Posts tagged ‘RANT’

November 8, 2010

want it…give it.

Meditating on treating others as you wish to be treated…

it seems simple enough… you want respect, you give it.  you want love, you give it.   you want consideration, compassion, kindness…you GIVE IT.

i witnessed lots of violence and unhealthy behavior in my childhood…and almost never got the treatment i so hungered for.  so i definitely don’t think it is something that is necessarily taught… or maybe it is… inadvertently. 

my hunger for love and affection was always the reason why i gave it so freely… i always yearned for the same treatment in return… more often than not… i was disappointed… my kindness was often abused and taken for granted…

today i am just as giving… and treat people in the manner in which i wish to be treated… i just don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of…

it is still my hunger that fuels me…and i still find myself disappointed at the lack of reciprocation… but today i am able to understand that not everyone has been able to take their past and their pain and use it in a constructive way…

some people have been abused…some people have been starved of love and affection… and as a result they have allowed themselves to become hardened… cold… ruthless …callous … and even worse…  they have a sense of entitlement … they demand a level of respect and consideration that they themselves do not give…

i have had to learn that it is NOT me.  it is NOT that i am NOT worthy of all that i give… sometimes i just give it to people who are not ready to receive…

November 5, 2010

low.

I havent feel this low
in forever
and i’ve been low
if life is a maze
i am so lost
and if life is a game
it feels like i’m losing
im sinking
damn, this is a new low
i tried to grasp
the other lows
on the way down
but i’m just plummeting
too fast
damn…
i’m so low.
September 14, 2010

Slipping Through My Fingers…

I came across this song by Abba while helping a friend search for a Mother/Daughter sweet 16 song.  By the time I finished reading the lyrics, I was at my desk sitting in a puddle of my own tears.  It just reminded me of how quickly time flies.  My daughter just turned 17 and will be in college this time next year.

There were so many things I wanted to do… we just never did get around to those things… and now my baby girl is all grown up.  It sickens me how fast the years went by…how they quite literally slipped through my fingers.  Next year… as I watch her walk away from me a young woman… headed on her own journey… I am going to sob like a baby… letting her go will by far be one of the most difficult things I can ever imagine doing.

*sigh*

Here are the lyrics…

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that Im losing her forever
And without really entering her world
Im glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when shes gone theres that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I cant deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didnt
And why I just dont know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers…

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile…

Ugh… 😦

September 4, 2010

and so…

thought reading other blogs would offer me some inspiration. it didn’t.

so instead of something super creative… if you should decide to read further… you will learn of all the non-writing things i have been engaged in.

as of thursday morning, i no longer have use of my right foot.  i woke up… my foot was terribly asleep. i can only describe my leg as a wet noodle.  i attempted to walk on said wet noodle… and my foot…which was also napping… gave way… twisted and made a loud POP. i am now hobbling on crutches.

prior to becoming the hobbler. it has pretty much been work and daily life.  I have however been having amazing sex. i will write about it in the near future when my words come back to me.

my daughter is applying to colleges…keeps asking me questions which require me to go digging through papers for answers… i just came across the lil hospital undershirt she was wearing right after i gave birth to her compliments of Lutheran Medical Center… I cried immediately at the sight of it.  i cry every time i think of her leaving me… and each time it hits me… omg … its over… shes an adult… the time quite literally flew by… my heart becomes heavy with regret…things i wish i had done differently… things i wish i could have given her that i couldnt. and its too late now. ugh. ok enough because i’m tearing up.

i met the most amazing man in the world (relax he’s gay) and he has quickly become one of my favorite people. 

and that is pretty much it in a nutshell…

movie night with mi amor…

June 4, 2010

i want to..

i want to make out in the pouring rain; fly a kite; ride a double bike; bake a pie; make love on the beach; make a million dollars; see the world; kiss a dolphin; ride a wave; ride a horse along the beach; sail a boat; paint on canvas; ride an elephant; rescue an animal; write a song; make a wish come true for someone; tie the knot; protest; be published; travel for a year; live my dreams;)

June 2, 2010

all a blur..

Funny how age just creeps up on you.. how time catches up.. how quickly the years fly by.. time is merciless.. it doesn’t care that you’ve been beaten up.. that you’re tired.. that you just need a second to catch your breath.. it just keeps moving right along.. it doesn’t glance back to see if you’re ok.. it moves forward with this kind of ‘tough love’ .. father time is whispering.. “come on baby..just get up..keep moving..you can do it..” but so often we are too busy beating ourselves up to hear.. our inner voice is too loud.. telling us that we have failed.. that we can’t do it.. and in that time.. a window of opportunity has passed.. we’ve lost precious moments.. minutes.. hours.. days.. weeks.. months.. years..  that can never be recovered.. they’re gone forever.. we say there’ll be more time.. but as we are busy planning all the things that we will accomplish at a later date.. yet to be determined.. it’s another day.. another week.. another month.. another year.. lost.. and it’s all a blur..

June 2, 2010

over under.

overextended

under-appreciated

overworked

underpaid

being so selfless

has me feeling self-less

over this

and

over that

has me feeling

under the weather

overstated some shit

underestimated some other shit

feeling run over

and taken under

over thinking

and under-living

so over

being under

March 11, 2010

i love her.

this is such a crazy time in my life.  i am so in love. nothing makes sense. but everything feels perfect. just as it should be.  my heart is full. my soul is happy. and i cant fathom love feeling any better than it does right now. simple. pure. true. honest. real. happy. carefree. unselfish. easy. healing. loving her feels just as good. as being loved by her. and when we make love. words cannot describe. how she touches every part of me.  i feel her throughout my entire being.  it’s never too much. and three hours just seems to fly by. it truly feels like we become one. like we’re floating. releasing into each other. uniting. never in my life have i been made LOVE to. the way she makes love to me. and when we fuck. its vulgar. and nasty. and hard. and mind-blowing. but just as beautiful. she fucks my mind. my body. my heart. my soul. to the point of exhaustion. moments away from her are always too many. but even during our time apart. she is with me.  and finds ways to keep herself close to me. notes. texts. midday phone calls.  midnight phone dates. webcam shows. i love her. i love her. i love her.  so much that it hurts. the sweetest pain i have ever felt. i love her so much. the tears well. and fall onto my cheeks. and they are the happiest of tears. i love her. and i hope she remains. and i hope our love sustains…….. i love her.

July 1, 2009

Ode to a Deadbeat

I don’t want to feel hate
But I feel it
I don’t want to want your money
But I need it
Withholding funds from your children
Trying to hurt me
But you are hurting them
Any dumb mutha fucka could see
Eight years of school
Because LAW was your decision
So tell me
Why are you a broke ass nigga
Working for Cablevision
You’re like a waste
A waste of damn skin
Your mere existence
Is truly a sin
You fucked
But now you don’t want to pay
Funny thing is
You still fucking me every which way
You wanna act like father of the year
Showing the kids off to your friends
But haven’t you heard
No ticky no laundry
This is where it ends
She’ll leave you in a few years
When she’s tired of the beatings and the lies
And you’ll be all alone
With no one to hear your big man cries
Then you’ll have two women
And four children
Coming at you with precision
Hopefully by then you’ll be
A bum ass manager
Working at Cablevision