused…some people have been starved of love and affection… and as a result they have allowed themselves to become hardened… cold… ruthless …callous … and even worse…  they have a sense of entitlement … they demand a level of respect and consideration that they themselves do not give…

i have had to learn that it is NOT me.  it is NOT that i am NOT worthy of all that i give… sometimes i just give it to people who are not ready to receive…

November 5, 2010

low.

I havent feel this low
in forever
and i’ve been low
if life is a maze
i am so lost
and if life is a game
it feels like i’m losing
im sinking
damn, this is a new low
i tried to grasp
the other lows
on the way down
but i’m just plummeting
too fast
damn…
i’m so low.