Posts tagged ‘lonely’

January 11, 2010


i am never afraid to fall in love.  there is always the possibility of getting hurt.  but my heart remains open to the possibility that it wont.  my willingness to love has been seen as foolish.  but these were the eyes of narrow minds.  my love is fearless.  i can love you with all that i am. you might take the part of me i give you and crush it.  but i will love myself whole again.  just as i was before you came.  my love cant be TAKEN for granted.  my love is a GIFT.  and what i give you is forever yours to do what you wish.  i will ALWAYS be ready for love.  and my love is FEARLESS.

January 9, 2010

selfish now…

damn i’m feeling so selfish now…
i want what i want…
and i want it now…
i want you in my bed…
wishing you were here right now…
my whole body is aching…
i need to feel you now…
i want you on top of me…
i’m spreading my legs for you now…
but you’re not here…
so im touching myself now…
damn it feels so good…
i think im cummin now…
one day i’m gonna tell you…
all the things i wanna do to you…
but im just feeling…
too selfish now…
September 29, 2009


not even…
a hot bath…
could wash away…
my filthy thoughts…
September 26, 2009


its dark
and my eyes are drawn
to the flicker of a candle
the wine has taken away my inhibitions
and my hands begin to wander where i wish yours would
my swollen clit pulses as my fingers slip over and around it
every inch of me is drunk with the idea of you
of your hands
finding all my spots
having their way
my back arches impulsively
at the thought of your weight on me
your body heavy on mine
i’m aching…
my pussy is crying…
each drip
is my pussy
mourning your absence
come to me
watch me
devour myself at the thought of you
then take me
and use me
and probe…
and suck…
and fuck…
as you wish…
i know you know…
that im not afraid to beg
to say your name…
just the way you like…
to make all the sounds…
that make you bite your lip
and become vulgar
to say the things that
will cause you to thrust your tongue
into my mouth
and kiss me
as we grab at each other
pushing our bodies closer
pumping harder
whimpering louder…
i just want you so bad..
im exhausted…
so tired of waiting…
no toy…
no touch that is my own…
can satisfy
the insatiable
i have for you..
August 13, 2009

funny things, those voids.


voids.  you feel them as if they are quite literally holes.  empty spaces where something should be.  the heart.  the mind. the body.  will instinctively seek to fill voids.  we become hungry when the body needs food.  thirsty when the body needs fluids.  the physical voids are easy to fill. but the mental and emotional voids are the most difficult. when your heart is craving love.  when your body is yearning to be touched.  there isnt a 24hr mini mart with shelves stocked with love and affection.  when you are yearning for the embrace of a father that left you too soon.  that void is forever unfillable.  we sometimes satisfy our voids with fillers. temporary fixes to the deep dark endless voids within us.

i watch myself as if from the outside.  reaching for things.  grasping them as if they are the last.  shoving them into my voids. knowing they are not what my heart. mind. and body need.

i have been putting cooking oil in my tank for some time now. fully aware that my shit will be smoking within a miles distance. but maybe at the end of that mile the real thing will be there waiting for me right?  wrong!  seldom is.   and the void knows when its been filled with some imitation shit.  it’ll spit it right back out, and give you the side eye.

funny things, those voids.

August 4, 2009

a sexless lie.

never in my life have i been in a more functional dysfunctional relationship.  i have stopped trying to define it.  i can only tell you it is both wonderful and wrong.  it is healthy and toxic.  it is comforting and disturbing.  and the comfort-ability of it all makes me feel uncomfortable.  we’re on we’re off.  we’re hot we’re cold.  we’re just all over the place.

my previous significant relationships were so different.  they made me feel like a lady.  would grab my hand to cross the street.  keep me on the inside of the sidewalk.  take heavy bags from me.  tell me i was sexy.  make me feel safe.  i loved it.  in fem/ag relationships there are these kinds of predetermined roles.  i am completely aware that we are both women… so its not as if i would see my boo struggling with 5 bags and not grab some because i am the fem. lol… i am simply stating the small gestures that made me feel good.

in my previous relationships, sex was never an issue.  we had the same sexual appetite.  they learned my body.  my likes. dislikes. i felt free to be myself sexually.  ok so i cant be the only one who has a sexual alter ego. lol.  kind of like how beyonce turns into sasha fierce.  yeah.  during sex i turn into someone else. i think im a porn star. a sex kitten. ok so thats another post all together.  my point is that sex was never an issue, in a negative way.  my partners have always made me feel like i was sexually desirable.  there was no place or time that was off limits when the mood struck us.  and if you are mine, and i am yours.  i dont mind being a nasty whore for you.  some ppl think its tacky. i guess it might be.  but who the fuck cares?  didnt bother me in the least being eaten out on the hood of my car in the parking lot of the hotel we had just finished fucking in.  still one of my fondest memories.

present girl/time.

im not sure what we are anymore. but we are sexless.  1.5yrs sexless.  now we have been somewhat intimate on two occasions during this period.  but both times were because i initiated it.  DOUBLE U – TEE – EFF?  this has done major damage to my ego.  but this lack of, i dont even know what to call it…doesnt stop in the bed.  we’ll be walking… i’ll be talking…i will look to my side…. and she’ll be across the street.  honestly it is moments like that, that make me feel like i am in the twilight zone.

“do you want me to carry that bag?”  my thing is, why do you have to ask????  just take the damn bag.  take some initiative…some control. FUCK!  im not used to this shit.

