Posts tagged ‘Life happens’

April 7, 2011

the chase…

my shadow…
keeps following me…
after me…
taunting me…
it’s a never-ending chase…
she’ll never catch me…
I’m too fast…
and she’s too slow…
she whispers…
for me to slow down…
but I ignore her…
it has become a race…
an endless one…
I’m always winning…
or am I…
she only wants to hold me…
she only wants to tell me…
to slow down…
that everything will be okay…
I wish I could let her…
I wish I believed her…
March 31, 2011

empty stomach, full brain.

I always struggle with how much of what is on my mind I should reveal on here.  This blog has served as my safe place on many lonely nights, but sometimes I post just to vent at the risk of sounding like I am whining.  I don’t want to be perceived that way.  A whiner.

Things are extremely hectic right now.  My brain is going constantly, every waking moment.  It’s particularly exhausting.  I know I’m a survivor, but I’m fucking tired.  I feel like the last one in the race carrying a bag of bricks  cinder blocks.  OVER IT!

I am on day 2 of this cleanse and my brain feels extra incapable of handling my rigorous obsessive compulsive thinking. 

My daughter is what keeps me going, her needs… the things she deserves.  I can’t fail.  I can’t stop.  I can’t throw my hands up and say FUCK IT!  I can’t.  She needs me.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I completely and totally losing my mind simply trying to keep it all together.

I am trying to maintain an acceptable level of sanity (what’s acceptable is debatable in NY).  Finances are one of those things though… they can really fuck with you mentally.  And they are.  Fucking with me.

I wonder if it would be bad to put some vodka in this Master Cleanse shit.

March 30, 2011

Day 1 of the Master Cleanse…

So today I am starting the Master Cleanse…. I have made my first 32oz portion.  It tastes pretty yummy and so far so good…but it’s a little early to be celebrating! 🙂 

I am sitting here thinking of how many other areas of my life need a good cleansing. 

With the exception of my love life… everything else seems to be a mess.

I am going to try doing morning meditations and positive affirmations… I need to take control of my life… right now it just feels like I am on this train speeding nowhere with no breaks. 

I am hoping to incorporate a spiritual element to this cleanse…

I need something empowering and motivational to read… or maybe I will just write… and purge…

Feeling hopeful about the process.

March 3, 2011

this can only be called “GGRRR”

Sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks… trying not to let my co-workers see me in this state. The pain resonating throughout my body right now has sent me into a paralyzing mental state. I am sad… in every sense of the word. I don’t want this sickness. I don’t want this body. I don’t want this to be my life.

My right shoulder is throbbing and begging for me to stretch it beyond the point that it can be stretched. It never feels satisfied. The constant attempts to twist and contort it leave me feeling sore and drained. My back feels tight and tense. My muscles feel like they are gripping my every bone, constricting them.

 The stress is palpable.

My frustration is growing.

And my ability to ignore it is dwindling.

I am plain fucking tired.

They say FM can be onset by a traumatizing dramatic event. Trying to pinpoint that would be like trying to find a grain of salt in a bucket of sand. IMPOSSIBLE. But I remember the pain even as a child. Funny how what you are used to becomes what is “normal” to you. Stress and tension have always been a part of my life. At some point, it just became okay to live that way. It is no longer okay, because it is affecting my well-being.

 Been thinking about my past a lot lately. I am finding that I am still a little bitter. Unfortunately as children we have no choice of what life we are born into. I always felt like this leaf just blowing in the shit-storm hurricane winds of the fucked up lives of my parents. He died and she read dozens of “HOW TO HEAL THYSELF” books, and moved on from that life. I am still suffering, physically and mentally. Nice.

Anyway, the point of this here post is that fibromyalgia fucking sucks, and I fucking hate it, and there is no fucking end in sight to this shit. The end.

