Archive for ‘relationships’

April 4, 2011

Sweet surrender…

Something in her… 
speaks…
to something in me…
quietly…
softly…
but my soul hears her…
loud and clear…
her touch…
tames me…
invades me…
figuratively…
and literally…
she’s so deep inside me…
she enters me…
through every orifice…
and pierces through parts of me…
seemingly…
impenetrable…
she enters with ease…
and has her way…
I love her way…
I surrender…
give her what she wants…
however she wants it…
as if my body…
has no say in the matter…
as if she has mind control powers…
she takes me…
she owns it…
I give it…
I lose it…
something in her…
has taken over…
something in me…
and I surrender…
 
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March 9, 2011

Thank you…

Yesterday was so difficult for me… putting my beloved Cupcake to rest… but I absolutely cannot let this time pass without expressing my extreme gratitude to my love… for offering me the most amazing support…

She was perfect…

Her silence spoke volumes…

Her touch was profound…

Her eyes conveyed love and understanding…

She spoke very little…

But said so much…

It felt okay to be weak…

And vulnerable…

Because I knew I would be taken care of…

In whatever way I needed…

Yesterday I saw yet another example of the greatness of her love…

She unveiled another part of herself…

And I fell deeper in love…

Thank you my love… for who you are… for all you do… and for loving me so perfectly… ❤

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February 27, 2011

Effortless.

In the past I realize I have made some poor relationship choices.  Unhealthy ones that I knew in my gut were not wise.  Why did I move forward then?  I honestly cannot answer that question, and I have tried.

All of my partners have been so different. I loved them all for the amazing qualities that they each possessed, but with the exception of one, maybe two, I knew that it wasn’t going to be a forever thing.  Subconsciously I guess I was okay with that. 

I guess one of my issues is that I like to see the good in people.  I’m always hopeful that I will be able to overlook certain things, and that the good will outweigh the bad.  In a nutshell, I have settled. 

I have kissed my share of frogs in my journey to find my Miss Charming…

Feels good to not feel like I am settling… to feel that the person I love is all I could have imagined… and then some…

Loving consciously… taking all that I have learned from my many mistakes… and creating the relationship I have always dreamed of… the one I was starting believe was impossible…

It’s still sinking in… not only is it possible… but it’s effortless.

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February 22, 2011

paths…

i have never been a big believer in “fate” or “destiny”

but…

it is blowing my mind how many times i subtly crossed her path…before she ultimately crashed into mine…

i remember being nosy one day and going to her time line to see who she was…realizing she was someone’s girlfriend…

although it didn’t matter much at that time… because i was someone’s girlfriend too…

i remember reading someone’s blog… and seeing her comments… not realizing who she was because there was no photo corresponding with her comment post…but i remember thinking how lovely her words were…

i remember the day someone told me about this girl they were digging…and it was her…

i remember the day i was mentioned in a follow friday… and to my surprise she tweeted that she was now following @_wordy (and a few others)…

i remember our innocent interactions… and for some reason feeling that they would become more significant…

and they did…

our tweets… and DMs… and late night phone calls…

led to our meeting…

and every moment since then… has been effortlessly wonderful…

but all those lil “chance” encounters blow my mind…

what if no #FF… or no “numbers game” … or no dying battery that led to a weekend long DM session… that led to our first telephone conversation… that led to us…

wow… that would have just been tragic…

February 21, 2011

change…

crazy how much can change in a few months.  i was looking over a few of my last journal entries.

11/30/10:  “my soul is bleeding. hungry. wandering aimlessly. sad about how my family has abandoned me. i feel like the outcast my father was.”

at that time, my relationship was also coming to an end.  it was a very weird time. everything felt wrong… and overwhelming.

12/5/10: “missing page was my goodbye letter to her.” (previous page had been torn out)

i couldnt see the light at that time.  but i do believe it’s true… that certain things fall apart… so that other things can come together.

and come together they have. beautifully.

February 17, 2011

take me in…

i wanna get lost in you…
and get lost with you…
i wanna run to you…
just run away with you…
baby, fly to me…
just fly away with me…
i wanna leap where you are…
and take a leap of faith with you…
i would climb a mountain to get to you…
baby, i wanna climb mountains with you…
i would crawl on my hands and knees to be with you…
darling, i wanna crawl so deep into you…
i wanna love you…
love with you…
baby, i wanna pour my love into you…
take me in…
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February 14, 2011

the funny thing about never…

the people you thought would never leave your side…
are gone…
the love you never could have imagined…
exists…
the times you never thought you’d get through…
were survived…
the things you thought you’d never be able to laugh at…
are finally funny…
the people you never thought would let you down…
have…
the mistakes you promised yourself you’d never make…
were made…
the tears you never thought you’d cause…
were cried…
and the tears you promised you’d never cry…
streamed down your cheeks…
the ties you swore you’d never cut…
were snipped…
the lies you promised you’d never tell…
were told…
the people you said you’d never forgive…
were forgiven…
and the things you never thought were possible…
have happened…
 
…that’s the funny thing about never…
it’s never certain…
February 14, 2011

First of many…

This Valentine’s Day was so incredibly special.  I can’t recall one that was filled with so much love…

After spending the entire week making preparations… running around for hours after work… praying and waiting for packages… I was so ready to see her face… for her to walk through the door… and feel just how special she truly is…

And her face… was priceless…  

Candlelight illuminated the room with a soft glow… music accented the mood… her chocolates… gifts…  bubbly… champagne flutes…  cards… all waiting for her… 

Rose pedals tossed on the bed… two dozen balloons floating…their strings hanging playfully throughout the room…

She walked through the door, as I stood behind it… and I could see instantly her shock, her appreciation…her love…

