Archive for ‘Regrets’

February 27, 2011

Effortless.

In the past I realize I have made some poor relationship choices.  Unhealthy ones that I knew in my gut were not wise.  Why did I move forward then?  I honestly cannot answer that question, and I have tried.

All of my partners have been so different. I loved them all for the amazing qualities that they each possessed, but with the exception of one, maybe two, I knew that it wasn’t going to be a forever thing.  Subconsciously I guess I was okay with that. 

I guess one of my issues is that I like to see the good in people.  I’m always hopeful that I will be able to overlook certain things, and that the good will outweigh the bad.  In a nutshell, I have settled. 

I have kissed my share of frogs in my journey to find my Miss Charming…

Feels good to not feel like I am settling… to feel that the person I love is all I could have imagined… and then some…

Loving consciously… taking all that I have learned from my many mistakes… and creating the relationship I have always dreamed of… the one I was starting believe was impossible…

It’s still sinking in… not only is it possible… but it’s effortless.

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February 16, 2011

Nineteen years and counting…

Thoughts of my father surfaced recently. I am so frustrated.  How do you settle what can never be settled… find closure with someone you can never speak to again… have one last moment with someone who is gone forever?

It’s going on 19 years soon… but still… a part of me feels like the 14-year-old he left behind… only more tired… less youthful… and the void he left behind… larger and more empty…

Still not sure how to make peace with his death… with all of my unacknowledged feelings… with all of my pain… with my daddy issues… with my never-enough-complex…

I don’t know what I wish… that he were here maybe? Healed hopefully… but more than likely… he’d still be drunk… and high… disappointing me… and feeding my complex… and lord knows… my mother does that enough.  I have never heard her say she was proud of me… never…

I cried myself to sleep two nights ago… torturing myself with thoughts of him… the few good times we had together during his sober moments… he was the apple of my eye then…

I have my own regrets… I guess never imagining that our time would be cut so short… always thinking there would be that later time… hoping that he would get his shit together… and that we’d finally get to have our time… that finally I would have my time… just to be a kid… to be free… to be loved… to be his baby girl… to be number one… to be a priority… to feel safe… and taken care of… to be worry free… to not be second… shit… third even… to his drugs and alcohol…

That time never came… and my heart still feels like it’s waiting…

February 14, 2011

the funny thing about never…

the people you thought would never leave your side…
are gone…
the love you never could have imagined…
exists…
the times you never thought you’d get through…
were survived…
the things you thought you’d never be able to laugh at…
are finally funny…
the people you never thought would let you down…
have…
the mistakes you promised yourself you’d never make…
were made…
the tears you never thought you’d cause…
were cried…
and the tears you promised you’d never cry…
streamed down your cheeks…
the ties you swore you’d never cut…
were snipped…
the lies you promised you’d never tell…
were told…
the people you said you’d never forgive…
were forgiven…
and the things you never thought were possible…
have happened…
 
…that’s the funny thing about never…
it’s never certain…
February 3, 2011

the last fuck you.

so yesterday was an interesting day… a weasel… weaseled her way into my home… without permission… using keys that were no longer hers to use… assuming no one would be home… finding my daughter coming out of the shower… offering lies of me giving her permission to be there… to retrieve the last of her things… to avoid having to pay for outstanding living expenses…

it was her last slap in the face to me… her last FUCK YOU VANESSA… her last of biting the hand that fed and housed her… it was the LAST.

its okay though… I am making peace with it… the good person that I am had everything in one place… freshly washed… waiting for an even exchange of things to take place…

The audacity of her to come into my home… without my knowledge or consent… to roam through my rooms… into MY bedroom… and through MY drawers… what a violation… but am I really shocked at her actions… no… she had shown me her potentially trifling ways many times… it’s my fault really… I chose to see the good and ignore the bad… I chose to believe that I was not being taken advantage of… but there was always one thing I could count on… her being consistently inconsistent…

But I am noticing a new pattern… #she… was there for me yet again yesterday… she has this way… of offering herself… her support… its perfect… and makes me feel a sense of security… that I havent felt before… I am always holding myself together… because I know if I fall… there’s never anyone there to catch me… and that feels different now…

February 2, 2011

at that moment…

Yesterday was one of those days… my daughter received her first college acceptance letter… I was beyond happy… but my heart sunk and I fell to pieces… at that moment… it hit me… it became real… she’s not my little girl anymore… there isn’t any more time to do all the things I wanted to do with her… she’s all grown up and the time just feels like it slipped through my fingers… times that I wished would fly by… did… and the times I wish I could have held onto forever… flew right along with them… seems so unfair… she has made me so proud… she has exceeded what I hoped for her when she was a baby… I feel proud that I had a lil something to do with that… but it’s going to be so hard to watch her go off on her own… as I put the key in my door last night… with my face a mess… my mascara stained cheeks… my eyes still oozing with guilt ridden tears… I realized that one day very soon… she won’t be there when I get home… I won’t see her messy room… her things scattered about… I won’t have dishes to yell at her about… and we wont decide on dinner together… and wow… that hurt me to my core… I am going to miss her very much… I know she is going to have the time of her life… and I am going to be her number one supporter always… I’m just really going to miss my little girl…

