Archive for ‘Uncategorized’

March 9, 2011

One last everything…

Yesterday my Cupcake took one last breath…

I looked at her one last time…

And gave her one last hug…

She took one last walk…

And went to sleep one last time…

My Cupcake was so much more than one little dog…

She had a heart that seemed to touch everyone…

Her little trot… and her little face…

Her little kisses… and her extreme foot fetish…

I am so going to miss her nuzzling up to my feet…

Whenever they were dangling or exposed…

Her sweet little spirit captured mine…

From the first time my eyes met hers…

And as I write this… I just can’t hold back the tears…

Eleven years reduced to one last everything…

I wish she could have lived forever in perfect health…

She left behind her husband Eddie… who seems lost without her…

Last night I fed only one dog…

And put on only one leash…

For a lonely little walk…

She was missing… and every part of me felt her absence…

When I viewed her lifeless little body…

It hurt me to my core…

Because she was so full of life…

My little Cupcake was gone forever…

My Cups… my good girl…

You will remain in my heart always…

RIP Cupcake 12/25/2000 – 3/8/2011

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March 8, 2011

March 3, 2011

this can only be called “GGRRR”

Sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks… trying not to let my co-workers see me in this state. The pain resonating throughout my body right now has sent me into a paralyzing mental state. I am sad… in every sense of the word. I don’t want this sickness. I don’t want this body. I don’t want this to be my life.

My right shoulder is throbbing and begging for me to stretch it beyond the point that it can be stretched. It never feels satisfied. The constant attempts to twist and contort it leave me feeling sore and drained. My back feels tight and tense. My muscles feel like they are gripping my every bone, constricting them.

 The stress is palpable.

My frustration is growing.

And my ability to ignore it is dwindling.

I am plain fucking tired.

They say FM can be onset by a traumatizing dramatic event. Trying to pinpoint that would be like trying to find a grain of salt in a bucket of sand. IMPOSSIBLE. But I remember the pain even as a child. Funny how what you are used to becomes what is “normal” to you. Stress and tension have always been a part of my life. At some point, it just became okay to live that way. It is no longer okay, because it is affecting my well-being.

 Been thinking about my past a lot lately. I am finding that I am still a little bitter. Unfortunately as children we have no choice of what life we are born into. I always felt like this leaf just blowing in the shit-storm hurricane winds of the fucked up lives of my parents. He died and she read dozens of “HOW TO HEAL THYSELF” books, and moved on from that life. I am still suffering, physically and mentally. Nice.

Anyway, the point of this here post is that fibromyalgia fucking sucks, and I fucking hate it, and there is no fucking end in sight to this shit. The end.

March 2, 2011

to BE…

Wow. I am thirty-three.  I am not sure when that happened exactly.  Thinking back this morning, I realize how far I have come.  I have OVERcome so much in my life, and I have managed to remain kind, caring, affectionate, loving, compassionate and SANE.  I remember being in my 20’s and thinking that I knew it all… that I had all the answers.  I realize now, I knew NOTHING.  I see those younger than me speaking with such conviction about what they KNOW… and all I can do is smile.  They will learn… it’s not my place to tell them that nothing is as it seems.  I’m sure in my 40’s I will realize that even what I think I know NOW is not completely accurate.  That’s because growth is continuous.  I welcome it.  I’m actually hoping that there is so much more to life than what I know at this very moment. 

I hope that even with all of life’s overwhelming times… that I will always be able to appreciate the important things.  The things that truly make me happy.  Having someone to share my life with… nature… family… friends… laughing… and learning.

I realize that I rush through so much of my life.  Time always seems like it’s against me, fighting me.  I have become angry and bitter with time.  But I know it’s me.  I need to simplify.  Take inventory. De-clutter. It is the only way that I will be able to maximize my time.  Truth is, time is infinite and endless… we live by the clock… 24 hours at a time… we bind ourselves to the hours we have in the day… overdoing and overloading ourselves.  I can’t do it anymore.  It is killing me. 

As you get older, and time seems more scarce, you develop a different kind of appreciation for it.  You have more respect for it.  I want to take time to eat, to write, to meditate, to think positive thoughts, to indulge in things that are pleasing to my senses… to kiss… and savor the things that enrich my soul… to nourish my body and my mind.  I want to nurture meaningful relationships and let go of ones that don’t serve me.

Today I have made a promise to myself to LIVE more.  To take my time, to learn to say NO, to pay attention to my words, my actions, to breathe more, to love deeper, to BE.

