Posts tagged ‘THOUGHTS’

April 19, 2011

I LOVE HER, but…

Could I be ready…
To leave…
My beloved…
New York…
Who has left me…
battered and bruised…
And has moved on…
Without a thought…
Without a second glance…
In the capital of the WORLD…
Do I even matter…
No…
I’m just a number…
A box on the census…
A demographic…
To New York…
I am nothing…
To me…
She is everything…
We have…
The ultimate…
Dysfunctional relationship…
Could I be ready…
To leave her…
After all these years…
Sadly…
She wouldn’t even notice…
But oh…
How’d I miss her…
Her music…
Her energy…
Her soul…
She is…
The greatest artist…
Of all time…
Effortlessly beautiful…
But I might be ready…
For someplace…
Not so bitter-sweet…
Someplace…
That loves me back…
But fuck…
How I’d miss her…

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April 12, 2011

passion…

Trying to tap into
the wealth of passion
that once flowed within me
that once allowed me
to see beyond
what I could see
that once sparked dreams
that were so big
not even I
could shoot them down
passion that defied all doubt
all logic
that passion…
it’s still in me somewhere
I feel it.
April 7, 2011

the chase…

my shadow…
keeps following me…
after me…
taunting me…
it’s a never-ending chase…
she’ll never catch me…
I’m too fast…
and she’s too slow…
she whispers…
for me to slow down…
but I ignore her…
it has become a race…
an endless one…
I’m always winning…
or am I…
she only wants to hold me…
she only wants to tell me…
to slow down…
that everything will be okay…
I wish I could let her…
I wish I believed her…
April 4, 2011

from scratch…

feeling the urge to create… to manifest… to build… to paint… to draw… to write… to assemble words… create a rhythmic… smooth flowing… aromatic… mentally stimulating piece of ART… i want to put it on canvas… rich hued… thick textured paints… covering the white blankness… giving it life… i wanna mold it in clay… ridges… depth… carved into it… giving it character… chutzpah… i wanna capture moments… not intended to be captured… stilled pureness… preserved… i wanna draw… the world in a million pieces as it falls from my weighted shoulders… i wanna release… my thoughts… myself… my ART…

create…

from scratch…

April 4, 2011

Sweet surrender…

Something in her… 
speaks…
to something in me…
quietly…
softly…
but my soul hears her…
loud and clear…
her touch…
tames me…
invades me…
figuratively…
and literally…
she’s so deep inside me…
she enters me…
through every orifice…
and pierces through parts of me…
seemingly…
impenetrable…
she enters with ease…
and has her way…
I love her way…
I surrender…
give her what she wants…
however she wants it…
as if my body…
has no say in the matter…
as if she has mind control powers…
she takes me…
she owns it…
I give it…
I lose it…
something in her…
has taken over…
something in me…
and I surrender…
 
March 31, 2011

empty stomach, full brain.

I always struggle with how much of what is on my mind I should reveal on here.  This blog has served as my safe place on many lonely nights, but sometimes I post just to vent at the risk of sounding like I am whining.  I don’t want to be perceived that way.  A whiner.

Things are extremely hectic right now.  My brain is going constantly, every waking moment.  It’s particularly exhausting.  I know I’m a survivor, but I’m fucking tired.  I feel like the last one in the race carrying a bag of bricks  cinder blocks.  OVER IT!

I am on day 2 of this cleanse and my brain feels extra incapable of handling my rigorous obsessive compulsive thinking. 

My daughter is what keeps me going, her needs… the things she deserves.  I can’t fail.  I can’t stop.  I can’t throw my hands up and say FUCK IT!  I can’t.  She needs me.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I completely and totally losing my mind simply trying to keep it all together.

I am trying to maintain an acceptable level of sanity (what’s acceptable is debatable in NY).  Finances are one of those things though… they can really fuck with you mentally.  And they are.  Fucking with me.

I wonder if it would be bad to put some vodka in this Master Cleanse shit.

March 30, 2011

Day 1 of the Master Cleanse…

So today I am starting the Master Cleanse…. I have made my first 32oz portion.  It tastes pretty yummy and so far so good…but it’s a little early to be celebrating! 🙂 

I am sitting here thinking of how many other areas of my life need a good cleansing. 

With the exception of my love life… everything else seems to be a mess.

I am going to try doing morning meditations and positive affirmations… I need to take control of my life… right now it just feels like I am on this train speeding nowhere with no breaks. 

I am hoping to incorporate a spiritual element to this cleanse…

I need something empowering and motivational to read… or maybe I will just write… and purge…

Feeling hopeful about the process.

March 28, 2011

Happy Birthday…

she didn’t want to make too much of a fuss of this day… she’s feeling a little vulnerable… time does that to us… as we feel it moving faster than us… but her birthday is a special day… sounds cliché and corny… but i am so thankful that she is here… and i have missed so many birthdays… so many years of her life… i want to celebrate every day of knowing her… i wish i could see all the things that have made her who she is today… watch as a bystander… as things made her smile… laugh… made her cry… hurt her… excited her… i know she reveals only a fraction of who she is… and when i think of how much i love the parts i know of her thus far… it makes me smile… i have so much more falling in love to do… ❤

Happy Birthday my LOVE…

You are a gift to me each day you wake…

Te adoro…

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March 9, 2011

Thank you…

Yesterday was so difficult for me… putting my beloved Cupcake to rest… but I absolutely cannot let this time pass without expressing my extreme gratitude to my love… for offering me the most amazing support…

She was perfect…

Her silence spoke volumes…

Her touch was profound…

Her eyes conveyed love and understanding…

She spoke very little…

But said so much…

It felt okay to be weak…

And vulnerable…

Because I knew I would be taken care of…

In whatever way I needed…

Yesterday I saw yet another example of the greatness of her love…

She unveiled another part of herself…

And I fell deeper in love…

Thank you my love… for who you are… for all you do… and for loving me so perfectly… ❤

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March 9, 2011

One last everything…

Yesterday my Cupcake took one last breath…

I looked at her one last time…

And gave her one last hug…

She took one last walk…

And went to sleep one last time…

My Cupcake was so much more than one little dog…

She had a heart that seemed to touch everyone…

Her little trot… and her little face…

Her little kisses… and her extreme foot fetish…

I am so going to miss her nuzzling up to my feet…

Whenever they were dangling or exposed…

Her sweet little spirit captured mine…

From the first time my eyes met hers…

And as I write this… I just can’t hold back the tears…

Eleven years reduced to one last everything…

I wish she could have lived forever in perfect health…

She left behind her husband Eddie… who seems lost without her…

Last night I fed only one dog…

And put on only one leash…

For a lonely little walk…

She was missing… and every part of me felt her absence…

When I viewed her lifeless little body…

It hurt me to my core…

Because she was so full of life…

My little Cupcake was gone forever…

My Cups… my good girl…

You will remain in my heart always…

RIP Cupcake 12/25/2000 – 3/8/2011

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