Now i should say.

she is an amazing person.  truly my best friend.  i love her.  she is loyal without doubt.  trustworthy without question.  selfless. she gets me.  i dont think i have ever laughed harder with another.  i can be 200% myself.

but there are issues. lots of them.

i’ve only had relations with black women.  well except one… but that was just one night of intense sex… and she was half black.  anyway SHEs my first hispanic girlfriend which offers me something that i havent experienced before.  her family gatherings feel like home to me…like my own family…a mutual appreciation and love for all things latin.  it feels nice.  BUT she is also the first woman who isnt “aggressive.”  i mean she shops in the mens department, but that does not a boi make. and this is a big thing for me.  i love aggressive women.  my last ex was a cop…holy shit…thats all im going to say about her.  some times i would like to be the damsel in distress and be able to have my strong woman come to my rescue. i feel like the boi in this relationship…no no no…this is all WRONG.


She likes when I do this thing.  when I graze her skin with my fingertips.  I do it of my own free will.  At times she will request it.  she likes when I stroke her hair while we watch TV.  Again I do this without having to be asked.  Ummm HELLO I have fucking skin.  A bitch wants to be stroked too.  I don’t want to have to ask.  I want her to want to touch me. Why wont she.  Make love to me. Fuck me.  It is beyond frustrating. and painful to admit.  I don’t want to feel untouchable. unfuckable.


i wanted to see Nights in Rodanthe.  she didnt. so WE didnt.  i didnt see LOTS of movies because they werent her “type” of movie.  OK.  i get it. BUT. you are in a relationship with someone who likes ALL kinds of movies (except some SciFi) so cant you compromise a little? its like the Bodies Exhibit…wasnt my thing…but she wanted to go… i entertained it.  it didnt kill me.  we have lots of differences.  but for every negative, there are two positives.


all that being said.  what the fuck are we? best friends who live together?  an asexual couple?

im lost.  i’ve lost myself in this.

i think shes lost herself too.

so we’re both lost and clinging to something that feels somewhat secure?

it’s a sexless lie.

May 29, 2009

She’s coming.

she woke me in the middle of the night to tell me she loved  me
at that moment, i realized how her voice both calmed and excited me
she told me to go back to sleep, as she wiped the hair from my face
i reached for her, and traced her lips with my thumb
she kissed my fingertips
the warmth of her body next to mine made me feel safe
i knew there would be many nights like this
that would take my breath away
and although this person that i speak of is fictional
and this moment has only happened in my dreams
i know it’s possible
and i know she’s out there
she is nameless
but i love her
the same way i love God without knowing
i have faith in her
in us
that we will find each other
against all odds
she’s coming
and i’ll be waiting
May 21, 2009

hot ankles.

those that know me well know that when i drink…my ankles get toasty…and with this toastiness comes… well… other things… it’s 2:14am and I am beyond needing affection.  I noticed the tone of blog has taken a very horny turn.  there is good reason for this.  i want…need…crave…yearn…long for… physical contact…sexual contact.  it has been too long and i have no other outlet than here…soooooo…unfortunately you guys get to be a part of my inner most thoughts, which for the time being… seem to revolve completely around (sex)…sssshhhh.

May 10, 2009


I used you…

Like I promised I would

Your intensity intimidated me

As you entered the room

I could feel you

My body quivered as you came closer

As if your essence touched me

Before you did

With every step

My anticipation grew

You moved slowly

Removing your jacket and glasses

Along the way

I leaned up on my elbows

And watched you make your way

My legs bent at the knees

I parted them to get a clear view

To welcome you

You leaned in over me

And found my lips

Open and waiting for you

You pushed me down

And I surrendered

Candle light illuminated the room

You were beautiful

You leaned up

Ran your hand across my chest

Down my stomach

To my throbbing pussy

Aching for your touch

I arched my back at the very thought

Of you pleasing me

Tasting me

I whimpered as your hand left me

I closed my eyes

You ran your hands up my thighs

And began removing my panties

Sliding your hands slowly down my thighs

I fought the urge to open my eyes

I felt your warmth

Your breath

And finally

Your lips upon me

Your tongue felt like I could only imagine

Heaven does

And I melted in your mouth

Like cotton candy

I felt you enter me

Two fingers moved deep


I gripped the sheets

Bit my lip

And moved my waist

While your fingers moved deep

You swirled your swift tongue

Around my clit



And I felt my walls

Begin to clench

Your fingers

Still moving deep

I moved my waist faster

To your rhythm

I bit my lip

Held your head

My body began to tremble

And you had no mercy

You still licked

And sucked

And moved deep

Inside me

As my whole body came

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May 9, 2009


i can feel you.  where you are.  im lost.  blindfolded.  arms outstretched.  searching for your embrace. waiting to be rescued.  delivered.  from the endless search.  take me in your arms.  tell me i’m beautiful.  tell me i will never be alone again.  let me feel the security of your arms.  the passion of your kiss.  press my body close to yours.  wipe my tears.  and speak the words i hunger for.  tell me all the ways we’ll make love.  promise me your heart.  and take mine.  with all its bruises.  and i will assure you.  that all of its punctures.  only mean.  my love flows more abundantly.  read me poetry. and i will write our love story.  i imagine your scent.  and the comfort of your voice.  the strength in your hands.  your smile.  the richness of your eyes.  i long to gaze into them.  hurry and find me.  im waiting.

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