February 14, 2011

First of many…

This Valentine’s Day was so incredibly special.  I can’t recall one that was filled with so much love…

After spending the entire week making preparations… running around for hours after work… praying and waiting for packages… I was so ready to see her face… for her to walk through the door… and feel just how special she truly is…

And her face… was priceless…  

Candlelight illuminated the room with a soft glow… music accented the mood… her chocolates… gifts…  bubbly… champagne flutes…  cards… all waiting for her… 

Rose pedals tossed on the bed… two dozen balloons floating…their strings hanging playfully throughout the room…

She walked through the door, as I stood behind it… and I could see instantly her shock, her appreciation…her love…

And finally I was able to share with her… what I was so excited about… what I knew would take her breath away…

worn with fishnets, black lace boy-cut panties & stilettos ❤

And it did… as she took it all in… I took her in… more… I looked at her face… and I thought to myself… I always want to make her this happy…

We toasted to us… to more Valentine’s to come… and every part of me believed it…

The exchange and reading of carefully chosen… heartfelt cards… was beautiful…

I watched her open her gifts… and laughed at her gasps and finger snaps…

We cuddled… and kissed… and vocalized our thoughts of love and appreciation for one another…

We indulged in Thai… and in each other…

And drifted off into a sweet slumber…

A passion filled morning followed…

It was perfect…

And the rest of the weekend was as well…

Looking forward to many more days filled with love… ❤

February 10, 2011

My Rocky…

Thinking about how certain people complement each other, while others, simply do not.  We all have issues, insecurities, things that enrage us, sensitivities that run deep…  and sometimes, unintentionally, people play on our “stuff” … and our reactions in turn, play on their “stuff”… and there you have a big fkn dysfunctional cycle of messiness leading to an inevitable break up.

So anyway, I’m sitting here thinking about HER, and how amazing getting to know her has been.  How we seem to complement each other so well.  How we communicate.  How she seems to bring out only the best in me, and vice versa. Yeah it’s still new.  BUT!  We have had some of the most in depth talks, delved deep into our pasts and our relationships, our issues, our insecurities, the things that enrage us, the things that spark our inner dickhead/cunt to emerge… and I have to say… I am not worried.

You have to be aware…be mindful… of how you speak, your body language, your words… you can’t always point the finger and say, “wow, __________ was really a shit head to me.”   Yes, everyone must own their actions. BUT! Were YOUR actions confrontational, combative….were your words unkind….were you being EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT??  Were you so busy pointing the finger that you forgot to take a long hard look in the mirror? I have been guilty of this… but after some thought, I concluded, we were just NO good for each other.  My issues and her issues, equaled disaster.

I have what I like to call “Vanessa STFU” moments.  They are moments where, I’m thoroughly irritated or upset, and have the instant urge to speak on it.  Then I say to myself “VANESSA STFU.”  At that moment, nothing positive was going to come out of my mouth.  Whatever point or legitimate grievance I felt the need to express at that moment would not have been expressed properly and would go unheard.  It might even send the recipient of my profound message into DEFENSE MODE…which would in turn make my need to be heard more intense…therefore my voice louder… and her MORE on the defense… and there goes NOTHING!  My point is sometimes… lots of times… you might just need to STFU.

Getting back to her… damn… I have never in my life felt like such a princess, felt so safe, felt so secure… I have never been so ready to take a leap of faith… and know with all my heart… that I would be leaping into the arms of the greatest love I could ever hope or pray for.  We laugh harder than I can ever recall laughing with another.  We kiss for hours, and cuddling with her feels like our bodies were meant to be intertwined….her embrace feels like that puzzle piece you have been searching for, and finally find… that feeling that you get when you put it in place, and it fits perfectly… my heart feels that kind of long awaited satisfaction.   Being made love to feels like what can only be described as LOVE.  I feel it pulsing through every vein… I feel it filling my heart… I feel it massaging my mind… healing old hurts… renewing my faith… I feel it with every fiber of my being. 

Every kind gesture, thoughtful word, adoring glance, tender touch, warm embrace, passionate kiss… is treasured… cherished… I want her to know… that I will NEVER take her for granted… I promise to always show my appreciation… to always uplift her… and show her that I have the utmost faith in HER… in US. 

