Posts tagged ‘Jazmine’

March 31, 2011

empty stomach, full brain.

I always struggle with how much of what is on my mind I should reveal on here.  This blog has served as my safe place on many lonely nights, but sometimes I post just to vent at the risk of sounding like I am whining.  I don’t want to be perceived that way.  A whiner.

Things are extremely hectic right now.  My brain is going constantly, every waking moment.  It’s particularly exhausting.  I know I’m a survivor, but I’m fucking tired.  I feel like the last one in the race carrying a bag of bricks  cinder blocks.  OVER IT!

I am on day 2 of this cleanse and my brain feels extra incapable of handling my rigorous obsessive compulsive thinking. 

My daughter is what keeps me going, her needs… the things she deserves.  I can’t fail.  I can’t stop.  I can’t throw my hands up and say FUCK IT!  I can’t.  She needs me.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I completely and totally losing my mind simply trying to keep it all together.

I am trying to maintain an acceptable level of sanity (what’s acceptable is debatable in NY).  Finances are one of those things though… they can really fuck with you mentally.  And they are.  Fucking with me.

I wonder if it would be bad to put some vodka in this Master Cleanse shit.

February 2, 2011

at that moment…

Yesterday was one of those days… my daughter received her first college acceptance letter… I was beyond happy… but my heart sunk and I fell to pieces… at that moment… it hit me… it became real… she’s not my little girl anymore… there isn’t any more time to do all the things I wanted to do with her… she’s all grown up and the time just feels like it slipped through my fingers… times that I wished would fly by… did… and the times I wish I could have held onto forever… flew right along with them… seems so unfair… she has made me so proud… she has exceeded what I hoped for her when she was a baby… I feel proud that I had a lil something to do with that… but it’s going to be so hard to watch her go off on her own… as I put the key in my door last night… with my face a mess… my mascara stained cheeks… my eyes still oozing with guilt ridden tears… I realized that one day very soon… she won’t be there when I get home… I won’t see her messy room… her things scattered about… I won’t have dishes to yell at her about… and we wont decide on dinner together… and wow… that hurt me to my core… I am going to miss her very much… I know she is going to have the time of her life… and I am going to be her number one supporter always… I’m just really going to miss my little girl…

…and then…

…part two of my night…

unexpectedly… #she walked through my door… to be my support… with my much desired beer in tow… and her face… at that moment… it touched me to my core… it was at that moment that I realized I had gained someone very special in my life… it was at that moment… I fell more in love with her… her smile… the way she looked at me… her gesture… it all simultaneously melted my heart… while at the very same time… made me feel stronger… safer… wrapping my hands around her waist while watching TV… my face nuzzled in her neck… I couldn’t have asked for anything more at that moment… it was all that I needed… she was all that I needed… and she gave herself to me selflessly… and with each passing moment… until we parted ways this morning… she captured more of my heart… became more a part of my soul… and rescued me… in just the way I needed to be rescued.. at that moment… ❤

September 14, 2010

Slipping Through My Fingers…

I came across this song by Abba while helping a friend search for a Mother/Daughter sweet 16 song.  By the time I finished reading the lyrics, I was at my desk sitting in a puddle of my own tears.  It just reminded me of how quickly time flies.  My daughter just turned 17 and will be in college this time next year.

There were so many things I wanted to do… we just never did get around to those things… and now my baby girl is all grown up.  It sickens me how fast the years went by…how they quite literally slipped through my fingers.  Next year… as I watch her walk away from me a young woman… headed on her own journey… I am going to sob like a baby… letting her go will by far be one of the most difficult things I can ever imagine doing.


Here are the lyrics…

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that Im losing her forever
And without really entering her world
Im glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when shes gone theres that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I cant deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didnt
And why I just dont know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers…

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile…

Ugh… 😦

May 30, 2009

It all happened so fast

I remember when you were scared…
I was your protector
And when you were sad…
I was your comforter
I remember when your arms were too little to reach
They reached for me
When I was the answer to all of your questions
And you smiled at the sight of me
When you cried for me
And wanted no one but me
I remember when you discovered my name
And the sound of your small voice
Uttering those two syllables meant the world to me
I was your hero then…
Before you discovered…
That I wouldn’t always tell you what you wanted to hear
And your tears wouldn’t always sway me
Before you found…
Others to hold your hand
And to hear your cries
Before I realized…
That my words would annoy you
And my presence would stifle you
I know that friendships will dwindle
And my love will not waiver
You will have your heart broken
And I will never leave your side
I know that you love me
Even when tears flow and eyes roll
When voices are raised and doors are slammed
But I am not sure you comprehend my love for you
And the unconditional support that comes with it
The roles have changed…
And now I feel like the eager child
Reaching out to you with teary eyes
I know you are growing…
And it is beautiful to see…
But every once in a while…
Just take a look back…
That’s where I’ll be.

My babygirl

My babygirl

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