Posts tagged ‘RANT’

March 31, 2011

empty stomach, full brain.

I always struggle with how much of what is on my mind I should reveal on here.  This blog has served as my safe place on many lonely nights, but sometimes I post just to vent at the risk of sounding like I am whining.  I don’t want to be perceived that way.  A whiner.

Things are extremely hectic right now.  My brain is going constantly, every waking moment.  It’s particularly exhausting.  I know I’m a survivor, but I’m fucking tired.  I feel like the last one in the race carrying a bag of bricks  cinder blocks.  OVER IT!

I am on day 2 of this cleanse and my brain feels extra incapable of handling my rigorous obsessive compulsive thinking. 

My daughter is what keeps me going, her needs… the things she deserves.  I can’t fail.  I can’t stop.  I can’t throw my hands up and say FUCK IT!  I can’t.  She needs me.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I completely and totally losing my mind simply trying to keep it all together.

I am trying to maintain an acceptable level of sanity (what’s acceptable is debatable in NY).  Finances are one of those things though… they can really fuck with you mentally.  And they are.  Fucking with me.

I wonder if it would be bad to put some vodka in this Master Cleanse shit.

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March 30, 2011

Day 1 of the Master Cleanse…

So today I am starting the Master Cleanse…. I have made my first 32oz portion.  It tastes pretty yummy and so far so good…but it’s a little early to be celebrating! 🙂 

I am sitting here thinking of how many other areas of my life need a good cleansing. 

With the exception of my love life… everything else seems to be a mess.

I am going to try doing morning meditations and positive affirmations… I need to take control of my life… right now it just feels like I am on this train speeding nowhere with no breaks. 

I am hoping to incorporate a spiritual element to this cleanse…

I need something empowering and motivational to read… or maybe I will just write… and purge…

Feeling hopeful about the process.

February 28, 2011

ugh…

I am so over this… I want to scream today… the burning… and stiffness… the knots… the spasms…. the soreness… it’s non-stop… all of my waking hours… and some of my sleeping ones… I’m disgusted… and discouraged… and sad… I don’t want this…

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February 8, 2011

Fireworks

So, someone found it necessary today to question the time that it took for me to fall in love.  I should probably say… that I am still falling, every day.  So, are we questioning when I began to fall?  Well then yes, it was probably pretty quick.  What can I say?  She is breathtakingly gorgeous.  She is kind, thoughtful, generous, chivalrous, intelligent, driven, goofy…and so many other things that I would have to dedicate another post just to describe her adequately.  I feel so honored and blessed to have her in my life.  In our short time together, she has shown me things that others could not during an entire relationship.  And yes, I love her.  I love her very much.  And what makes it so wonderful, is that she appreciates all of my expressions of love… and she is just so easy to love. 

I think often we are convinced that loving takes CONSTANT WORK, that it takes CONSTANT tweaking, and requires a CONSTANT effort just to keep it going… when love is like a job that leaves you feeling exhausted and drained, I am now convinced, that isn’t love at all.

Sometimes love is so effortless, so comforting, so incredibly nurturing… that it is impossible NOT to fall, because you feel so safe in doing so.  And I do.  Feel safe.

I feel completely at peace in the way I left my previous relationship.  I was honest, loyal and 100% faithful. 

I NEVER NEED someone to make me happy. To fulfill me.  I am a naturally happy person.  I know who I am.  I am an “old bitch.”  I don’t need time to FIND myself. I am not filling any voids, or searching aimlessly for a love to complete me.  The fact is, as stated in another post, my love is a gift.  You do with it what you will.  I will always BE READY for love if and when it presents itself to me.  And I will never run from love because of “timing” issues.  Who is to say when the right time for love is?  This love is RIGHT ON TIME. 

I am IN LOVE… and it feels healthy and wonderful.  I have no regrets.  I am not looking in my relationship rear view mirror questioning should haves and could haves.  I am confident that everything is exactly as it should be.

Anyway, who needs a flashlight when you have fireworks?

February 3, 2011

the last fuck you.

so yesterday was an interesting day… a weasel… weaseled her way into my home… without permission… using keys that were no longer hers to use… assuming no one would be home… finding my daughter coming out of the shower… offering lies of me giving her permission to be there… to retrieve the last of her things… to avoid having to pay for outstanding living expenses…

it was her last slap in the face to me… her last FUCK YOU VANESSA… her last of biting the hand that fed and housed her… it was the LAST.

its okay though… I am making peace with it… the good person that I am had everything in one place… freshly washed… waiting for an even exchange of things to take place…

The audacity of her to come into my home… without my knowledge or consent… to roam through my rooms… into MY bedroom… and through MY drawers… what a violation… but am I really shocked at her actions… no… she had shown me her potentially trifling ways many times… it’s my fault really… I chose to see the good and ignore the bad… I chose to believe that I was not being taken advantage of… but there was always one thing I could count on… her being consistently inconsistent…

But I am noticing a new pattern… #she… was there for me yet again yesterday… she has this way… of offering herself… her support… its perfect… and makes me feel a sense of security… that I havent felt before… I am always holding myself together… because I know if I fall… there’s never anyone there to catch me… and that feels different now…

February 2, 2011

at that moment…

Yesterday was one of those days… my daughter received her first college acceptance letter… I was beyond happy… but my heart sunk and I fell to pieces… at that moment… it hit me… it became real… she’s not my little girl anymore… there isn’t any more time to do all the things I wanted to do with her… she’s all grown up and the time just feels like it slipped through my fingers… times that I wished would fly by… did… and the times I wish I could have held onto forever… flew right along with them… seems so unfair… she has made me so proud… she has exceeded what I hoped for her when she was a baby… I feel proud that I had a lil something to do with that… but it’s going to be so hard to watch her go off on her own… as I put the key in my door last night… with my face a mess… my mascara stained cheeks… my eyes still oozing with guilt ridden tears… I realized that one day very soon… she won’t be there when I get home… I won’t see her messy room… her things scattered about… I won’t have dishes to yell at her about… and we wont decide on dinner together… and wow… that hurt me to my core… I am going to miss her very much… I know she is going to have the time of her life… and I am going to be her number one supporter always… I’m just really going to miss my little girl…

