Napowrimo!

 It’s day 4 so I need to get started catching up!  I was looking for motivation to do some writing and I found it!  30 posts in 30 days! Looking forward to it! 🙂

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empty stomach, full brain.

I always struggle with how much of what is on my mind I should reveal on here.  This blog has served as my safe place on many lonely nights, but sometimes I post just to vent at the risk of sounding like I am whining.  I don’t want to be perceived that way.  A whiner.

Things are extremely hectic right now.  My brain is going constantly, every waking moment.  It’s particularly exhausting.  I know I’m a survivor, but I’m fucking tired.  I feel like the last one in the race carrying a bag of bricks  cinder blocks.  OVER IT!

I am on day 2 of this cleanse and my brain feels extra incapable of handling my rigorous obsessive compulsive thinking. 

My daughter is what keeps me going, her needs… the things she deserves.  I can’t fail.  I can’t stop.  I can’t throw my hands up and say FUCK IT!  I can’t.  She needs me.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I completely and totally losing my mind simply trying to keep it all together.

I am trying to maintain an acceptable level of sanity (what’s acceptable is debatable in NY).  Finances are one of those things though… they can really fuck with you mentally.  And they are.  Fucking with me.

I wonder if it would be bad to put some vodka in this Master Cleanse shit.

Motivation.

I just read something that both motivated me and made me feel like shit, simultaneously. I really need to get my shit together and WRITE. I love writing just to write…but I need to really WRITE…with being published as my main focus.  Blogging and sharing my insane life with the world is fun…but umm… yeah…not much else is going to come from revealing my craziness on this here blog.

Lord knows I have enough to pull from to write an interesting read. 🙂

fearless

i am never afraid to fall in love.  there is always the possibility of getting hurt.  but my heart remains open to the possibility that it wont.  my willingness to love has been seen as foolish.  but these were the eyes of narrow minds.  my love is fearless.  i can love you with all that i am. you might take the part of me i give you and crush it.  but i will love myself whole again.  just as i was before you came.  my love cant be TAKEN for granted.  my love is a GIFT.  and what i give you is forever yours to do what you wish.  i will ALWAYS be ready for love.  and my love is FEARLESS.

In great company.

I have been reading lots of great blogs recently and find myself truly inspired.  There are so many talented folk out there really doing their thing.  Thank you Twitter for putting me in touch with these creative souls.

Some quotes to ponder…

You must not for one instant give up the effort to build new lives for yourselves. Creativity means to push open the heavy, groaning doorway to life. This is not an easy struggle. Indeed, it may be the most difficult task in the world, for opening the door to your own life is, in the end, more difficult than opening the doors to the mysteries of the universe.
-Daisaku Ikeda

As the rain falling out of the clouds becomes the life origin for plants, so the stream of creativeness becomes the source of life for a man. Let us feel the pulse of a creative spirit within a man, which sustains his or her vitality, for it, is the only way for one to join the river of eternity. As this truth submerges a man in joy like the sunrays, he or she feels incredibly happy. The spirit of creativity like a stream flowing in a man and watering a dry land of his or her soul, refreshing it and awakening up new forces – a creation of action. It seems that time and eternity merge within a man. Let us aim at awakening within ourselves this state producing success and desire for harmony.
-Augustinas Rakauskas

Beethoven’s letter to his Immortal Beloved

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us – I can live only wholly with you or not at all – Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits – Yes, unhappily it must be so – You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart – never – never – Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life – Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men – At my age I nedd a steady, quiet life – can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day – therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once – Be calm, only by a clam consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together – Be calm – love me – today – yesterday – what tearful longings for you – you – you – my life – my all – farewell. Oh continue to love me – never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

 

How glorious it must have been to receive such a letter!  *sigh*

B inspired.

Make my thoughts your own
Taste my mind, and touch my…
Rape my heart
And nurture my soul
Feel my words
As they attempt to reach
The very depths of you
Hunt me
Catch me
Release who I long to be
Take me on a journey
Not soon forgotten
See me without looking
Love me without knowing
Touch me with words
More than anything physical
Say you want to know more
And I will tell you

Stepping stones

Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.
~Dale Carnegie

Digital Girl

The base bumps

bumps

bumps

My heart races

Quick quick fast

The liquor takes control

My eyes get low

Fixated on you

And the things I wanna do

Just take me already

And do what you want

Put my hands

Where you want them

And I’ll put my lips

Where I want them

Pull away

When I get too close

Torture me

Tease me

Make me scream

In agony

Let me have another sip

To drown the sweet pain

Of having you within my reach

Of knowing your scent

And your touch

The exquisite aching

Of having never tasted you

And wanting you so much

I’ve had you a thousand times

In a thousand nights

Only to wake

And find

The touch is my own

It has always been

You exist only in my mind

On my screen

My digital girl

The River

You know a dream is like a river, ever changing as it flows.
And a dreamer’s just a vessel that must follow where it goes.
Trying to learn from what’s behind you and never knowing what’s in store
makes each day a constant battle just to stay between the shores.
And I will sail my vessel ’til the river runs dry.
Like a bird upon the wind, these waters are my sky.
I’ll never reach my destination if I never try,
So I will sail my vessel ’til the river runs dry.
Too many times we stand aside and let the water slip away.
To what we put off ’til tomorrow has now become today.
So don’t you sit upon the shore and say you’re satisfied.
Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tides.

-Garth Brooks, song “The River” co-written with Victoria Shaw