…and then…

…part two of my night…

unexpectedly… #she walked through my door… to be my support… with my much desired beer in tow… and her face… at that moment… it touched me to my core… it was at that moment that I realized I had gained someone very special in my life… it was at that moment… I fell more in love with her… her smile… the way she looked at me… her gesture… it all simultaneously melted my heart… while at the very same time… made me feel stronger… safer… wrapping my hands around her waist while watching TV… my face nuzzled in her neck… I couldn’t have asked for anything more at that moment… it was all that I needed… she was all that I needed… and she gave herself to me selflessly… and with each passing moment… until we parted ways this morning… she captured more of my heart… became more a part of my soul… and rescued me… in just the way I needed to be rescued.. at that moment… ❤

November 16, 2010

this day…then.

so many things happened…
on this day, then…
things I wish I could change…
and forget…
you left this world…
and me…
maybe the world didn’t notice…
you slip away…
but I have felt…
the insatiable emptiness…
of your departing…
every minute…
of every day…
you left this world…
and me…
this day, then…
eighteen years ago…
and now you’re in a place…
where your heartaches…
are painless…
and your burdens…
are weightless…
but I’m still here…
in this world…
living without you…
but a part of me hasn’t lived…
since this day, then…
eighteen years ago…
when you left this world…
and me…
RIP Daddy 11.16.1992
November 9, 2010

Are you a good friend to yourself?

If you had a friend that spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend.

When I saw this question, I immediately thought of how hard I can be on myself at times.  The things I repeat over and over in my head to myself.  How I always seem to focus on my shortcomings, my failures, my flaws and my mistakes.

I tried to imagine a friend speaking to me, berating me, bashing me and verbally abusing me… just as I do to myself.  I also imagined me punching that person in the mouth.  Why would I subject myself to such abuse FROM MYSELF?

I started to really explore how damaging my thoughts really are.  I wondered about all of things I have talked myself out of…the different ways I have held myself back.  Why do I spend so much time acknowledging my’ have-nots’ instead of celebrating my ‘haves’ … why do I always put the spotlight on my failures instead of celebrating my successes and daily accomplishments? 

I am going to sign an emotional contract with myself. 

I promise to only uplift myself.

I promise to only inspire and encourage myself.

I promise to celebrate myself daily…

My survival…

My courageous spirit…

My heart…

My successes…no matter how small…

I promise to LOVE myself better…

In my previous post… I wrote about treating others as you wish to be treated…

It just hit me…

I have to treat MYSELF the way I wish to be treated…

Because ultimately…

Who will treat me any better than I treat myself?

November 5, 2010

low.

I havent feel this low
in forever
and i’ve been low
if life is a maze
i am so lost
and if life is a game
it feels like i’m losing
im sinking
damn, this is a new low
i tried to grasp
the other lows
on the way down
but i’m just plummeting
too fast
damn…
i’m so low.
September 14, 2010

Slipping Through My Fingers…

I came across this song by Abba while helping a friend search for a Mother/Daughter sweet 16 song.  By the time I finished reading the lyrics, I was at my desk sitting in a puddle of my own tears.  It just reminded me of how quickly time flies.  My daughter just turned 17 and will be in college this time next year.

There were so many things I wanted to do… we just never did get around to those things… and now my baby girl is all grown up.  It sickens me how fast the years went by…how they quite literally slipped through my fingers.  Next year… as I watch her walk away from me a young woman… headed on her own journey… I am going to sob like a baby… letting her go will by far be one of the most difficult things I can ever imagine doing.

*sigh*

Here are the lyrics…

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that Im losing her forever
And without really entering her world
Im glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when shes gone theres that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I cant deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didnt
And why I just dont know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers…

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile…

Ugh… 😦

September 4, 2010

and so…

thought reading other blogs would offer me some inspiration. it didn’t.

so instead of something super creative… if you should decide to read further… you will learn of all the non-writing things i have been engaged in.

as of thursday morning, i no longer have use of my right foot.  i woke up… my foot was terribly asleep. i can only describe my leg as a wet noodle.  i attempted to walk on said wet noodle… and my foot…which was also napping… gave way… twisted and made a loud POP. i am now hobbling on crutches.

prior to becoming the hobbler. it has pretty much been work and daily life.  I have however been having amazing sex. i will write about it in the near future when my words come back to me.

my daughter is applying to colleges…keeps asking me questions which require me to go digging through papers for answers… i just came across the lil hospital undershirt she was wearing right after i gave birth to her compliments of Lutheran Medical Center… I cried immediately at the sight of it.  i cry every time i think of her leaving me… and each time it hits me… omg … its over… shes an adult… the time quite literally flew by… my heart becomes heavy with regret…things i wish i had done differently… things i wish i could have given her that i couldnt. and its too late now. ugh. ok enough because i’m tearing up.

i met the most amazing man in the world (relax he’s gay) and he has quickly become one of my favorite people. 

and that is pretty much it in a nutshell…

movie night with mi amor…