Archive for ‘Self sabotage’

March 30, 2011

Day 1 of the Master Cleanse…

So today I am starting the Master Cleanse…. I have made my first 32oz portion.¬† It tastes pretty yummy and so far so good…but it’s a little early to be celebrating! ūüôā¬†

I am sitting here thinking of how many other areas of my life need a good cleansing. 

With the exception of my love life… everything else seems to be a mess.

I am going to try doing morning meditations and positive affirmations… I need to take control of my life… right now it just feels like I am on this train speeding nowhere with no breaks.¬†

I am hoping to incorporate a spiritual element to this cleanse…

I need something empowering and motivational to read… or maybe I will just write… and purge…

Feeling hopeful about the process.

February 14, 2011

the funny thing about never…

the people you thought would never leave your side…
are gone…
the¬†love you never could have imagined…
exists…
the times you never thought you’d get through…
were survived…
the things you thought you’d never be able to laugh at…
are finally funny…
the people you never thought would let you down…
have…
the mistakes you promised yourself you’d never make…
were made…
the tears you never thought you’d cause…
were cried…
and the tears you promised you’d never cry…
streamed down your cheeks…
the ties you swore you’d never cut…
were¬†snipped…
the lies you promised you’d never tell…
were¬†told…
the people you said you’d never forgive…
were forgiven…
and the¬†things you never thought were possible…
have happened…
 
…that’s the funny thing about never…
it’s never certain…
June 2, 2010

all a blur..

Funny how age just creeps up on you.. how time catches up.. how quickly the years fly by.. time is merciless.. it doesn’t care that you’ve been beaten up.. that you’re tired.. that you just need a second to catch your breath.. it just keeps moving right along.. it doesn’t glance back to see if you’re ok.. it moves forward with this kind of ‘tough love’ .. father time is whispering.. “come on baby..just get up..keep moving..you can do it..” but so often we are too busy beating ourselves up to hear.. our inner voice is too loud.. telling us that we have failed.. that we can’t do it.. and in that time.. a window of opportunity has passed.. we’ve lost precious moments.. minutes.. hours.. days.. weeks.. months.. years..¬† that can never be recovered..¬†they’re gone forever.. we say there’ll be more time.. but as we are busy planning all the things that we will accomplish at a later date.. yet to be determined.. it’s another day.. another week.. another month.. another year.. lost.. and it’s all a blur..

June 2, 2010

over under.

overextended

under-appreciated

overworked

underpaid

being so selfless

has me feeling self-less

over this

and

over that

has me feeling

under the weather

overstated some shit

underestimated some other shit

feeling run over

and taken under

over thinking

and under-living

so over

being under

February 16, 2010

Dear Daughter…

I’m sorry this has taken so long.¬† My heart aches as I think of all of the things I did to hurt you.¬† I am so sorry I chose a soul numbing substance over you…over our family. ¬† Sorry I hurt your mother.¬† Sorry I robbed you of your innocence, and allowed you to witness things a child’s eyes should never see.¬† Sorry I stole your youth and forced you into adulthood way before your time.¬† I am so sorry my demons became yours.¬† I’m sorry I put others before you.¬† I am sorry I was too high and drunk to realize how badly you wanted my love and affection.¬† Sorry I pushed you into the arms of men searching for a fathers love.¬† I am sorry. I am so sorry I couldn’t guide you and teach you… love you and father you… nurture you and make you feel secure.¬† I am so very sorry. I’m sorry I left you feeling lost and broken… I am sorry that you are still hurting…that you still long for my love…I’m loving you from heaven… and I’m proud of how you’ve overcome… I see your struggle and your pain and I am sorry I am not there with you.¬† I’m sorry for all the years you suffered in a violent relationship because you didn’t know any different.¬† I am sorry for the wrong paths you chose because I wasn’t there to advise you. ¬† I know my death was senseless and preventable… I am sorry I didn’t hear your cries…your pleading…and begging… for me to stop…for me to choose life…to choose you.¬† I’m so sorry I didn’t choose you.¬† I’m sorry that you won’t ever receive this letter…or get the closure that you want so badly.¬† I am sorry that I never said I was sorry.¬† My dearest sweet daughter…I loved you dearly…and I am so very sorry.

August 18, 2009

the person you once knew.

I’m coming home to you
As the person you once knew
Things have happened
Changed us
You and me
But I still feel you
There
In the tender spots
That still resemble us
I wonder if you see my fight
The endless struggle
The uphill battle
That has kept me from you
The person you once knew
Almost unrecognizable
But I still feel you
Deep
In the places where you originated
In the places that make my smile pure
And my laughter real
I’m coming home to you
As the me you once knew
This walk home has been the longest
But I imagine you there waiting for me
The person you once knew
As I walk up the stairs
My insides feel tight
I can feel the closeness of you
Just moments of way
From standing before you
The person you once knew
I knock on the door
And hold my head down
Feeling the shame of being gone for so long
I can see the knob turning
And the door open slow…
I pick my head up to see your face…
My face…
The person I once was
Meeting the person you once knew
You take me in your arms
And instantly
The other me evaporates
And all that’s left of me
Is you
The person you once knew.
April 8, 2009

What have you been doing with your writing?

Someone asked me this question today, and I had no answer.¬† I said something about wanting to take some workshops,¬†and needing inspiration.¬† BULL!¬† I just haven’t been doing anything.¬† I mean, in my defense, I am¬†so extremely exhausted.¬† By the time I get home from the gym, walk the dogs, cook dinner, clean up and fuss with the kids to¬†do what they¬†need to do… I am done!¬†¬†I¬†wouldn’t be able to put two sentences together.¬† As a matter of¬†fact, it is¬†12:28am as¬†I am writing this.¬† Horrible!¬†¬†So¬†I will attempt to make more time once again, because every time¬†that questions is asked, I feel like crap.

March 11, 2009

The artist within.

I have done everything in my power to silence the writer within me. If I think of her as a separate entity, then she is in there tugging at my heart, begging me to acknowledge her. She is helpless to do anything without my fingers. Imagine if it’s as simple as just allowing the energy bubbling inside of me to flow through my fingers! Instead of allowing the writer within me flourish, I have stifled her, suffocated her, throttled and gagged her. I have smothered her in an attempt to silence her cries for creative freedom. But luckily for me, she is stronger than I am. Her will to succeed is more powerful that my subconscious desire to sabotage myself.