February 28, 2011

and so…

I realize that some of my insecurities surfaced yesterday… And some unintentionally hurtful words… stung… Gave me a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach… And I just wanted to dig a hole… and crawl in it… I haven’t been good lately… Haven’t been eating the best… Haven’t been consistent in the gym… and have been feeling a little blah about myself… ugh… I have a lot of physical insecurities as most women do… but I am always my own worst critic… I pick myself apart… dissect myself… point out all of my flaws… and they feel begin to feel plentiful…

I was never told that I was beautiful as a child… that’s probably because I wasn’t… I was usually the target of some joke… flat ass… pale skin… lanky body… kinky hair… big forehead… etc… and I think as I got older… although I became more secure with my physical attributes… I have remained sensitive about certain things… more-so when I’m in a funky place emotionally… and of course… my darling dear mother still loves to point out what could use improvement… I think paying me a complement might actually cause her physical pain… or at least it seems that way…

And that’s really all I have to say about that…

Ggrrr…

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February 28, 2011

ugh…

I am so over this… I want to scream today… the burning… and stiffness… the knots… the spasms…. the soreness… it’s non-stop… all of my waking hours… and some of my sleeping ones… I’m disgusted… and discouraged… and sad… I don’t want this…

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February 27, 2011

Effortless.

In the past I realize I have made some poor relationship choices.  Unhealthy ones that I knew in my gut were not wise.  Why did I move forward then?  I honestly cannot answer that question, and I have tried.

All of my partners have been so different. I loved them all for the amazing qualities that they each possessed, but with the exception of one, maybe two, I knew that it wasn’t going to be a forever thing.  Subconsciously I guess I was okay with that. 

I guess one of my issues is that I like to see the good in people.  I’m always hopeful that I will be able to overlook certain things, and that the good will outweigh the bad.  In a nutshell, I have settled. 

I have kissed my share of frogs in my journey to find my Miss Charming…

Feels good to not feel like I am settling… to feel that the person I love is all I could have imagined… and then some…

Loving consciously… taking all that I have learned from my many mistakes… and creating the relationship I have always dreamed of… the one I was starting believe was impossible…

It’s still sinking in… not only is it possible… but it’s effortless.

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February 25, 2011

home…

i can lose myself in her. not in the bad kind of way where you compromise your own being. but in the way that i can totally forget about everything outside of the love i feel.

her face. her smile. her laugh. her touch. her kiss. her gaze. her embrace. her sweet nothings. her toes. her back. her arms. her hands. her neck. her bite. her strength. her voice. her hair. her glasses. her walk. her lines. her taste. her scent. her spirit. her soul. her. just her. i can get so lost in her. and just be. be free. be me.

she feels like a vacation for my soul. an escape for my heart. a weekend getaway for my mind. 

i get so lost in her. 

she feels like home.

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February 22, 2011

paths…

i have never been a big believer in “fate” or “destiny”

but…

it is blowing my mind how many times i subtly crossed her path…before she ultimately crashed into mine…

i remember being nosy one day and going to her time line to see who she was…realizing she was someone’s girlfriend…

although it didn’t matter much at that time… because i was someone’s girlfriend too…

i remember reading someone’s blog… and seeing her comments… not realizing who she was because there was no photo corresponding with her comment post…but i remember thinking how lovely her words were…

i remember the day someone told me about this girl they were digging…and it was her…

i remember the day i was mentioned in a follow friday… and to my surprise she tweeted that she was now following @_wordy (and a few others)…

i remember our innocent interactions… and for some reason feeling that they would become more significant…

and they did…

our tweets… and DMs… and late night phone calls…

led to our meeting…

and every moment since then… has been effortlessly wonderful…

but all those lil “chance” encounters blow my mind…

what if no #FF… or no “numbers game” … or no dying battery that led to a weekend long DM session… that led to our first telephone conversation… that led to us…

wow… that would have just been tragic…

February 21, 2011

change…

crazy how much can change in a few months.  i was looking over a few of my last journal entries.

11/30/10:  “my soul is bleeding. hungry. wandering aimlessly. sad about how my family has abandoned me. i feel like the outcast my father was.”

at that time, my relationship was also coming to an end.  it was a very weird time. everything felt wrong… and overwhelming.

12/5/10: “missing page was my goodbye letter to her.” (previous page had been torn out)

i couldnt see the light at that time.  but i do believe it’s true… that certain things fall apart… so that other things can come together.

and come together they have. beautifully.