She will have 100% of my trust…and 200% of my LOVE… and I feel confident that I will have hers…

I want to be her lady… her Adrian… she has already been my Rock[y]. ❤

February 8, 2011

Fireworks

So, someone found it necessary today to question the time that it took for me to fall in love.  I should probably say… that I am still falling, every day.  So, are we questioning when I began to fall?  Well then yes, it was probably pretty quick.  What can I say?  She is breathtakingly gorgeous.  She is kind, thoughtful, generous, chivalrous, intelligent, driven, goofy…and so many other things that I would have to dedicate another post just to describe her adequately.  I feel so honored and blessed to have her in my life.  In our short time together, she has shown me things that others could not during an entire relationship.  And yes, I love her.  I love her very much.  And what makes it so wonderful, is that she appreciates all of my expressions of love… and she is just so easy to love. 

I think often we are convinced that loving takes CONSTANT WORK, that it takes CONSTANT tweaking, and requires a CONSTANT effort just to keep it going… when love is like a job that leaves you feeling exhausted and drained, I am now convinced, that isn’t love at all.

Sometimes love is so effortless, so comforting, so incredibly nurturing… that it is impossible NOT to fall, because you feel so safe in doing so.  And I do.  Feel safe.

I feel completely at peace in the way I left my previous relationship.  I was honest, loyal and 100% faithful. 

I NEVER NEED someone to make me happy. To fulfill me.  I am a naturally happy person.  I know who I am.  I am an “old bitch.”  I don’t need time to FIND myself. I am not filling any voids, or searching aimlessly for a love to complete me.  The fact is, as stated in another post, my love is a gift.  You do with it what you will.  I will always BE READY for love if and when it presents itself to me.  And I will never run from love because of “timing” issues.  Who is to say when the right time for love is?  This love is RIGHT ON TIME. 

I am IN LOVE… and it feels healthy and wonderful.  I have no regrets.  I am not looking in my relationship rear view mirror questioning should haves and could haves.  I am confident that everything is exactly as it should be.

Anyway, who needs a flashlight when you have fireworks?

February 4, 2011

i cant wait!

Well well well… its friday again!  I am going to see my “toes” aka my best friend Marissa, who i miss very much.  completely disgusted with this weather… and not looking forward to the commute…but its been way too long since i have seen her, so I AM GOING! 

I find myself daydreaming about warmer temperatures and all the things i cant wait to do…

I absolutely cannot wait to have a picnic… and sit by the ocean…to have rooftop BBQs…and walk on the boardwalk…to watch concerts in the park… and kiss under the stars…  to frequent amusement parks… and dine at sidewalk cafes… to scream and canon-ball into a pool… and watch fireworks… to canoe in central park… and roam the city aimlessly… to  ride a NYC tour bus… and read under a willow tree… to  make love to a gentle breeze… and horseback ride on the beach…

back to reality…

its freezing and icy… and disgusting… and i absolutely cannot wait to get to Marissa’s house… to drink a four loko… and act a fool! 🙂

February 3, 2011

Motivation.

I just read something that both motivated me and made me feel like shit, simultaneously. I really need to get my shit together and WRITE. I love writing just to write…but I need to really WRITE…with being published as my main focus.  Blogging and sharing my insane life with the world is fun…but umm… yeah…not much else is going to come from revealing my craziness on this here blog.

Lord knows I have enough to pull from to write an interesting read. 🙂

February 3, 2011

30 somewhat interesting facts about me :)

  1. I need to know where my lip gloss is at ALL times
  2. I can’t ever be vegan because of my scary cheese addiction
  3. I sleep with a bra on
  4. I hate okra ugh
  5. I am struggling to give up seafood
  6. My toilet tissue must hang OVER…under is just plain silly
  7. I buy whatever toothpaste is on sale
  8. I must apply an even amount of deodorant strokes to each armpit
  9. Judging by my last fact… I may have a mild case of OCD
  10. I ADORE my friends and when they hurt, I hurt
  11. I have Fibromyalgia
  12. I tend to dance with my eyes closed when I’m drunk
  13. I have an alter ego named Yasmine…shes mad funny yo. lol
  14. I am oddly strong
  15. I was a teen mom
  16. I came out when I was  19 yo
  17. I love to drive fast and race
  18. I am shy
  19. I take a fistful of vitamins daily
  20. I hate killing any living thing… even pesky insects 😦
  21. I am eating cheese right now lmao
  22. My drink of choice when out at a club/lounge is a cosmo
  23. I have watched SEX AND THE CITY reruns more than I care to mention
  24. I am a Sarah Jessica Parker GROUPIE and PROUD
  25. I have stalked both SJP’s & Carrie’s apartments LOL
  26. I can make a dollar out of fifteen cents
  27. I am a good listener
  28. I LOVE elephants and dolphins
  29. I LOVE hard
  30. I LOVE who I am
February 3, 2011

the last fuck you.

