Posts tagged ‘Confusion’

February 16, 2011

Nineteen years and counting…

Thoughts of my father surfaced recently. I am so frustrated.  How do you settle what can never be settled… find closure with someone you can never speak to again… have one last moment with someone who is gone forever?

It’s going on 19 years soon… but still… a part of me feels like the 14-year-old he left behind… only more tired… less youthful… and the void he left behind… larger and more empty…

Still not sure how to make peace with his death… with all of my unacknowledged feelings… with all of my pain… with my daddy issues… with my never-enough-complex…

I don’t know what I wish… that he were here maybe? Healed hopefully… but more than likely… he’d still be drunk… and high… disappointing me… and feeding my complex… and lord knows… my mother does that enough.  I have never heard her say she was proud of me… never…

I cried myself to sleep two nights ago… torturing myself with thoughts of him… the few good times we had together during his sober moments… he was the apple of my eye then…

I have my own regrets… I guess never imagining that our time would be cut so short… always thinking there would be that later time… hoping that he would get his shit together… and that we’d finally get to have our time… that finally I would have my time… just to be a kid… to be free… to be loved… to be his baby girl… to be number one… to be a priority… to feel safe… and taken care of… to be worry free… to not be second… shit… third even… to his drugs and alcohol…

That time never came… and my heart still feels like it’s waiting…

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February 14, 2011

the funny thing about never…

the people you thought would never leave your side…
are gone…
the love you never could have imagined…
exists…
the times you never thought you’d get through…
were survived…
the things you thought you’d never be able to laugh at…
are finally funny…
the people you never thought would let you down…
have…
the mistakes you promised yourself you’d never make…
were made…
the tears you never thought you’d cause…
were cried…
and the tears you promised you’d never cry…
streamed down your cheeks…
the ties you swore you’d never cut…
were snipped…
the lies you promised you’d never tell…
were told…
the people you said you’d never forgive…
were forgiven…
and the things you never thought were possible…
have happened…
 
…that’s the funny thing about never…
it’s never certain…
February 2, 2011

at that moment…

Yesterday was one of those days… my daughter received her first college acceptance letter… I was beyond happy… but my heart sunk and I fell to pieces… at that moment… it hit me… it became real… she’s not my little girl anymore… there isn’t any more time to do all the things I wanted to do with her… she’s all grown up and the time just feels like it slipped through my fingers… times that I wished would fly by… did… and the times I wish I could have held onto forever… flew right along with them… seems so unfair… she has made me so proud… she has exceeded what I hoped for her when she was a baby… I feel proud that I had a lil something to do with that… but it’s going to be so hard to watch her go off on her own… as I put the key in my door last night… with my face a mess… my mascara stained cheeks… my eyes still oozing with guilt ridden tears… I realized that one day very soon… she won’t be there when I get home… I won’t see her messy room… her things scattered about… I won’t have dishes to yell at her about… and we wont decide on dinner together… and wow… that hurt me to my core… I am going to miss her very much… I know she is going to have the time of her life… and I am going to be her number one supporter always… I’m just really going to miss my little girl…

…and then…

…part two of my night…

unexpectedly… #she walked through my door… to be my support… with my much desired beer in tow… and her face… at that moment… it touched me to my core… it was at that moment that I realized I had gained someone very special in my life… it was at that moment… I fell more in love with her… her smile… the way she looked at me… her gesture… it all simultaneously melted my heart… while at the very same time… made me feel stronger… safer… wrapping my hands around her waist while watching TV… my face nuzzled in her neck… I couldn’t have asked for anything more at that moment… it was all that I needed… she was all that I needed… and she gave herself to me selflessly… and with each passing moment… until we parted ways this morning… she captured more of my heart… became more a part of my soul… and rescued me… in just the way I needed to be rescued.. at that moment… ❤

December 28, 2010

Bitter-sweet…

As I approach the end of this year… I realize that nothing is as I thought it would be… The story line changed… the cast is different… and I can only hope that things are just as they should be…I pray that I haven’t made some crazy decision that has sent my life spiraling out of control…I feel at peace for some reason… even in the midst of this shitstorm…Even the blizzard of 2010 has been seemingly unable to put a damper on my state of mind…I can see my past…as I put one foot in front of the other… I am doing so with the utmost faith…Faith that good things lie ahead… I know that I am worthy… Life hasn’t always been kind… and at times I have been down right cruel to myself…It’s my time… I want to fall in love…with myself…with life.. with someone…I want to fall asleep at night …content…happy…feeling blessed and thankful…whether I am alone…Or wrapped in the warmth of loves embrace…I am kissing 2010 goodbye with bitter-sweet tears in my eyes…I have made wonderful memories…I fell in love… and that love came to an abrupt end…A very dear friend passed… I made a friendship that I KNOW will last forever…met someone amazing…find myself financially crippled…but having my kids, my mom & my health is priceless… *sigh* it has been a roller coaster ride of a year…I try to take the good with the bad… Because through all my struggles and pain… I have learned one very simple lesson…Life goes on…