March 2, 2011

to BE…

Wow. I am thirty-three.  I am not sure when that happened exactly.  Thinking back this morning, I realize how far I have come.  I have OVERcome so much in my life, and I have managed to remain kind, caring, affectionate, loving, compassionate and SANE.  I remember being in my 20’s and thinking that I knew it all… that I had all the answers.  I realize now, I knew NOTHING.  I see those younger than me speaking with such conviction about what they KNOW… and all I can do is smile.  They will learn… it’s not my place to tell them that nothing is as it seems.  I’m sure in my 40’s I will realize that even what I think I know NOW is not completely accurate.  That’s because growth is continuous.  I welcome it.  I’m actually hoping that there is so much more to life than what I know at this very moment. 

I hope that even with all of life’s overwhelming times… that I will always be able to appreciate the important things.  The things that truly make me happy.  Having someone to share my life with… nature… family… friends… laughing… and learning.

I realize that I rush through so much of my life.  Time always seems like it’s against me, fighting me.  I have become angry and bitter with time.  But I know it’s me.  I need to simplify.  Take inventory. De-clutter. It is the only way that I will be able to maximize my time.  Truth is, time is infinite and endless… we live by the clock… 24 hours at a time… we bind ourselves to the hours we have in the day… overdoing and overloading ourselves.  I can’t do it anymore.  It is killing me. 

As you get older, and time seems more scarce, you develop a different kind of appreciation for it.  You have more respect for it.  I want to take time to eat, to write, to meditate, to think positive thoughts, to indulge in things that are pleasing to my senses… to kiss… and savor the things that enrich my soul… to nourish my body and my mind.  I want to nurture meaningful relationships and let go of ones that don’t serve me.

Today I have made a promise to myself to LIVE more.  To take my time, to learn to say NO, to pay attention to my words, my actions, to breathe more, to love deeper, to BE.

February 22, 2011

paths…

i have never been a big believer in “fate” or “destiny”

but…

it is blowing my mind how many times i subtly crossed her path…before she ultimately crashed into mine…

i remember being nosy one day and going to her time line to see who she was…realizing she was someone’s girlfriend…

although it didn’t matter much at that time… because i was someone’s girlfriend too…

i remember reading someone’s blog… and seeing her comments… not realizing who she was because there was no photo corresponding with her comment post…but i remember thinking how lovely her words were…

i remember the day someone told me about this girl they were digging…and it was her…

i remember the day i was mentioned in a follow friday… and to my surprise she tweeted that she was now following @_wordy (and a few others)…

i remember our innocent interactions… and for some reason feeling that they would become more significant…

and they did…

our tweets… and DMs… and late night phone calls…

led to our meeting…

and every moment since then… has been effortlessly wonderful…

but all those lil “chance” encounters blow my mind…

what if no #FF… or no “numbers game” … or no dying battery that led to a weekend long DM session… that led to our first telephone conversation… that led to us…

wow… that would have just been tragic…

February 21, 2011

change…

crazy how much can change in a few months.  i was looking over a few of my last journal entries.

11/30/10:  “my soul is bleeding. hungry. wandering aimlessly. sad about how my family has abandoned me. i feel like the outcast my father was.”

at that time, my relationship was also coming to an end.  it was a very weird time. everything felt wrong… and overwhelming.

12/5/10: “missing page was my goodbye letter to her.” (previous page had been torn out)

i couldnt see the light at that time.  but i do believe it’s true… that certain things fall apart… so that other things can come together.

and come together they have. beautifully.

February 16, 2011

Nineteen years and counting…

Thoughts of my father surfaced recently. I am so frustrated.  How do you settle what can never be settled… find closure with someone you can never speak to again… have one last moment with someone who is gone forever?

It’s going on 19 years soon… but still… a part of me feels like the 14-year-old he left behind… only more tired… less youthful… and the void he left behind… larger and more empty…

Still not sure how to make peace with his death… with all of my unacknowledged feelings… with all of my pain… with my daddy issues… with my never-enough-complex…

I don’t know what I wish… that he were here maybe? Healed hopefully… but more than likely… he’d still be drunk… and high… disappointing me… and feeding my complex… and lord knows… my mother does that enough.  I have never heard her say she was proud of me… never…

I cried myself to sleep two nights ago… torturing myself with thoughts of him… the few good times we had together during his sober moments… he was the apple of my eye then…

