selfish now…

damn i’m feeling so selfish now…

i want what i want…

and i want it now…

i want you in my bed…

wishing you were here right now…

my whole body is aching…

i need to feel you now…

i want you on top of me…

i’m spreading my legs for you now…

but you’re not here…

so im touching myself now…

damn it feels so good…

i think im cummin now…

one day i’m gonna tell you…

all the things i wanna do to you…

but im just feeling…

too selfish now…

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dirty…

not even…

a hot bath…

could wash away…

my filthy thoughts…

insatiable…

its dark

and my eyes are drawn

to the flicker of a candle

the wine has taken away my inhibitions

and my hands begin to wander where i wish yours would

my swollen clit pulses as my fingers slip over and around it

every inch of me is drunk with the idea of you

of your hands

finding all my spots

having their way

my back arches impulsively

at the thought of your weight on me

your body heavy on mine

i’m aching…

my pussy is crying…

each drip

drop

is my pussy

mourning your absence

come to me

watch me

devour myself at the thought of you

then take me

and use me

feet…

legs…

pussy…

stomach…

breast…

arms…

hands…

mouth…

hair…

pull

and probe…

lick

and suck…

finger…

and fuck…

as you wish…

i know you know…

that im not afraid to beg

to say your name…

just the way you like…

to make all the sounds…

that make you bite your lip

and become vulgar

to say the things that

will cause you to thrust your tongue

into my mouth

angrily

and kiss me

as we grab at each other

pushing our bodies closer

pumping harder

whimpering louder…

damn…

i just want you so bad..

im exhausted…

so tired of waiting…

no toy…

no touch that is my own…

can satisfy

the insatiable

desire

i have for you..

maybe…

i might show you my breast

because i’m thinking then maybe

you’d show me yours

i might tell you how i taste

then maybe you’d like to try me

again

and again

i may look at you slyly

invitingly

maybe then you’d come to me

maybe the tension is high

and you’ve had enough

maybe you’d rip

every article from

my trembling body

maybe you’d fling me

onto the bed

while you undress

look at me angrily

biting your lip

maybe i’d part my legs

then maybe you’d hurry

lay your body over mine

take your hand

run it across my

filthy mouth

smear my lipstick

make a mess of me

kiss me like theres been

a thousand nights

of hungering

let me feed you

nourish you

maybe i’d beg you

my naked body

shamelessly

on my knees

maybe you’d make me

earn it

and make me do

smutty things

maybe i’d like it

and it’d only make me wetter

beg you louder

maybe you’d slap my face

and tell me i’m not ready yet

and you’d torture me

a while longer

maybe i’d love it

if you’d do all these things

maybe it’s time we take it there

i’m thinking maybe you want it too

maybe.

funny things, those voids.

voids.  you feel them as if they are quite literally holes.  empty spaces where something should be.  the heart.  the mind. the body.  will instinctively seek to fill voids.  we become hungry when the body needs food.  thirsty when the body needs fluids.  the physical voids are easy to fill. but the mental and emotional voids are the most difficult. when your heart is craving love.  when your body is yearning to be touched.  there isnt a 24hr mini mart with shelves stocked with love and affection.  when you are yearning for the embrace of a father that left you too soon.  that void is forever unfillable.  we sometimes satisfy our voids with fillers. temporary fixes to the deep dark endless voids within us.

i watch myself as if from the outside.  reaching for things.  grasping them as if they are the last.  shoving them into my voids. knowing they are not what my heart. mind. and body need.

i have been putting cooking oil in my tank for some time now. fully aware that my shit will be smoking within a miles distance. but maybe at the end of that mile the real thing will be there waiting for me right?  wrong!  seldom is.   and the void knows when its been filled with some imitation shit.  it’ll spit it right back out, and give you the side eye.

funny things, those voids.

a sexless lie.

never in my life have i been in a more functional dysfunctional relationship.  i have stopped trying to define it.  i can only tell you it is both wonderful and wrong.  it is healthy and toxic.  it is comforting and disturbing.  and the comfort-ability of it all makes me feel uncomfortable.  we’re on we’re off.  we’re hot we’re cold.  we’re just all over the place.

