Archive for ‘Venting’

January 21, 2011

your best position…

I could say some shit
that would make your mind bleed
Have you hemorrhaging
like a strung out dope fiend
Have your heart racing
Your feet pacing
Your lips flapping
Your hands ghetto clapping
Relax love
You’re no competition
Something is missing
Something god given
Lemme school you
And these other children
Heed
Take a good listen
Shutting the fuck up
Might be your best position
I’m gonna spare you
And your feelings
Cos I couldn’t stand the site of your teary eyed grieving
Lemme give you a prescription
Take two shut the fuck ups
And call me in the morning
I’m sorry love
I’m really listening
So excuse my yawning
But you’re boring
Damn I’m sorry
Let’s bring it back
To where I was somewhat sympathetic
But damn girl
You’re so pathetic
Don’t know what else to say
Please just heed
And listen
Shutting the fuck up
Really might be
Your best
Position

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January 12, 2011

LOVE…

i have been sitting here thinking about LOVE… the emotion that has the ability to take you so very high… and drop you so hard on your ass that you will wish you couldnt feel anything at all…

to LOVE feels wonderful… but most times we LOVE with ulterior motives… because we want to be loved back… because we want to feel the safety and security of LOVE…

The truth is … LOVE doesnt have to happen for a reason… it doesnt require reciprocation…

LOVE  just is…

when people we love die… the LOVE never ends… it is infinite…

when songs we LOVE stop playing… we LOVE and remember them just as fondly…

When perfumes we LOVE discontinue… we can close our eyes and still recall the scent and the LOVE…

when you LOVE someone who doesnt LOVE you back… it is LOVE all the same…

a quote that i LOVE…

If I LOVE you, what business is it of yours? ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

its my heart, and i will LOVE if i wanna…

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December 28, 2010

Bitter-sweet…

As I approach the end of this year… I realize that nothing is as I thought it would be… The story line changed… the cast is different… and I can only hope that things are just as they should be…I pray that I haven’t made some crazy decision that has sent my life spiraling out of control…I feel at peace for some reason… even in the midst of this shitstorm…Even the blizzard of 2010 has been seemingly unable to put a damper on my state of mind…I can see my past…as I put one foot in front of the other… I am doing so with the utmost faith…Faith that good things lie ahead… I know that I am worthy… Life hasn’t always been kind… and at times I have been down right cruel to myself…It’s my time… I want to fall in love…with myself…with life.. with someone…I want to fall asleep at night …content…happy…feeling blessed and thankful…whether I am alone…Or wrapped in the warmth of loves embrace…I am kissing 2010 goodbye with bitter-sweet tears in my eyes…I have made wonderful memories…I fell in love… and that love came to an abrupt end…A very dear friend passed… I made a friendship that I KNOW will last forever…met someone amazing…find myself financially crippled…but having my kids, my mom & my health is priceless… *sigh* it has been a roller coaster ride of a year…I try to take the good with the bad… Because through all my struggles and pain… I have learned one very simple lesson…Life goes on…

“After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot” — Sarah Jessica Parker

Farewell 2010 *besos*

November 12, 2010

abuela.

i actually never called her abuela. only grandma.  her name was Anna Marie Lopez.  and she was my best friend. funny. she wasnt very nurturing. and was never really vocal about her love. but i could just feel how much she loved me. her silent gestures of pure and unconditional love were profound.  she lived with us until i was about nine or so. until she couldnt bear not one more of my fathers violent drunken episodes.  and when she left. i was completely heartbroken.  i remember saying. but who is going to play with me? and then i was truly ALONE. to bear the violent drunken episodes by myself. i went to visit her often. in her high-rise project building in coney island. one block from the beach. perfect for her. she loved the sun and the boardwalk. she was simple. she loved watching wrestling. and her soap operas. she would scream at the TV. urging for someone to smack someone. actually that applied to both wrestling and the soap operas. she liked sunkist soda. and smoked virginia slims. her hair was dyed honey blond. and she had a mini fro. she painted her nails. and her adorable toes. she hated taking pictures. and she loved to read any book that featured Fabio on the cover. she clipped coupons and played her numbers. she loved her tiny apartment. and the smell of the ocean that filled it. she was sarcastic and not easily amused. and she had the most precious smile. when she let you see it.

i remember the devastation in her eyes. when she found out i was pregnant. she immediately asked the nurse for abortion information. it was one of the few times i saw her cry. i didnt have an abortion. and she took wonderful care of me during my pregnancy. i woke every morning to a bowl of cereal waiting for me. we would watch her soap operas together. both screaming for someone to smack someone. we shopped together. and held hands. i walked at her pace. and stopped when she needed to rest.  that was the year we truly became best friends. 

she had a heart attack on mothers day of 1993, and died three days later, less than a month before i gave birth to my daughter. and approximately six months after my father passed away. i remember the last time i saw her. hooked up to a million tubes. helpless. she hated feeling helpless. i bought her a plant in this ceramic planter. i held it up and said “for you grandma.” she struggled to smile. the tubes and tape restricted her. but she wouldnt have smiled big for me anyway. they had taken out her false teeth. she hated that. made her feel old. i told her i would take the plant home for her. and i left her for the night.

and then.

she left us.

it destroyed my world.

but i hold on to our precious memories.

she will always be my best friend.