“After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot” — Sarah Jessica Parker

Farewell 2010 *besos*

November 8, 2010

want it…give it.

Meditating on treating others as you wish to be treated…

it seems simple enough… you want respect, you give it.  you want love, you give it.   you want consideration, compassion, kindness…you GIVE IT.

i witnessed lots of violence and unhealthy behavior in my childhood…and almost never got the treatment i so hungered for.  so i definitely don’t think it is something that is necessarily taught… or maybe it is… inadvertently. 

my hunger for love and affection was always the reason why i gave it so freely… i always yearned for the same treatment in return… more often than not… i was disappointed… my kindness was often abused and taken for granted…

today i am just as giving… and treat people in the manner in which i wish to be treated… i just don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of…

it is still my hunger that fuels me…and i still find myself disappointed at the lack of reciprocation… but today i am able to understand that not everyone has been able to take their past and their pain and use it in a constructive way…

some people have been abused…some people have been starved of love and affection… and as a result they have allowed themselves to become hardened… cold… ruthless …callous … and even worse…  they have a sense of entitlement … they demand a level of respect and consideration that they themselves do not give…

i have had to learn that it is NOT me.  it is NOT that i am NOT worthy of all that i give… sometimes i just give it to people who are not ready to receive…

November 5, 2010

low.

I havent feel this low
in forever
and i’ve been low
if life is a maze
i am so lost
and if life is a game
it feels like i’m losing
im sinking
damn, this is a new low
i tried to grasp
the other lows
on the way down
but i’m just plummeting
too fast
damn…
i’m so low.
June 2, 2010

all a blur..

Funny how age just creeps up on you.. how time catches up.. how quickly the years fly by.. time is merciless.. it doesn’t care that you’ve been beaten up.. that you’re tired.. that you just need a second to catch your breath.. it just keeps moving right along.. it doesn’t glance back to see if you’re ok.. it moves forward with this kind of ‘tough love’ .. father time is whispering.. “come on baby..just get up..keep moving..you can do it..” but so often we are too busy beating ourselves up to hear.. our inner voice is too loud.. telling us that we have failed.. that we can’t do it.. and in that time.. a window of opportunity has passed.. we’ve lost precious moments.. minutes.. hours.. days.. weeks.. months.. years..  that can never be recovered.. they’re gone forever.. we say there’ll be more time.. but as we are busy planning all the things that we will accomplish at a later date.. yet to be determined.. it’s another day.. another week.. another month.. another year.. lost.. and it’s all a blur..

June 2, 2010

over under.

overextended

under-appreciated

overworked

underpaid

being so selfless

has me feeling self-less

over this

and

over that

has me feeling

under the weather

overstated some shit

underestimated some other shit

feeling run over

and taken under

over thinking

and under-living

so over

being under

January 28, 2010

*floating*

I’m gliding…
my love is guiding…
me to a place…
I wasn’t ready for…
I’m fighting it…
with all my might and it…
feels so good…
baby I’m falling…
you came without warning…
I’m fighting…
But I’m losing the battle…
my mind is drenched…
and my body is soaking…
I’m losing control…
Cos baby I’m *floating*
December 22, 2009

trying…

trying not to remember…
the things you make impossible to forget…
the way it feels when your lips touch mine…
the shrills you cause each time your hands…
make their way between my thighs…
the way you grip my neck…
as your fingers plunge deep inside me…
the gushing of wetness…
as my body responds to your every move…
the exquisitely painful bruises you leave behind…
a constant reminder…
of the insane eruptions…
one after another…
the uncontrollable moaning…
that has me sounding like…
a one woman orchestra…
with you as the conductor…
knowing just how…
to pull each note out of me…
and finally our moist limp bodies…
intertwined…
and drifting off into a deep slumber…
waking hours later…
to devilish smiles…
and playful laughter
air tight spooning…
and talk of breakfast…
trying so hard not to remember…
the things you make impossible to forget…