so yesterday was an interesting day… a weasel… weaseled her way into my home… without permission… using keys that were no longer hers to use… assuming no one would be home… finding my daughter coming out of the shower… offering lies of me giving her permission to be there… to retrieve the last of her things… to avoid having to pay for outstanding living expenses…

it was her last slap in the face to me… her last FUCK YOU VANESSA… her last of biting the hand that fed and housed her… it was the LAST.

its okay though… I am making peace with it… the good person that I am had everything in one place… freshly washed… waiting for an even exchange of things to take place…

The audacity of her to come into my home… without my knowledge or consent… to roam through my rooms… into MY bedroom… and through MY drawers… what a violation… but am I really shocked at her actions… no… she had shown me her potentially trifling ways many times… it’s my fault really… I chose to see the good and ignore the bad… I chose to believe that I was not being taken advantage of… but there was always one thing I could count on… her being consistently inconsistent…

But I am noticing a new pattern… #she… was there for me yet again yesterday… she has this way… of offering herself… her support… its perfect… and makes me feel a sense of security… that I havent felt before… I am always holding myself together… because I know if I fall… there’s never anyone there to catch me… and that feels different now…

February 3, 2011

Today…

is just one of those days. the world seems heavier. and my shoulders feel weaker. the walls seems closer. and my breaths seem shorter. the air seems thicker. and this space feels smaller. the light seems dimmer. and my fake smile seems faker.

it’s just one of those days.

*I wrote this four months ago and posted on my tumblr…but today feels like this too… *sigh*

February 2, 2011

at that moment…

Yesterday was one of those days… my daughter received her first college acceptance letter… I was beyond happy… but my heart sunk and I fell to pieces… at that moment… it hit me… it became real… she’s not my little girl anymore… there isn’t any more time to do all the things I wanted to do with her… she’s all grown up and the time just feels like it slipped through my fingers… times that I wished would fly by… did… and the times I wish I could have held onto forever… flew right along with them… seems so unfair… she has made me so proud… she has exceeded what I hoped for her when she was a baby… I feel proud that I had a lil something to do with that… but it’s going to be so hard to watch her go off on her own… as I put the key in my door last night… with my face a mess… my mascara stained cheeks… my eyes still oozing with guilt ridden tears… I realized that one day very soon… she won’t be there when I get home… I won’t see her messy room… her things scattered about… I won’t have dishes to yell at her about… and we wont decide on dinner together… and wow… that hurt me to my core… I am going to miss her very much… I know she is going to have the time of her life… and I am going to be her number one supporter always… I’m just really going to miss my little girl…

…and then…

…part two of my night…

unexpectedly… #she walked through my door… to be my support… with my much desired beer in tow… and her face… at that moment… it touched me to my core… it was at that moment that I realized I had gained someone very special in my life… it was at that moment… I fell more in love with her… her smile… the way she looked at me… her gesture… it all simultaneously melted my heart… while at the very same time… made me feel stronger… safer… wrapping my hands around her waist while watching TV… my face nuzzled in her neck… I couldn’t have asked for anything more at that moment… it was all that I needed… she was all that I needed… and she gave herself to me selflessly… and with each passing moment… until we parted ways this morning… she captured more of my heart… became more a part of my soul… and rescued me… in just the way I needed to be rescued.. at that moment… ❤

January 28, 2011

a beautiful love…

This video was so incredibly touching.  reminded me of how fragile life can be… and how it can change in a split second…

It also reminded me how powerful love can be… and how there are still some people out there that truly mean… “in sickness and in health”

What a sacrifice this young man is making to take care of the woman that he pledged his love to…

I know that I would be capable of such a sacrifice… but I don’t condemn those who are not… who would not be able to deal with the pain and agony of seeing a loved one in such an unfornuate situation…

I think part of the reason why I love so fearlessly is because I know that at any given moment…life as I know it… could be over… and what is life without love anyway…