November 9, 2010

Are you a good friend to yourself?

If you had a friend that spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend.

When I saw this question, I immediately thought of how hard I can be on myself at times.  The things I repeat over and over in my head to myself.  How I always seem to focus on my shortcomings, my failures, my flaws and my mistakes.

I tried to imagine a friend speaking to me, berating me, bashing me and verbally abusing me… just as I do to myself.  I also imagined me punching that person in the mouth.  Why would I subject myself to such abuse FROM MYSELF?

I started to really explore how damaging my thoughts really are.  I wondered about all of things I have talked myself out of…the different ways I have held myself back.  Why do I spend so much time acknowledging my’ have-nots’ instead of celebrating my ‘haves’ … why do I always put the spotlight on my failures instead of celebrating my successes and daily accomplishments? 

I am going to sign an emotional contract with myself. 

I promise to only uplift myself.

I promise to only inspire and encourage myself.

I promise to celebrate myself daily…

My survival…

My courageous spirit…

My heart…

My successes…no matter how small…

I promise to LOVE myself better…

In my previous post… I wrote about treating others as you wish to be treated…

It just hit me…

I have to treat MYSELF the way I wish to be treated…

Because ultimately…

Who will treat me any better than I treat myself?

November 8, 2010

want it…give it.

Meditating on treating others as you wish to be treated…

it seems simple enough… you want respect, you give it.  you want love, you give it.   you want consideration, compassion, kindness…you GIVE IT.

i witnessed lots of violence and unhealthy behavior in my childhood…and almost never got the treatment i so hungered for.  so i definitely don’t think it is something that is necessarily taught… or maybe it is… inadvertently. 

my hunger for love and affection was always the reason why i gave it so freely… i always yearned for the same treatment in return… more often than not… i was disappointed… my kindness was often abused and taken for granted…

today i am just as giving… and treat people in the manner in which i wish to be treated… i just don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of…

it is still my hunger that fuels me…and i still find myself disappointed at the lack of reciprocation… but today i am able to understand that not everyone has been able to take their past and their pain and use it in a constructive way…

some people have been abused…some people have been starved of love and affection… and as a result they have allowed themselves to become hardened… cold… ruthless …callous … and even worse…  they have a sense of entitlement … they demand a level of respect and consideration that they themselves do not give…

i have had to learn that it is NOT me.  it is NOT that i am NOT worthy of all that i give… sometimes i just give it to people who are not ready to receive…

November 5, 2010

low.

I havent feel this low
in forever
and i’ve been low
if life is a maze
i am so lost
and if life is a game
it feels like i’m losing
im sinking
damn, this is a new low
i tried to grasp
the other lows
on the way down
but i’m just plummeting
too fast
damn…
i’m so low.
September 4, 2010

and so…

thought reading other blogs would offer me some inspiration. it didn’t.

so instead of something super creative… if you should decide to read further… you will learn of all the non-writing things i have been engaged in.

as of thursday morning, i no longer have use of my right foot.  i woke up… my foot was terribly asleep. i can only describe my leg as a wet noodle.  i attempted to walk on said wet noodle… and my foot…which was also napping… gave way… twisted and made a loud POP. i am now hobbling on crutches.

prior to becoming the hobbler. it has pretty much been work and daily life.  I have however been having amazing sex. i will write about it in the near future when my words come back to me.

my daughter is applying to colleges…keeps asking me questions which require me to go digging through papers for answers… i just came across the lil hospital undershirt she was wearing right after i gave birth to her compliments of Lutheran Medical Center… I cried immediately at the sight of it.  i cry every time i think of her leaving me… and each time it hits me… omg … its over… shes an adult… the time quite literally flew by… my heart becomes heavy with regret…things i wish i had done differently… things i wish i could have given her that i couldnt. and its too late now. ugh. ok enough because i’m tearing up.

i met the most amazing man in the world (relax he’s gay) and he has quickly become one of my favorite people. 

and that is pretty much it in a nutshell…

movie night with mi amor…

June 4, 2010

i want to..

i want to make out in the pouring rain; fly a kite; ride a double bike; bake a pie; make love on the beach; make a million dollars; see the world; kiss a dolphin; ride a wave; ride a horse along the beach; sail a boat; paint on canvas; ride an elephant; rescue an animal; write a song; make a wish come true for someone; tie the knot; protest; be published; travel for a year; live my dreams;)

June 2, 2010

all a blur..

Funny how age just creeps up on you.. how time catches up.. how quickly the years fly by.. time is merciless.. it doesn’t care that you’ve been beaten up.. that you’re tired.. that you just need a second to catch your breath.. it just keeps moving right along.. it doesn’t glance back to see if you’re ok.. it moves forward with this kind of ‘tough love’ .. father time is whispering.. “come on baby..just get up..keep moving..you can do it..” but so often we are too busy beating ourselves up to hear.. our inner voice is too loud.. telling us that we have failed.. that we can’t do it.. and in that time.. a window of opportunity has passed.. we’ve lost precious moments.. minutes.. hours.. days.. weeks.. months.. years..  that can never be recovered.. they’re gone forever.. we say there’ll be more time.. but as we are busy planning all the things that we will accomplish at a later date.. yet to be determined.. it’s another day.. another week.. another month.. another year.. lost.. and it’s all a blur..