Sooooooo….

I am no longer posting here… 😦 I am now hosting my own blog over at www.stankcheese.com … please read and comment there! And pretty please,  update your blog roll IF I am on it to reflect my new blog home.  THANK YOUUUUU!!!!!!! ❤

I LOVE HER, but…

Could I be ready…
To leave…
My beloved…
New York…
Who has left me…
battered and bruised…
And has moved on…
Without a thought…
Without a second glance…
In the capital of the WORLD…
Do I even matter…
No…
I’m just a number…
A box on the census…
A demographic…
To New York…
I am nothing…
To me…
She is everything…
We have…
The ultimate…
Dysfunctional relationship…
Could I be ready…
To leave her…
After all these years…
Sadly…
She wouldn’t even notice…
But oh…
How’d I miss her…
Her music…
Her energy…
Her soul…
She is…
The greatest artist…
Of all time…
Effortlessly beautiful…
But I might be ready…
For someplace…
Not so bitter-sweet…
Someplace…
That loves me back…
But fuck…
How I’d miss her…

passion…

Trying to tap into

the wealth of passion

that once flowed within me

that once allowed me

to see beyond

what I could see

that once sparked dreams

that were so big

not even I

could shoot them down

passion that defied all doubt

all logic

that passion…

it’s still in me somewhere

I feel it.

In his eyes…

He smiles at me

wonders if I

secretly hate him

if I am

furtively

plotting

to kill him

he nods

respectfully

as he hands me my straw

I take my red bull

and wish him a good day

he is here

working

serving

we are there

murdering

his women

and children

to him

I 

am the Terrorist.

the chase…

my shadow…

keeps following me…

after me…

taunting me…

it’s a never-ending chase…

she’ll never catch me…

I’m too fast…

and she’s too slow…

she whispers…

for me to slow down…

but I ignore her…

it has become a race…

an endless one…

I’m always winning…

or am I…

she only wants to hold me…

she only wants to tell me…

to slow down…

that everything will be okay…

I wish I could let her…

I wish I believed her…

from scratch…

feeling the urge to create… to manifest… to build… to paint… to draw… to write… to assemble words… create a rhythmic… smooth flowing… aromatic… mentally stimulating piece of ART… i want to put it on canvas… rich hued… thick textured paints… covering the white blankness… giving it life… i wanna mold it in clay… ridges… depth… carved into it… giving it character… chutzpah… i wanna capture moments… not intended to be captured… stilled pureness… preserved… i wanna draw… the world in a million pieces as it falls from my weighted shoulders… i wanna release… my thoughts… myself… my ART…

create…

from scratch…

Sweet surrender…

Something in her… 

speaks…

to something in me…

quietly…

softly…

but my soul hears her…

loud and clear…

her touch…

tames me…

invades me…

figuratively…

and literally…

she’s so deep inside me…

she enters me…

through every orifice…

and pierces through parts of me…

seemingly…

impenetrable…

she enters with ease…

and has her way…

I love her way…

I surrender…

give her what she wants…

however she wants it…

as if my body…

has no say in the matter…

as if she has mind control powers…

she takes me…

she owns it…

I give it…

I lose it…

something in her…

has taken over…

something in me…

and I surrender…

 

Napowrimo!

 It’s day 4 so I need to get started catching up!  I was looking for motivation to do some writing and I found it!  30 posts in 30 days! Looking forward to it! 🙂

empty stomach, full brain.

I always struggle with how much of what is on my mind I should reveal on here.  This blog has served as my safe place on many lonely nights, but sometimes I post just to vent at the risk of sounding like I am whining.  I don’t want to be perceived that way.  A whiner.

Things are extremely hectic right now.  My brain is going constantly, every waking moment.  It’s particularly exhausting.  I know I’m a survivor, but I’m fucking tired.  I feel like the last one in the race carrying a bag of bricks  cinder blocks.  OVER IT!

I am on day 2 of this cleanse and my brain feels extra incapable of handling my rigorous obsessive compulsive thinking. 

My daughter is what keeps me going, her needs… the things she deserves.  I can’t fail.  I can’t stop.  I can’t throw my hands up and say FUCK IT!  I can’t.  She needs me.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I completely and totally losing my mind simply trying to keep it all together.

I am trying to maintain an acceptable level of sanity (what’s acceptable is debatable in NY).  Finances are one of those things though… they can really fuck with you mentally.  And they are.  Fucking with me.

I wonder if it would be bad to put some vodka in this Master Cleanse shit.

Day 1 of the Master Cleanse…

So today I am starting the Master Cleanse…. I have made my first 32oz portion.  It tastes pretty yummy and so far so good…but it’s a little early to be celebrating! 🙂 

I am sitting here thinking of how many other areas of my life need a good cleansing. 

With the exception of my love life… everything else seems to be a mess.

I am going to try doing morning meditations and positive affirmations… I need to take control of my life… right now it just feels like I am on this train speeding nowhere with no breaks. 

I am hoping to incorporate a spiritual element to this cleanse…

I need something empowering and motivational to read… or maybe I will just write… and purge…

Feeling hopeful about the process.