my previous significant relationships were so different.  they made me feel like a lady.  would grab my hand to cross the street.  keep me on the inside of the sidewalk.  take heavy bags from me.  tell me i was sexy.  make me feel safe.  i loved it.  in fem/ag relationships there are these kinds of predetermined roles.  i am completely aware that we are both women… so its not as if i would see my boo struggling with 5 bags and not grab some because i am the fem. lol… i am simply stating the small gestures that made me feel good.

in my previous relationships, sex was never an issue.  we had the same sexual appetite.  they learned my body.  my likes. dislikes. i felt free to be myself sexually.  ok so i cant be the only one who has a sexual alter ego. lol.  kind of like how beyonce turns into sasha fierce.  yeah.  during sex i turn into someone else. i think im a porn star. a sex kitten. ok so thats another post all together.  my point is that sex was never an issue, in a negative way.  my partners have always made me feel like i was sexually desirable.  there was no place or time that was off limits when the mood struck us.  and if you are mine, and i am yours.  i dont mind being a nasty whore for you.  some ppl think its tacky. i guess it might be.  but who the fuck cares?  didnt bother me in the least being eaten out on the hood of my car in the parking lot of the hotel we had just finished fucking in.  still one of my fondest memories.

present girl/time.

im not sure what we are anymore. but we are sexless.  1.5yrs sexless.  now we have been somewhat intimate on two occasions during this period.  but both times were because i initiated it.  DOUBLE U – TEE – EFF?  this has done major damage to my ego.  but this lack of, i dont even know what to call it…doesnt stop in the bed.  we’ll be walking… i’ll be talking…i will look to my side…. and she’ll be across the street.  honestly it is moments like that, that make me feel like i am in the twilight zone.

“do you want me to carry that bag?”  my thing is, why do you have to ask????  just take the damn bag.  take some initiative…some control. FUCK!  im not used to this shit.

Now i should say.

she is an amazing person.  truly my best friend.  i love her.  she is loyal without doubt.  trustworthy without question.  selfless. she gets me.  i dont think i have ever laughed harder with another.  i can be 200% myself.

but there are issues. lots of them.

i’ve only had relations with black women.  well except one… but that was just one night of intense sex… and she was half black.  anyway SHEs my first hispanic girlfriend which offers me something that i havent experienced before.  her family gatherings feel like home to me…like my own family…a mutual appreciation and love for all things latin.  it feels nice.  BUT she is also the first woman who isnt “aggressive.”  i mean she shops in the mens department, but that does not a boi make. and this is a big thing for me.  i love aggressive women.  my last ex was a cop…holy shit…thats all im going to say about her.  some times i would like to be the damsel in distress and be able to have my strong woman come to my rescue. i feel like the boi in this relationship…no no no…this is all WRONG.

more.

She likes when I do this thing.  when I graze her skin with my fingertips.  I do it of my own free will.  At times she will request it.  she likes when I stroke her hair while we watch TV.  Again I do this without having to be asked.  Ummm HELLO I have fucking skin.  A bitch wants to be stroked too.  I don’t want to have to ask.  I want her to want to touch me. Why wont she.  Make love to me. Fuck me.  It is beyond frustrating. and painful to admit.  I don’t want to feel untouchable. unfuckable.

*sigh*

i wanted to see Nights in Rodanthe.  she didnt. so WE didnt.  i didnt see LOTS of movies because they werent her “type” of movie.  OK.  i get it. BUT. you are in a relationship with someone who likes ALL kinds of movies (except some SciFi) so cant you compromise a little? its like the Bodies Exhibit…wasnt my thing…but she wanted to go… i entertained it.  it didnt kill me.  we have lots of differences.  but for every negative, there are two positives.

but.

all that being said.  what the fuck are we? best friends who live together?  an asexual couple?

im lost.  i’ve lost myself in this.

i think shes lost herself too.

so we’re both lost and clinging to something that feels somewhat secure?

it’s a sexless lie.