…and then…

…part two of my night…

unexpectedly… #she walked through my door… to be my support… with my much desired beer in tow… and her face… at that moment… it touched me to my core… it was at that moment that I realized I had gained someone very special in my life… it was at that moment… I fell more in love with her… her smile… the way she looked at me… her gesture… it all simultaneously melted my heart… while at the very same time… made me feel stronger… safer… wrapping my hands around her waist while watching TV… my face nuzzled in her neck… I couldn’t have asked for anything more at that moment… it was all that I needed… she was all that I needed… and she gave herself to me selflessly… and with each passing moment… until we parted ways this morning… she captured more of my heart… became more a part of my soul… and rescued me… in just the way I needed to be rescued.. at that moment… ❤

January 28, 2011

Strangers…

LMAO at this draft that was sitting in the land of never to be published posts…

posts that are mostly me venting… never really intended to be read by others…

its funny to read it now…

to remember what it felt like when i was being jerked around…

i forced what was never meant to be…

and today it is no longer…

life is funny…

has a way of just weeding out…

what/who doesnt belong…

i miss this place…where i say whats on my mind…its my place… read or dont… not concerned with whether you will or you wont… feeling like im on a roller coaster ride…with high peaks…and low lows… your words feel like either fuckin heaven… or low blows… say what you mean…and mean what you say… quoting me lyrics…taking me high… then making me feel disposable… making me sigh… this love i have… i gave it to you… but if you cant handle it… if you’re not ready… theres nothing i can do… just have to let you go…let you be you…because this web of confusion you have spun…its simply too much for me… yeah they got nothing on me… and yeah maybe we could do the unthinkable… but what the fuck does that really mean… in the end i guess its all talk…sounds good to say… keeps me chasing the carrot on the stick just a lil longer… the elusive butterfly… never to be caught… thats you…

and now..

we are exactly what we were in December of 2009…

strangers…

January 21, 2011

your best position…

I could say some shit
that would make your mind bleed
Have you hemorrhaging
like a strung out dope fiend
Have your heart racing
Your feet pacing
Your lips flapping
Your hands ghetto clapping
Relax love
You’re no competition
Something is missing
Something god given
Lemme school you
And these other children
Heed
Take a good listen
Shutting the fuck up
Might be your best position
I’m gonna spare you
And your feelings
Cos I couldn’t stand the site of your teary eyed grieving
Lemme give you a prescription
Take two shut the fuck ups
And call me in the morning
I’m sorry love
I’m really listening
So excuse my yawning
But you’re boring
Damn I’m sorry
Let’s bring it back
To where I was somewhat sympathetic
But damn girl
You’re so pathetic
Don’t know what else to say
Please just heed
And listen
Shutting the fuck up
Really might be
Your best
Position

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December 28, 2010

Bitter-sweet…

As I approach the end of this year… I realize that nothing is as I thought it would be… The story line changed… the cast is different… and I can only hope that things are just as they should be…I pray that I haven’t made some crazy decision that has sent my life spiraling out of control…I feel at peace for some reason… even in the midst of this shitstorm…Even the blizzard of 2010 has been seemingly unable to put a damper on my state of mind…I can see my past…as I put one foot in front of the other… I am doing so with the utmost faith…Faith that good things lie ahead… I know that I am worthy… Life hasn’t always been kind… and at times I have been down right cruel to myself…It’s my time… I want to fall in love…with myself…with life.. with someone…I want to fall asleep at night …content…happy…feeling blessed and thankful…whether I am alone…Or wrapped in the warmth of loves embrace…I am kissing 2010 goodbye with bitter-sweet tears in my eyes…I have made wonderful memories…I fell in love… and that love came to an abrupt end…A very dear friend passed… I made a friendship that I KNOW will last forever…met someone amazing…find myself financially crippled…but having my kids, my mom & my health is priceless… *sigh* it has been a roller coaster ride of a year…I try to take the good with the bad… Because through all my struggles and pain… I have learned one very simple lesson…Life goes on…

“After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot” — Sarah Jessica Parker

Farewell 2010 *besos*

November 9, 2010

Are you a good friend to yourself?

If you had a friend that spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend.

When I saw this question, I immediately thought of how hard I can be on myself at times.  The things I repeat over and over in my head to myself.  How I always seem to focus on my shortcomings, my failures, my flaws and my mistakes.

I tried to imagine a friend speaking to me, berating me, bashing me and verbally abusing me… just as I do to myself.  I also imagined me punching that person in the mouth.  Why would I subject myself to such abuse FROM MYSELF?

I started to really explore how damaging my thoughts really are.  I wondered about all of things I have talked myself out of…the different ways I have held myself back.  Why do I spend so much time acknowledging my’ have-nots’ instead of celebrating my ‘haves’ … why do I always put the spotlight on my failures instead of celebrating my successes and daily accomplishments? 

I am going to sign an emotional contract with myself. 

I promise to only uplift myself.

I promise to only inspire and encourage myself.

I promise to celebrate myself daily…

My survival…

My courageous spirit…

My heart…

My successes…no matter how small…

I promise to LOVE myself better…

In my previous post… I wrote about treating others as you wish to be treated…

It just hit me…

I have to treat MYSELF the way I wish to be treated…

Because ultimately…

Who will treat me any better than I treat myself?