Posts tagged ‘Distractions’

April 25, 2009

If love is…

If  love is blind
Then why can I see
And If  love
Takes your breath away
Then why can I breathe
The distance between us
Is too much
But if  love makes
The heart grow fonder
Maybe we aren’t far enough
Or are we too far
Why does love
Have to dull
Your senses
Make you blind
And breathless
So weak in the knees
That you can hardly speak
Love does many things
And love is many things
But is this love?

April 9, 2009

To the sky…thank you B.

I can’t get unstuck.  Everything seems to be moving in fast motion.  I can’t breathe and I’m having trouble seeing clearly.  My throat begins to tighten as I become aware of the time that has passed.  My eyes well with tears as I take heed to my inner voice telling me I have failed.  Another year.  Another Christmas.  Another birthday.  The already small voice inside me saying, “this year will be different,” has faded.  It is but an indistinct noise easily ignored.  Overshadowed by other voices telling me that the bills are due, and Jazz’s sweet sixteen is fast approaching.  There is no end in sight to the madness that has become a normal way of life.  I’ve tried a thousand times to break the cycle of insanity.  It’s been too long now.   I am beginning to think I don’t know another way.  Since the dark womb.  There has always been chaos.  Daddy’s rough fist against mommy’s teary cheek.  The shrieking.  The screaming.  The begging.  The soul piercing cries.  Hers and mine.  Daddy’s foul breath, him screaming unforgivable words.  I miss him.  What I wouldn’t give to have him back.  To feel the warmth of his sober embrace.  I’m sorries and I love yous causing a stream of recycled tears to pour from my tormented eyes.  My own abuse is a blur.  The rape.  The closed fist punches hitting my numb body.  The suffocation. The misery of seeing his face for the twelve years I won’t ever get back.  I won’t ever miss him.  I pity him.  But I forgive him.  My children won’t allow me to harbor hatred towards him.  I can’t ever hate the person who helped me to conceive them.  I’m stuck.  Stuck in a rut.  It’s dark, and damp, deep, and slimy.  I am trying to claw myself out.  My hands are raw and bloody.  I am trying to scream.  But there’s no sound.  The walls are closing in on me.  The last glimmer of light is dimming.  God help me.

April 8, 2009

What have you been doing with your writing?

Someone asked me this question today, and I had no answer.  I said something about wanting to take some workshops, and needing inspiration.  BULL!  I just haven’t been doing anything.  I mean, in my defense, I am so extremely exhausted.  By the time I get home from the gym, walk the dogs, cook dinner, clean up and fuss with the kids to do what they need to do… I am done!  I wouldn’t be able to put two sentences together.  As a matter of fact, it is 12:28am as I am writing this.  Horrible!  So I will attempt to make more time once again, because every time that questions is asked, I feel like crap.

March 14, 2009

Life happens

Life doesn’t stop because you’ve set your eyes on the prize.  There are and always will be obstacles.  I have to learn new ways to take care of ALL the things that require my attention while still working toward my goals. 

Last night I got a phone call from my son who lives with his dad.  He asked if I could come get him in the morning because he didn’t want to be there anymore.  Of course, I went in to mom mode.  I could hear the desperation in his voice, so I immediately started asking questions.  I told him he was scaring me.  He said his dad had some issues with his report card.  Before I go on I should mention that his father has a history of domestic violence and his parenting skills leave a lot to be desired.  Why did I allow my son to live with him you ask?  Well, when he was 11 he told me that he wanted to go live with his dad.  I think he was really yearning to have the relationship that all boys long to have with their fathers.  I couldn’t deny him the opportunity and risk having him resent me later, never knowing what could have been.  But in my heart, I knew he was going to be disappointed. 

My son has always struggled in school.  He is a very intelligent boy, and although he was never diagnosed, we have suspected that he may have ADHD.  Growing up my son was unfortunately subject to the type of mentality that believes boys need to be tough, not show emotion, etc.  He was disciplined frequently, and as a result has a short fuse and suppressed emotions that surface as rage. On the other hand however, he is one of the sweetest boys you will ever meet. 

So when his dad confronted him in a very aggressive manner about my his report card, it quickly escalated to a physical altercation.  My son was put in a headlock, tight enough to restrict his breathing.  He was punched on his body and face and sent to his room.  All of his electronic toys were confiscated and he had to ask permission to leave his room even to use the bathroom.  Somewhere in the midst of this of this altercation, my son punch holes, two I believe, in the walls.  I am not condoning that he did this.  I am also not happy about the fact that he received an unsatisfactory grade on his report card.  But this type of physical discipline does not rectify anything.  I went to retrieve my son and some of his belongings this morning.  He seems relieved to be with me.  I explained to him that I don’t want him to think that being with me is going to be an easy ride.  I don’t want him to want to be with me because he feels that he will be able to get over on me.  He said that he understood.  Time will tell.  My son requires  lots of time and attention, unlike my daughter who I joke, is like a self cleaning oven.

I am surprised that I haven’t received an irate phone call from his father yet, since I took my son from his home while his dad was at work.  Things are too calm right now.  I haven’t allowed myself to completely feel at ease, because I know his dad all too well, and he is not one to give up control of a situation easily, or without a fight. 

I am happy to have him home with me.  Very happy.  But with this new transition comes lots of change.  I live in Brooklyn, his school is in Long Island, and I do not have a car.  Right now we are in an overpriced 2 bedroom apartment, and will need to start looking for an even more overpriced 3 bedroom apartment.  I am making myself feel a little sick just thinking about it.  But of course as a mom, you do what is necessary.  You make it work anyway you can.

I won’t stop writing.  I am going to be releasing my thoughts and pouring my emotions into this blog.  If I don’t, there is a chance I will need psychiatric help.

March 13, 2009

Distractions.

Holy crap!  There are so many things that can distract you when you are trying to stay focused.

  • Twitter
  • Myspace
  • Facebook
  • Reading blogs
  • Snooping on people via the internet (don’t you judge me)

How does one manage to stay focused?  This is the tricky part for me.  I need to write EVERY single day, so my plan is to write about everything (i.e. feeling unfocused, distractions, feeling blocked, etc.).  Hey writing is writing right?  As I get more into the zone I will hopefully be writing actual stories and poems…but I am just not feeling anything yet.

These quotes inspire me to stay focused:

Action is the foundational key to all success.
Pablo Picasso

Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.
Dale Carnegie

Don’t aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.
David Frost

If you want to achieve things in life, you’ve just got to do them, and if you’re talented and smart, you’ll succeed.
Juliana Hatfield

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
Bill Cosby