And finally I was able to share with her… what I was so excited about… what I knew would take her breath away…

worn with fishnets, black lace boy-cut panties & stilettos ❤

And it did… as she took it all in… I took her in… more… I looked at her face… and I thought to myself… I always want to make her this happy…

We toasted to us… to more Valentine’s to come… and every part of me believed it…

The exchange and reading of carefully chosen… heartfelt cards… was beautiful…

I watched her open her gifts… and laughed at her gasps and finger snaps…

We cuddled… and kissed… and vocalized our thoughts of love and appreciation for one another…

We indulged in Thai… and in each other…

And drifted off into a sweet slumber…

A passion filled morning followed…

It was perfect…

And the rest of the weekend was as well…

Looking forward to many more days filled with love… ❤

February 10, 2011

My Rocky…

Thinking about how certain people complement each other, while others, simply do not.  We all have issues, insecurities, things that enrage us, sensitivities that run deep…  and sometimes, unintentionally, people play on our “stuff” … and our reactions in turn, play on their “stuff”… and there you have a big fkn dysfunctional cycle of messiness leading to an inevitable break up.

So anyway, I’m sitting here thinking about HER, and how amazing getting to know her has been.  How we seem to complement each other so well.  How we communicate.  How she seems to bring out only the best in me, and vice versa. Yeah it’s still new.  BUT!  We have had some of the most in depth talks, delved deep into our pasts and our relationships, our issues, our insecurities, the things that enrage us, the things that spark our inner dickhead/cunt to emerge… and I have to say… I am not worried.

You have to be aware…be mindful… of how you speak, your body language, your words… you can’t always point the finger and say, “wow, __________ was really a shit head to me.”   Yes, everyone must own their actions. BUT! Were YOUR actions confrontational, combative….were your words unkind….were you being EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT??  Were you so busy pointing the finger that you forgot to take a long hard look in the mirror? I have been guilty of this… but after some thought, I concluded, we were just NO good for each other.  My issues and her issues, equaled disaster.

I have what I like to call “Vanessa STFU” moments.  They are moments where, I’m thoroughly irritated or upset, and have the instant urge to speak on it.  Then I say to myself “VANESSA STFU.”  At that moment, nothing positive was going to come out of my mouth.  Whatever point or legitimate grievance I felt the need to express at that moment would not have been expressed properly and would go unheard.  It might even send the recipient of my profound message into DEFENSE MODE…which would in turn make my need to be heard more intense…therefore my voice louder… and her MORE on the defense… and there goes NOTHING!  My point is sometimes… lots of times… you might just need to STFU.

Getting back to her… damn… I have never in my life felt like such a princess, felt so safe, felt so secure… I have never been so ready to take a leap of faith… and know with all my heart… that I would be leaping into the arms of the greatest love I could ever hope or pray for.  We laugh harder than I can ever recall laughing with another.  We kiss for hours, and cuddling with her feels like our bodies were meant to be intertwined….her embrace feels like that puzzle piece you have been searching for, and finally find… that feeling that you get when you put it in place, and it fits perfectly… my heart feels that kind of long awaited satisfaction.   Being made love to feels like what can only be described as LOVE.  I feel it pulsing through every vein… I feel it filling my heart… I feel it massaging my mind… healing old hurts… renewing my faith… I feel it with every fiber of my being. 

Every kind gesture, thoughtful word, adoring glance, tender touch, warm embrace, passionate kiss… is treasured… cherished… I want her to know… that I will NEVER take her for granted… I promise to always show my appreciation… to always uplift her… and show her that I have the utmost faith in HER… in US. 

She will have 100% of my trust…and 200% of my LOVE… and I feel confident that I will have hers…

I want to be her lady… her Adrian… she has already been my Rock[y]. ❤

February 8, 2011

Fireworks

So, someone found it necessary today to question the time that it took for me to fall in love.  I should probably say… that I am still falling, every day.  So, are we questioning when I began to fall?  Well then yes, it was probably pretty quick.  What can I say?  She is breathtakingly gorgeous.  She is kind, thoughtful, generous, chivalrous, intelligent, driven, goofy…and so many other things that I would have to dedicate another post just to describe her adequately.  I feel so honored and blessed to have her in my life.  In our short time together, she has shown me things that others could not during an entire relationship.  And yes, I love her.  I love her very much.  And what makes it so wonderful, is that she appreciates all of my expressions of love… and she is just so easy to love. 

I think often we are convinced that loving takes CONSTANT WORK, that it takes CONSTANT tweaking, and requires a CONSTANT effort just to keep it going… when love is like a job that leaves you feeling exhausted and drained, I am now convinced, that isn’t love at all.

Sometimes love is so effortless, so comforting, so incredibly nurturing… that it is impossible NOT to fall, because you feel so safe in doing so.  And I do.  Feel safe.

I feel completely at peace in the way I left my previous relationship.  I was honest, loyal and 100% faithful. 

I NEVER NEED someone to make me happy. To fulfill me.  I am a naturally happy person.  I know who I am.  I am an “old bitch.”  I don’t need time to FIND myself. I am not filling any voids, or searching aimlessly for a love to complete me.  The fact is, as stated in another post, my love is a gift.  You do with it what you will.  I will always BE READY for love if and when it presents itself to me.  And I will never run from love because of “timing” issues.  Who is to say when the right time for love is?  This love is RIGHT ON TIME. 

I am IN LOVE… and it feels healthy and wonderful.  I have no regrets.  I am not looking in my relationship rear view mirror questioning should haves and could haves.  I am confident that everything is exactly as it should be.

Anyway, who needs a flashlight when you have fireworks?