I have my own regrets… I guess never imagining that our time would be cut so short… always thinking there would be that later time… hoping that he would get his shit together… and that we’d finally get to have our time… that finally I would have my time… just to be a kid… to be free… to be loved… to be his baby girl… to be number one… to be a priority… to feel safe… and taken care of… to be worry free… to not be second… shit… third even… to his drugs and alcohol…

That time never came… and my heart still feels like it’s waiting…

February 14, 2011

the funny thing about never…

the people you thought would never leave your side…
are gone…
the love you never could have imagined…
exists…
the times you never thought you’d get through…
were survived…
the things you thought you’d never be able to laugh at…
are finally funny…
the people you never thought would let you down…
have…
the mistakes you promised yourself you’d never make…
were made…
the tears you never thought you’d cause…
were cried…
and the tears you promised you’d never cry…
streamed down your cheeks…
the ties you swore you’d never cut…
were snipped…
the lies you promised you’d never tell…
were told…
the people you said you’d never forgive…
were forgiven…
and the things you never thought were possible…
have happened…
 
…that’s the funny thing about never…
it’s never certain…
February 10, 2011

My Rocky…

Thinking about how certain people complement each other, while others, simply do not.  We all have issues, insecurities, things that enrage us, sensitivities that run deep…  and sometimes, unintentionally, people play on our “stuff” … and our reactions in turn, play on their “stuff”… and there you have a big fkn dysfunctional cycle of messiness leading to an inevitable break up.

So anyway, I’m sitting here thinking about HER, and how amazing getting to know her has been.  How we seem to complement each other so well.  How we communicate.  How she seems to bring out only the best in me, and vice versa. Yeah it’s still new.  BUT!  We have had some of the most in depth talks, delved deep into our pasts and our relationships, our issues, our insecurities, the things that enrage us, the things that spark our inner dickhead/cunt to emerge… and I have to say… I am not worried.

You have to be aware…be mindful… of how you speak, your body language, your words… you can’t always point the finger and say, “wow, __________ was really a shit head to me.”   Yes, everyone must own their actions. BUT! Were YOUR actions confrontational, combative….were your words unkind….were you being EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT??  Were you so busy pointing the finger that you forgot to take a long hard look in the mirror? I have been guilty of this… but after some thought, I concluded, we were just NO good for each other.  My issues and her issues, equaled disaster.

I have what I like to call “Vanessa STFU” moments.  They are moments where, I’m thoroughly irritated or upset, and have the instant urge to speak on it.  Then I say to myself “VANESSA STFU.”  At that moment, nothing positive was going to come out of my mouth.  Whatever point or legitimate grievance I felt the need to express at that moment would not have been expressed properly and would go unheard.  It might even send the recipient of my profound message into DEFENSE MODE…which would in turn make my need to be heard more intense…therefore my voice louder… and her MORE on the defense… and there goes NOTHING!  My point is sometimes… lots of times… you might just need to STFU.

Getting back to her… damn… I have never in my life felt like such a princess, felt so safe, felt so secure… I have never been so ready to take a leap of faith… and know with all my heart… that I would be leaping into the arms of the greatest love I could ever hope or pray for.  We laugh harder than I can ever recall laughing with another.  We kiss for hours, and cuddling with her feels like our bodies were meant to be intertwined….her embrace feels like that puzzle piece you have been searching for, and finally find… that feeling that you get when you put it in place, and it fits perfectly… my heart feels that kind of long awaited satisfaction.   Being made love to feels like what can only be described as LOVE.  I feel it pulsing through every vein… I feel it filling my heart… I feel it massaging my mind… healing old hurts… renewing my faith… I feel it with every fiber of my being. 

Every kind gesture, thoughtful word, adoring glance, tender touch, warm embrace, passionate kiss… is treasured… cherished… I want her to know… that I will NEVER take her for granted… I promise to always show my appreciation… to always uplift her… and show her that I have the utmost faith in HER… in US. 

She will have 100% of my trust…and 200% of my LOVE… and I feel confident that I will have hers…

I want to be her lady… her Adrian… she has already been my Rock[y]. ❤